Author’s Note: Heyo! I started writing this piece in 2021, but it’s taken me a while to finish it. For a long time, I wasn’t sure if I should even share it. I questioned what it meant for me and if I was truly ready to acknowledge and embrace this part of myself. As the title suggests, this poem explores my experiences as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), especially when I feel like I’ve made mistakes. For those unfamiliar, HSP refers to individuals with a heightened central nervous system sensitivity to the world around them—be it physical, emotional, or social stimuli. We’re often unfairly labeled “too sensitive.”
A mentor once told me I have high emotional intelligence (EQ), which they called “the gift.” High EQ is the ability to understand, use, and manage emotions positively, both your own and those of others. I believe being an HSP contributed to my high EQ, so there are both positives and negatives to this trait. It’s important to understand that being an HSP is not a mental illness or a disorder; it’s a completely normal, innate trait. If you’re curious to learn more, Psychology Today has some great resources.
5 Minutes Read
*Reflection Before the Curtain* I once had strong mental fortitude, but since 2021, my mental health would temporarily declined every few months. These dark thoughts about myself creep in and settle for a week or two before I eventually recover. Being an HSP only adds to the weight. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I tell myself I need to grant myself grace, to accept I’ll never be perfect. I remind myself these thoughts aren’t true, but in those moments, they feel so convincing.
And yet, I don’t treat myself very well in general. The harshest voice in my life has always been my own. Especially after I’ve made mistakes. I overthink everything I do; every word, every glance, every silence. It’s exhausting, the way I replay the interactions I had with someone repeatedly in my head. If I hurt someone or made them uncomfortable, my mind won’t let it go. I keep asking myself: What could I have done differently? Why did it have to happen like that?
I don’t just feel my own emotions, I feel the weight of the people around me, especially those I think I’ve hurt. I can distract myself for a little while with work or school, but my mind always circles back. Even when I’ve apologized or been forgiven. Even when everything settled. It doesn’t matter. My mind keeps punishing me, over and over, for not knowing better. And when those thoughts return, they don’t knock politely. They arrive like this:
*The Curtain Lifts*
My hand moves to tear my roots, my stems. I can’t blossom, I can’t hope. I sever every path to light. I can never be someone who thrives. Someone strong? Someone who belongs? How could I? I was never meant to survive.
I’m sorry for moving too fast, scared it’ll never last. Each time it ends, I blame myself, for wanting too much, for feeling too deeply, for being a wound in search of warmth. Maybe if I loved myself, I could forgive Manting: who tried too hard, who struggles to breathe, who is afraid of abandonment. Knowing that I don’t have to be perfect, that my worth isn’t measured by how little I need.
I memorized every failure, every missed signal, every almost, but I never learned. I should’ve been my best, and maybe I was. Maybe this brokenness was all I had. I should’ve known better, but I still hoped. Will I ever learn?
I know I’m only human. I know I’m always healing, but what if I never fully heal? The gift of an HSP becomes a burden. Every goodbye echoes for years. The pain doesn’t stop, it changes costumes. I tell myself I don’t deserve happiness. Love? That’s for someone else. Not for someone like me.
Because I’m hard to love. I make it impossible. When you leave, as you always do, I call it fate, but I know the truth: it’s me. Maybe that is all I’m worth, mastering tragic roles, bleeding beautifully, turning emptiness into performance. If that’s all I am, then I’ll perfect this once more, cutting off all hope, vanishing behind the curtain, like I was never real.
So, that’s it. My experience in life being an HSP. It might feel like you have to reach out to me to check if I’m okay (especially if you’re a family or friend), but truly, I mean this with sincerity, I’m okay. I always recover after each time I fall. I typically don’t voice it when it happens because I know this is something I must deal with. And yes, I have gone to therapy before, and it helped. But I can’t always rely on that to assist me in this. I’ll sing, dance, write, listen to good music, eat good food, laugh at something funny, play volleyball, and lean on trust.
