Author’s Note: Hello! This piece was for a writing assignment for my ENGL 327W – Creative Non-Fiction course. Specifically for this assignment, we had to write it in the format of a memoir. I don’t remember why I wrote about this topic but it turned out well. There is definitely room to improve on visualization and making the reader feel rather than me telling. Still, I hope you will be able to enjoy this piece and in a way resonate with it.
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I don’t remember when was the last time I smiled genuinely. I do smile because it is an innate human emotion, but the emotion that I project may not always be the happiness that accompanies my smile. A genuine smile that can illuminate the room with positivity. Now, it’s like sometimes I smile but I don’t feel happy and I would ask myself why sometimes. I was once told “You smile and laugh loudly but your eyes tell me a different story. It must’ve been difficult for you to have practiced so much to smile like that.” It shocked me that someone was able to see through how easily they saw through my mask. This mask I’ve worked hard to craft to hide away my emotions from the world. The more interesting question is why did I develop this mask? Maybe I can blame this on all the depression I’ve experienced in my life. Or maybe it’s still that idea I concentrated on when I was younger. “I’m not allowed to be happy. I don’t have much to smile about in my life.” Maybe it’s because of that way of thinking, my smile always felt off.
Remember how I said, “I don’t remember when was the last time I smiled genuinely?” I lied because I do remember. The Year of the Pig, 2019, was the year I smiled more than I ever did in my life. Manting in 2019 still looked the same as now but his ambition would intimidate others. If you could not keep up with him, you would be left behind in the dust. And yet people didn’t know how difficult it was for him because he was constantly living in winter since his Junior year of high school. Until one day, the long cold winter that had nothing but rainstorms cleared up, and the water lilies began to blossom for me. My friends in 2019 said something to me that surprised me. “Dude, I’ve never seen you smile like that before. Like the way you’re smiling is like someone who is experiencing pure happiness for the first time in their life.” I was quite sad when they told me that. Because if that is how they’re seeing me, then what was I like before experiencing this smile? Was all of the happiness I experienced prior to 2019 just fabrications? My friends were right but it’s been three years since 2019 and now I don’t want to remember it. Weird how that works right? The happiest moments of my life were in 2019 and now I don’t want anything to do with it.
The water lilies withered away and the rainstorm returned, this time with lightning and thunder. The sound of the thunder felt like nature was taunting me for even having the audacity to believe that the water lilies would stay permanent. Because that smile in 2019 is a reminder of my weakness, failure, and imperfections. It’s ironic really how the course of my life has developed. So many misfortunes have been bestowed upon me and yet, I continue to be resilient, clawing my way toward the light at the end of the tunnel only to emerge into another tunnel that is even darker. “Maybe if I live long enough, there is something good that might happen?” Or maybe I should be more grateful for what I have in my life and just smile? I was a lot more optimistic in 2019 than I am currently, and I miss that part of me.
I remember being asked “Why not include your failures too? They are also part of your journey towards success.” And that simple question gave me hope, which is not a feeling I quite like because having hope is dangerous. It is cruel to have hope only for it to be destroyed by the expectations you set upon others. But if I was able to smile like that for the wrong one, I know the smile I have for the right one will overcome everything. I won’t worry about my weakness, failures, and imperfections and let them hinder me as much anymore. If I’m perfect without any flaws, then what else can I work towards or strive to be? I’ve been hiding all of that pain with a smile. I know that I shouldn’t be doing that anymore but I’m slowly tearing that down to smile correctly. Instead, I’ll just make sure to feel everything for what it is. So, if you see me smile in the future, know that the water lilies are revived and the rainstorm has passed.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
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