Author’s Note: My first new piece of 2020. Half of this is about me. And the other half is about… well, I’ll let you decide that. Some people may think I’m so well put together. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve come a long way considering where I started. I’m strong due to those experiences. I guess the show of strength has masked my flaws for too long. Don’t get it twisted, I have confidence in myself. Things I used to think about and things I am still thinking about. I want to solve and bring to a conclusion on a couple of these things in 2020.
6 Minutes Read
Where Should I Go?
To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?
Within the Hmong community, mental health was always viewed as “pointless thoughts.” When brought up by the Hmong elders and they would often be confronted by “What is there to be sad about?” Reminding us how grateful we should be to live in America. Compared to our Hmong counterparts living in Laos or Thailand, we are considerably better off. So, “Be grateful for what you have here and discard those nonsense thoughts.” But still, those negative thoughts persisted and lingered like weeds. Rooting itself into my mind knowing full well, it will never go away.
Where Should I Go?
To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?
You look happy but you don’t feel happy. That’s what depression does to you. It is, sad how some people aren’t waiting for their happy ending anymore, instead, they’re just waiting for the end. Smiling is the best way to face any problems. To crush every fear and to hide every pain as if they never affected you in the first place. You look but do you see? You hear but are you listening? You exist but are you living? When did I begin to have these negative thoughts? It’s not like I want to be depressed and have these negative thoughts. I want to be happy. And yet, why is my mind consumed with negative thoughts?
Where Should I Go?
To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?
Depression is like living in a body that fights to survive with a mind wanting to die. Either win the war or die trying. The war you’re fighting alone because you understand no one can help you. Remembering something that no one else can is a painful thing. You can’t talk to anyone about it. No one will understand you. Other people are dealing with their struggles too, why should I tell them about mine? There is no point in increasing their worries too. My trauma is mine to bear alone. I will not allow someone else to bear it for me.
What do you know about a small bowl of plain white rice seasoned with salty tears? What do you know about cold sleepless nights from the voice of the devil evenings? They tell me to visit him before it’s too late. Yet they don’t know about how I feel and my inferno hate. I have words that will make the devil cry. My rage is immense and I hope I will never have to use it. Asking me to forgive because it’s the right thing to do. Well, you best be able to move both heaven and earth with the sun and moon. I will gladly forgive and ask for forgiveness then. Pretty impossible right? I will never forgive him. “You’ve gone through so much.” Endured, persevered, survived, witnessed… yet, they don’t ask you how your mental health is. I’m strong, so people rarely ask if I’m ever “okay.” Trust me, I’m trying to fix my foundation but it isn’t easy when the pieces that used to fit don’t connect anymore.
I’m trying to complete a puzzle without knowing what the end product is supposed to look like. These puzzle pieces are mine but I don’t recognize them anymore. I can tell there are pieces missing from this puzzle too. They’ve been destroyed and fabricated countless times I don’t even remember what they originally look like. Tell me why you’re always acting okay and fine all the time? I know the tears that come out every night reignites the agonizing pain and fears still rooted in your mind. Like oil added onto a dying flame. You kept putting it off, saying you’re fine because you’ve come far. But we both know your hand is getting weaker and weaker. Are you resting? Your body getting slimmer and slimmer. Are you eating? Your light and fire, getting dimmer and dimmer…
“I won’t be the shield that will protect you from danger. I will instead be the ol so sharp hidden dagger you’ll reveal during your time of need and danger. I will be the silent shadow to your blinding light. The light is always accompanied by shadows. And the shadow will emerge and sacrifice itself so the light continues to shine. You will call upon me in your time of need.”
“You choose to be hurt rather than to hurt others, right? You fall and love easily. However, the more you’re hurting yourself, you’re actually hurting other people too. I’m not after your empathy, instead, I empathize with you. I know that feeling so well like it is the back of my hand. It is most terrible you are like this. Imprisoned by your past, powerless to live in the present… incapable to trust in the future. It’s better to be hurt than to hurt others. Nice people can be happy with just that.” “Is that still the case after all these years?”
Where Should I Go?
To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?
I’ll choose to go straight. I’ll carve out a new path for myself. Every traumatic event and encounter I’ve experienced will test and chip away at the foundation I’ve built. I don’t think this depressive feeling will ever go away. I think it will become more manageable as I continue with life. I’ll find other reasons to keep living and rebuild my foundation. I’ll keep living with the belief that the happiness I will experience in the future will make this worth it. Good things don’t always happen to good people. Life doesn’t work like that but I can continue to hope for myself. I can hope that I’ll find love. I’ll find happiness. I’ll find the thing that will sustain me.
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