By doing that, I’ll be okay. I still have so much to do and so much to live for. I don’t plan on giving that up just because I feel bad or down about myself. I’ve been worse, I’ve survived worse. Does it suck that this happens? Sure, it does, but everyone has their struggles. This is mine. Maybe one day I’ll write about the things I love about myself to contrast with this piece.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hi there! This is my last post for 2024. Before the year ends, I wanted to share another piece because a lot has happened since summer. Not all of my writing is about this year; it’s a mix of my reflections on past events and how they connect to now. This is the only poem I’ve written since Gentle Hazel Crush, which was released last year. After the poem, I’ll explain my thoughts and what each part might mean. I enjoy writing that has a clear message but still allows for different interpretations. That’s what I aimed for in this poem. It draws inspiration from four different pieces of media: three songs and one Korean drama. The songs are “My Story” by Oxynova, “Pursuing The Happiness by LeeSSang“, and “The Spring Hunger by Homies“. The drama is called Twinkling Watermelon. I’ve mixed elements from these works with my own creativity to create the poem below. I hope you’ll take your time to read this piece. Each line has been methodically placed so that it builds as you read.
2 Minutes Read
Tied to dreams since I started crawling. Ghosts of grief have taken hold. The dying flames told me that we must live righteously… live well, even while scraping dirt for fragmented faith.
Poverty is my greatest fear. The embers extinguished, the thunder nears… How long can I suppress this hunger?
Struggle deals. Struggled evils. Poisoned wells. Hollow secrets. Hollowed perfection. Empty shells. Yeah, starting then, I had to be fuckin’ crazy, the kind of madness only survival understood.
When you didn’t live anymore, what dreams could you have then? What lies and laughter can conceal that trauma? Happiness… Is it strange that I still feel this way?
And yet…
Even if everything I do seems pathetic, even if everything burns away, even if the world is against me. I promised myself, no matter what, I will be successful. I believe I will, there is no choice.
And if this shit ain’t my calling then you know it’s my vendetta. If I succeed, you’ll love it. But if I fail… I become more obsessed.
Because I’m a million man I'm the type to make a million men to go and make a million plans so we can advance for one chance to make amends.
Happiness is a dream, so all the broken things will put on a smile. Happiness was the dream, so that one day, everything can shine.
I’m being honest: I don’t think anyone will read this part. I’d be very surprised if anyone’s curiosity went beyond the poem to this section.
Yay! You made it here. Interesting poem, right? Do you think the final stanza is positive or sad? There’s no clear answer. I’ll let you decide. The title, ‘Spring Hunger, When Happiness Is A Dream’, came from mixing titles of songs by Homies and LeeSSang. It went through several revisions before I chose this one. I aimed for the title and the poem to connect and reflect each other.
‘Spring Hunger’ shows my strong desire to chase dreams and overcome challenges. Spring represents new beginnings and growth but also carries a deep hunger for a better future, filled with pain and longing. ‘When Happiness Is A Dream’ highlights the main struggle: my quest for happiness as a distant goal. This dream, while yearned for, feels out of reach, showing the clash between hope and the realities of hardship.
The poem explores struggles, growth, dreams, ambition, leadership, redemption, and happiness. I especially like the last stanza. It presents an interesting idea: everyone changes after experiencing happiness, even if it comes with pain—whether physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological. Those who were hurt can still smile because it meant something. In the end, it might all be worth it.
I feel like over this past year, happiness has begun to transition to something that was the dream. Don’t get me wrong, I still strive for happiness (whatever that may look like for me in the future) but if I’m just focused and fixated on that, I might be missing out on the other important things in my life. If I achieve the things I need currently, then eventually that will lead to me being happy, right? Sometimes it feels like I’ll never truly be happy? I’d like to think that I’ve healed from my painful upbringing but the results and experiences of what I encounter from time to time presently remind me of why I haven’t.
