Author’s Note: Nyob Zoo! Thank you for clicking on this piece. The idea of writing this piece came from a community called Hmong Legacy. Hmong Legacy supports Hmong students by creating a sense of community and empowerment. This allows students with a great opportunity of creating a connection with Hmong students and personal growth. Hmong Legacy has been around CSU, Chico since the Spring Semester of 2018. And ever since then, it’s grown and expanded.
The first time I wrote about this topic was about my mom(s). I’ve already written a piece about ‘Family’ from one of the Hmong Legacy workshops. I didn’t want to revisit this topic because of repetition. But I came back to the topic of family because my grandma passed away this past March. And ever since then, I haven’t really thought about my grandma and her existence. More because I was running away from my feelings and not wanting to think about it. I spilled all the tears I wanted to before and after her death.
While writing this piece, it was difficult remembering all the things my grandma had once told me when I was younger. It made me wish that I would’ve been more patient as a child and as a teenager to sit more with her and listen to her. Ideally, I wanted to use more Hmong words within this piece but my end rhymes in English were better, so I went with that option instead. For the most part, the Hmong parts should be translated into English already. Around eight or nine people told me that I made them cry after the event was done. It really made me thankful and happy that many others are able to relate and feel connected to my relationship with my grandma. To My Grandma, Zoua Lor
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You will experience the tragic loss of a loved one in your lifetime. There’s no other way to get around it; everyone dies for various reasons, some are reckless and they die young, or they grow old and slowly fade away. A loved one could be someone who inspired you, it could be a role model, your best friend, a family member, basically, anyone that is important to you. We all know that sooner or later the time will come for all of us to leave. My grandma, unfortunately, passed away this past March.
My grandma took care of me when no one else did. She would often get asked, “Those aren’t your kids so why are you taking care of them?” The phrase I always hear my grandma say is “I raise them because I love their eyes.” (Lawv tsis yog koj yug, vim li cas koj hlub. Kuv hlub lawv ob lub qhov muag, kuv thiaj li hlub law.) I had a different relationship with my grandma than anyone else. I was her favorite. The favorite out of both her children and grandchildren. No, I didn’t ask or do anything special for my grandma to become her favorite. It just naturally happened, and I’m the person I am today, because of her.
Me nyuam ntsuag. The literal translation of this from Hmong to English means, a child without parents. It is a derogatory term used to degrade people in the Hmong community who don’t have parents. My parents divorced when I was six months old. My father won brother and I’s custody in court. I don’t necessarily fit all the criteria to be placed into that category, of being a me nyuam ntsuag. But growing up, I felt like one. And the only person that held me down, was my grandma.
Grandma, I remember the words you would tell me when I used to feel down. “It took me 3 years to make your body and heart strong. Don’t let someone else destroy it when I’m gone.” Even when you would lecture me, I knew you were doing it for my benefit. You said to me. “Luag tias kom paub tab, txhob ua neeg poob qab los lawv yeej tos ntsoov thaum yus yuav poob.” The translation is; “They say to grow up and not be a failure. But they’re already wishing for your downfall.” And now when I think about you, all I remember is the various things you would lecture me about. You would always start off with.
“My grandson Manting
Always be kind and humble, and don’t let others stumble.
Don’t eat too many chips, make sure to wipe your lips.
Find a wife, who will brighten up your life.
It’s okay to cry, instead of faking a smile and lie.
Smile more, because you’re naturally a happy person deep down to your core.
Even if you’re far away, just know you’ve done enough in your day.
Love yourself, feeling lost but never doubt yourself.
You deserve to be happy, and one day your kids will call you daddy.
Don’t be sad if you can’t call me on your phone, just know you’re never alone.
Because you’re still in my heart, even when we’re far apart.”
There are many more things you’ve taught me. But it’ll be too long to name them all. I know I said all the things I wanted to tell you before you left already. But in case you’re wondering how I am, here it is.
“Nyob zoo kuv grandma.
Now you aren’t suffering anymore, are you smiling more?
Rain or shine your foolish grandson, is doing fine.
I’m thinking too much nowadays because I’ll be going far away.
I’ve gotten really busy, but compared to you, my life is easy.
I’m trying to eat all three meals, but don’t worry your cooking is always the real deal.
I think I’ve found the one, and no, she doesn’t use Korean wons.
But I can’t have her for it’s not our fate, because I was too late.
As hard as it may be, please be patient with me.
I know I said goodbye then, but I know I will see you again.
I’ll continue to slowly work for my future. In the end, I’ll win. Because I’m your grandson Manting.”
(Kuv mam li maj mam khwv rau kuv lub neej, Thaum kawg, kuv mam li yog tu yeej. Vim kuv yog koj tub tub xeeb ntxwv, Manting.)
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