It feels like a constant battle each year ever since I became an adult. Moments where I feel good about myself and my progress in life and then moments where I feel like the efforts I’ve put in haven’t amounted to what I want yet. This internal struggle often leaves me reflecting on my choices, questioning whether I’m on the right path or if I need to pivot in a new direction. There are days when I wake up feeling optimistic, energized by the possibilities that lie ahead, and it’s sad to admit this but that feeling is pretty rare for me.
I believe this poem captures my feelings from this year, especially after my summer trip to Michigan. Some of my writing is literal, while other parts are more abstract. If you’ve read this far, congrats! You get to know something special: I got accepted into graduate school! I’ll start in Spring 2025 at Chico State for an MA in Social Science. I’ll share more details on my Instagram later this month.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hello! This is my letter/tribute to GOT7 for their 10th anniversary as a K-pop group. This piece has two parts. The first part is going to be my experience and journey of being an Ahgase and the second part is a thank you section to each GOT7 member. That second section will include some of my favorite songs that they’ve produced and what I like most about them. For the photos I chose, I want y’all to see each member smiling. Hopefully, seeing them smile will also brighten up your day. Congratulations to GOT7 for still being together and I look forward to the next time when you’re all together again. This will be a long piece so read at your own pace. Enjoy!
My Personal GOT7 Playlist
19 Minutes Read
I’ve been an Ahgase/IGOT7 since December 2016. I wasn’t a hardcore fan yet at that point, I just knew I liked GOT7. I don’t remember which music video was the first one I saw of GOT7. But I can say it is between Just Right and Hard Carry mainly because my formal introduction to K-pop was through the REACT channel on YouTube. GOT7 was one of the groups they showed and from there I began to listen to more and more K-pop. And to be honest, GOT7 was not my favorite group when I first started listening to them.
Mainly because I didn’t know what type of K-pop I liked yet. I truly had no idea there were so many groups out there to explore. I listened to other groups but I always kept coming back to GOT7. Eventually, by the time GOT7’s Flight Log Arrival was released in March 2017. I had become an Ahgase. I watched so many videos of GOT7 on various Korean Variety shows. Their variety shows such as GOT7ing, Real GOT7, GOT2DAY, etc. Not to even mention their other appearances on Weekly Idol and other programs. I burned through all of these shows in such a short time that I realized I hadn’t even dived deeper into their music yet.
I would say that GOT7’s first full EP/Album I came to like every song is Flight Log Turbulence. Before that, listening to GOT7’s discography that was produced before Flight Log Turbulence was difficult. I don’t blame that on them directly. If anything, it is the artists who produced it for GOT7. I understand that GOT7 didn’t have much influence or input into what they wanted their music to sound like early on in their career. That applies to a multitude of K-pop groups. And with GOT7, many of their B-Sides just didn’t hit with me when I listened to them early on. Keep in mind this was before I listened to Flight Log Turbulence.
This doesn’t also mean that all of their B-Sides before Flight Log Turbulence were bad. I feel like the only song from GOT7’s debut EP that had a feel and glimpse of what GOT7 could become was ‘Playground’. I say that because the song sounded good, the lyrics were good, and you can hear GOT7’s voice coming through. I can positively say that after each EP/Album that GOT7 releases, their music continuously improves. I think one huge factor why is that GOT7 began to have the ability to produce songs and have them be part of their next releases. I also say that mildly because I know, and other Ahgases know that GOT7 members have produced some great songs that never got approved or made the cut to be included in their releases.
The more I listened and watched GOT7 on different shows and platforms the more I realized why they are my favorite K-pop group. GOT7 does not compromise who they are in their interactions and intentions. I don’t personally know them and we are only able to see certain sides of GOT7. They have not given me any reason to doubt them or create distrust about them. Whenever they’re on variety shows, they are always willing to try new things and give a good effort on those shows. One of the best examples of this is GOT7’s appearance on Weekly Idol and slaying their 2x speed dance.
Whether it is the group deciding for it to be a funny bit or taking on the challenge seriously and nailing it. They’re always themselves and they fully commit to it. It is refreshing to see a group rarely filter who they are and what they’re doing. They’re also absolute savages. Not only to each other but to their fans too. And Ahgases embraces that about GOT7. I’m also grateful I’m part of a relatively mature fandom. Every K-pop fandom has a portion of fans who are toxic and crazy, I think that is inevitable in any fandom. For the majority of Ahgases, I think we are a chill and nice fandom for the most part.
Going back to GOT7’s discography, their color and uniqueness blossomed in Flight Log Turbulence. Every single EP and Album since that release has been fantastic overall. There might be one or two songs I don’t like as much from each release but overall, they are incredible. One of my best examples is GOT7’s 7 for 7 mini album released in October 2017. I enjoy all the songs in that mini album, the only two that I don’t listen to as much are ‘Moon U’ and ‘Remember You’. That doesn’t mean they’re bad songs, just not as much of my style (Please don’t get mad at me Youngjae and BamBam stans). There have been other songs by Youngjae and BamBam that I greatly enjoy too.
GOT7 stage performance and dancing is top tier. I’m constantly amazed at the creativity in their performances. Like the beginning of ‘You Calling My Name’ that cool formation of Jay B activating each GOT7 member. Or the bridge part of Eclipse where each GOT7 member covers a member’s eyes. Watching GOT7 dance makes me want to dance because I see the joy and excitement they experience and I want that too. I am still not over GOT7’s end-of-the-year performance for ‘Teenager’, they remixed the song and added in some choreo using their jackets. If you haven’t seen these, please go and check them out yourself. Let’s get to the second part.
Jay B, the chic and sexy member of GOT7. I’ve always admired your leadership in GOT7. Being the leader of any group is challenging; yet, you carry that role and position gracefully. I still think about what you said during one of your concerts. “As a leader, I do constantly think about where our fate will take us, and will I be good enough to lead [GOT7] to it.” It makes me sad seeing you having to deal with that kind of pressure. And on a positive note, it makes me glad to see you have a vision for GOT7 and where they can potentially become. As an Ahgase, I think, “If Jay B can endure this pressure and keep going. I can keep going as well.”
I thank you for taking such good care of the members. Especially Youngjae during your debut, knowing he did not have as much training compared to the rest of the members, you took really good care of him. Thank you for still being with us. Jay B, I hope you know Ahgases from around the world trust in your leadership and direction for GOT7. I hope when you are discharged from the military, you’ll enjoy some good food and time to yourself and with the rest of GOT7 before diving back into producing music.
I was sad when you shared with fans that you were depressed through your YouTube channel. Thank you for being willing to share and open up to us Ahgases about it. I’m happy you’re doing better and I hope you won’t have to go back into a depressive state. As someone who grew up also bboying, it was so cool seeing another K-pop idol bboy as well. I greatly enjoy the music you produce. The chill R&B vibes you produce are straight up my style of music and I look forward to hearing even more of your music in the future. My three favorite songs Jay B has produced in GOT7 are ‘Don’t Leave Me Alone’, ‘Come On’ and ‘Teenager.’ There are so many other songs I enjoy from you too, it was so difficult just choosing three. Some honorable mentions are ‘Save You/I’ll Protect You’, ‘Prove It’, ‘Page’, ‘Eclipse’, ‘Thursday’, and ‘You Are’.
Mark Tuan, the flying acrobatic member of GOT7. My bias in GOT7! One thing I admire about Mark is his kind heart. All GOT7 members have great character and are kind, with Mark I gravitate to him the most. He comes from a well-off family and yet he’s modest in behavior and demeanor. One of my favorite stories about him is from BamBam. He mentioned his days as a trainee when he first met Mark and Mark owned a pair of Vans (a brand of shoes). After asking Mark about the shoes, BamBam learned they were shoes from overseas. Fast forward a couple of months later to BamBam’s birthday, Mark had gifted him with a pair of Vans.
Mark, you are my ultimate bias for a K-pop idol. No one else will ever take that spot away from you. Congratulations on the successful tour you had for The Other Side. I know you are still touring and hope this later half will continue that success. You endured so much during your time in South Korea and you still came out on top. You don’t talk much but rather let your actions do the talking for you. And when you do speak, others listen because your words mean that much more knowing how you are. You’re the older brother of GOT7 who lets the other members lean on you when times are tough. It’s okay to be a bit selfish for yourself sometimes, so I hope that you’ll continue to keep flying.
My three favorite songs produced by Mark in GOT7 are ‘Let Me’, ‘My Home’, and ‘See The Light’. You know I can’t let off some honorable mentions, and they are ‘Shopping Mall’, ‘If’, ‘Face’, and ‘Born Ready’. ‘Let Me’ is in my top songs of all time. I listen to it religiously. I would even go as far as saying it is in my top five songs from GOT7. The lyrics, the instruments, and the vibes are just so freaking good. Chill and relaxing plus the cuteness of the lyrics go perfectly together. And who could forget the iconic switch version of ‘Let Me’?! Like, it is one of the best switch versions from any K-pop group.
Jackson, the wild and sexy member of GOT7. Jackson never fails to make me smile or laugh with his great energy. He took such a big risk to accept the contract to become a JYP trainee when he was already an Olympic athlete. I’m so happy to know and see that risk paid off for Jackson as he’s now a superstar. And that risk allowed him to meet his second family in GOT7. He was also the first GOT7 member to venture out into solo music activities back in 2017. That unlocked a new side of Jackson Wang that Ahgases didn’t know about. It was amazing and I fully supported it. It showed how hard-working you are as an artist and individual.
I greatly relate to you saying how you had to outwork your peers because they were more musically gifted or talented in dancing in your time as a trainee. Because I too had that same mentality in my adventures growing up when I faced others who had more than me. You’ve worked so hard and I know it can become a burden to continue that incredible work ethic, it becomes scary to think about slowing down. It is okay to slow down. You’ve done enough. You are enough. We are more than grateful for the amazing things you’ve given to Ahgases. I hope you’re able to take time to rest for yourself, for your soul, and for your heart.
My three favorite songs produced by Jackson in GOT7 are ‘Special’, ‘Go Higher’, and ‘Phoenix’. Jackson’s songs in GOT7 are upbeat and bring hype energy which I enjoy. Some honorable mentions are ‘Boom x3’ and ‘Out’. Jackson has released so much more music as a solo artist and it has been cool seeing his solo musical journey. He’s experimented a lot with new genres and sounds. I know that is not easy so I’m proud of him for trying out new things. I enjoy more of his solo music more than some of the music he’s produced in GOT7. Having said that, some songs vibe with me and some don’t which is perfectly fine. I’m still going to enjoy seeing Jackson evolve as an artist.
Jinyoung, the mom of the group in GOT7. My bias wrecker of GOT7! Ahgases also know him as Actor Park Jinyoung. His acting skills have continued to improve every year. I knew how good of an actor he was when I first watched ‘If You Do’ mv. His acting in that mv when he ripped up the painting of the girl and then screamed afterward was very powerful for me. I didn’t even need to hear the sound to know his acting was top-notch in that part of the mv. I’m also happy to see so many other Ahgases continue to support his ventures in acting.
Jinyoung, I cried and was happy when you said “Only Ahgases know how talented GOT7 are.” back in your Keep Spinning World Tour in 2019. I was happy because it showed how much you were grateful for Ahgases and that our efforts to promote and support GOT7 are noted and appreciated. And yet, I cried because it reminded me of the notion that GOT7 is somewhat underrated. Ahgases knows how amazing GOT7 is overall but the rest of the world has not come to see this yet. Ahgases will be here for GOT7 and, the anxiety you feel may never go away and when it reappears, I hope you’ll come back and find moments of Ahgases support to help you get through those anxieties. I hope you have an amazing time back once you’re discharged from your military service.
My three favorite songs produced by Jinyoung in GOT7 are ‘Thank You’, ‘Love You Better’, and ‘The End’. Again, it was challenging for me to choose, so I had to include some honorable mentions: ‘I Won’t Let You Go’, ‘I Am Me’, ‘Mayday’, ‘Paradise’, and ‘Firework’. Park Jinyoung! You have a strong talent for writing lyrics that evoke so many emotions from your fans. I even go as far as saying you are the best lyricist in GOT7. I noticed I listen to your songs the most whenever I am emotional and it often comforts me during those moments.
Youngjae, the powerful vocalist member of GOT7. He grew on me throughout my time as an Ahgase. Not that I didn’t like Youngjae because I do, it was just the impact and role that I wasn’t sure of with him. He was the vocalist and that was about it. And boy was I wrong, when Youngjae sings, it is immaculate. Like, I felt bad and stupid for not seeing how amazing he is as an artist (this was back in the first few months of me being an Ahgase). Early on as an Ahgase, it occurred to me that out of the vocalists, I recognized Youngjae’s voice the most. That helped me begin to like him more in GOT7.
One thing I will never forget about Youngjae was the spoiler he gave during the preparation for Flight Log Departure. It was Youngjae, Mark, BamBam, and Coco doing a VLive at Han River, and Youngjae accidentally sang a part of the chorus in ‘Fly’. I laughed so hard when I first saw that video knowing it was an innocent mistake that led to an incredible moment between the members and Ahgases. Youngjae also has the best laugh in GOT7. He laughs so proudly and energetically that when I see him do it, it makes me want to laugh along with him too. I’m so grateful Youngjae debuted with GOT7.
My three favorite songs produced by Youngjae in GOT7 are ‘Timeout’, ‘Sick’, and ‘Breath’. Honorable mentions are ‘Hesitate’, ‘Moon U’, ‘Sign’, and ‘Aura’. I’ve realized Youngjae’s music is the one I don’t vibe with the most out of GOT7. I’m sorry Youngjae stans! I do have to say I fell in love with ‘Timeout’ and ‘Breath’ on my first listen to those songs. They went straight into my playlist and were part of my rotation for a while. Youngjae’s solo music is interesting where they are light and chill. I like that about his music and I wonder if that’s something he’s planning to continue or experiment with some different sounds. I’ve listened a lot to his early unofficial releases on SoundCloud as ARS and I noticed back then his songs were about love and heartbreak.
BamBam, the cutie member of GOT7. The member that has undergone the biggest transformation is Double B. BamBam looked like a very cute kid when he debuted and puberty came in strong as he aged. Double B looks less like a kid and has now looked mature and grown. It also helps that BamBam is working out nowadays and is targeting his back and shoulder areas. The transformation is going to get even better and I know BamBam stans can’t wait to see it happen. I also love how BamBam does not shy away from rizzing up female idols that are comfortable with him (The best example I can think of is him and Wendy from Red Velvet). His pickup lines are both cringy and hilarious and I’ve included them in my game too. Thank you for that BamBam.
The one thing I greatly love about BamBam is his bravery. I say he is brave because he does things that he enjoys and it doesn’t bother him how others perceive him. He’s comfortable in his skin and who he is. Like when he was into dabbing and he was dabbing every single day when that was a thing. Seeing him be free with who he is makes me want to follow suit and emulate that as well. BamBam has unfiltered crazy funny energy that I love and it makes the interactions in GOT7 unpredictable and enjoyable. You make my life so much brighter and I thank you for all of the laughter you’ve gifted me.
My three favorite songs produced by BamBam in GOT7 are ‘Believe’, ‘Waiting For You’, and ‘The Reason’. There are no honorable mentions here because many of GOT7’s b-sides are collaborations by more than one member and I’ve mentioned them above already. I’ve enjoyed the b-sides that BamBam has been a part of and now as a solo artist, he’s gotten even better. I didn’t quite like riBBon as much compared to his newer releases of B(B) and Sour & Sweet. I’m excited to see the next time he releases new music.
Yugyeom, the Mr. Purity member of GOT7. Mr. Hit The Stage! Our dancing machine! And the maknae of the group. First of all, I just want to apologize to Yugyeom for being the target of GOT7’s difficult pranks when the group gets into acting mode and has a “serious” discussion back in Real GOT7 and GOT7ing. It must’ve been a bit difficult being the maknae of GOT7 and at the same time, you know all of your hyungs love you dearly. You also double down and give it back in the amount of teasing back to your hyungs and Ahgases love seeing those banters you have with your hyungs.
Yugyeom’s swagger on stage when he performs is so clean and good. One of my favorites is when he’s in the center of the choreo for ‘Hard Carry’, he slays so hard in that last section being semi-wet. Yugyeom, Jinyoung, and Jay B to me are like the three stabilizers in GOT7 because of how versatile they are. In dancing, singing, and rapping. He’s on par with Jinyoung and Jay B and that shows work ethic and improvement throughout his time with GOT7. You’re an amazing artist and know that Ahgases are forever grateful to have such a talented and savage maknae in GOT7.
My three favorite songs produced by Yugyeom in GOT7 are ‘Don’t Care’, ‘To Me’, and ‘1°’. There is only one honorable mention here from Yugyeom: ‘Thank You, Sorry’. I’ve enjoyed Yugyeom’s solo music because he’s really into hip-hop and R&B like Jay B. It also helped a lot that he joined the label AOMG which has allowed him creative freedom in his music. I love ‘Don’t Care’ and ‘To Me’, they just feel like slow grind music and I love the lyrics in these songs too. I’m excited to hear what new music he’s planning to realize in the future.
I hope this letter somehow in someway reaches GOT7 so that they know and understand how much they’ve impacted my life. I can go on and on about why I love and stan GOT7 and I will never be able to express what these seven beautiful humans mean to me truly. I’m so grateful to have found these guys when I did and how much they’ve helped me throughout my life with their existence as GOT7. So many great moments of laughter that brighten up my day. So many times their songs have given me the energy to get through the day. And the many nights of feeling sad and alone with GOT7’s music playing in the background comforting me. I’ve been truly blessed to have been born in a time to see GOT7’s journey in person. Like y’all said back when Spinning Top Album was released, let’s keep spinning together. Thank you so much GOT7.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hello! This piece is dedicated to my first crush after post-grad. I didn’t expect myself to be crushing on someone so quickly after graduating. The universe works in strange ways so I just took it as is. It was difficult for me to come up with the title of this piece so I had followers on Facebook and Instagram vote on a name! This was the first time I ever tried to incorporate Spanish into a poem. My Spanish is still terrible but I think it worked really well in this piece. There is a special bonus hidden within this poem as well! If you’re reading this on your phone, please put it in landscape mode for the correct format! Hopefully, y’all will be able to enjoy this!
Can I relive the first time I got engulfed in your adorable amber eyes?
Your sweet voice inebriated every fiber of my being.
A 5’6 queen with the temper of a lioness.
"Oh, cómo el mundo aún no se ha enamorado de ella?"
I'm a historian and you're the history I want to learn.
History will know in 2023, I discovered the Eighth Wonder of the World.
Radiance. You must be the reason that word was created.
You are the heat wave the news keeps warning us about.
The world is a brighter and better place wherever you go.
I ran after you because I didn’t want you to go alone.
I couldn’t go with you but I still wanted you to be safe.
Your determination is admirable and that made me fall more for you.
No one could have prepared me for the fun I had with you.
I was smiling so much hearing your laughter.
Seeing your gentle smile every day onward gave me strength.
All I want is the best and only the best for you. That’s why
I didn’t mind getting in trouble because you were having fun.
I would do it all over again to see that radiant smile.
Let me stay here a little longer and let happiness linger.
Because I don’t know if I’ll get to see you again.
I’m already dreading the days ahead knowing I will miss you.
Every single day with you was bright and lovely.
The experiences we shared gave me meaning and value.
I'll cherish them and protect them, memories of our shared melody.
Although our time was limited, I’m grateful to have met you.
It probably meant very little to you but for me, it meant everything.
I’m someone that wants your life to have a happy ending.
Letting go of these feelings is something I don’t want to do. So,
I’ll cheer you on from afar on your journey. I know you’ll go on
and be great, even if I am not there with you. Thank you for everything.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hello everyone! It has been a while since I last uploaded new works on my WordPress. I recently graduated from CSU, Chico! In my last semester, I took ENGL 420W once again as a fun class for myself. This is one of the pieces I wrote for class. I wrote about the feelings of how a loving parent would tell and think about their children. Specifically, I wrote it from the perspective of a father. I’m not a dad yet but I tried my best to convey some of the emotions I think I would eventually come to feel and think too. I hope you all are doing well and enjoy!
1 Minute Read
When you were born, it became real to me.
Real in the things I needed to do.
I’ve never done this before, so I apologize first.
I may not say the right things, and I will irritate you greatly
It is because I want what is best for you.
But when the day comes you know what you want.
I will gladly accept your decisions.
When you fall in love, I will be both happy and sad.
The experiences of love are unimaginable.
It will take you to the greatest of highs and the deepest of lows.
Whoever you love, all I ask is for you to be happy.
The day I die and pass away. I hope the sadness and tears
will only last briefly. More than anything, you must
continue to live, there is still so much for you to do.
We can continue all the conversations we didn’t have
when I see you again in heaven.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hello everyone! It has been a while since I last uploaded new works on my WordPress. I recently graduated from CSU, Chico! In my last semester, I took ENGL 420W once again as a fun class for myself. This is one of the pieces I wrote for class. I don’t remember exactly what the prompt was or what we had to include. I do remember that I wanted to include a small dialogue from Final Fantasy 7 when Aerith and Cloud talked to each other. Maybe that was what I thought when I first wrote this piece. I hope you all are doing well and enjoy!
1 Minute Read
I just wanted flowers. The ones that linger a little longer.
Little did I know the flowers were a trap. I should’ve known
I was over-trusting, over-emotional, and overtaken.
“How much for this one?” I asked.
“Ooo, great choice. Well, it usually depends on the customer.
For you, it’s free.”
“What’s the catch? You wouldn’t give it to me for free.”
“All I ask is for you to revisit my flower stall in the future.”
Her words left me in limbo, unable to react,
only my heart was moving. Before I knew it,
I was simping for her.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hello everyone! It has been a while since I last uploaded new works on my WordPress. I recently graduated from CSU, Chico! In my last semester, I took ENGL 420W once again as a fun class for myself. This is one of the pieces I wrote for class. I don’t remember exactly what the prompt was or what we had to include. I just kinda went off on a whim and wrote about the Summer Solstice because it is very close to my birthday. I hope you all are doing well and enjoy!
1 Minute Read
The longest day of the year that burns and illuminates the Earth. The thread between reality and the spirit world thins and stretches as people make madness and emotions run high. Gather the flowers and hope young love will shine right with the right one.
When the Sun sets, the shadows come. Whispers and apologies form. It won’t last long, the Moon’s shift clocks out soon. It wishes to stay but Sun reins and takes the Moon’s soul.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hello everyone! It has been a while since I last uploaded new works on my WordPress. I recently graduated from CSU, Chico! In my last semester, I took ENGL 420W once again as a fun class for myself. This is one of the pieces I wrote we had to incorporate a nature element to our piece. So, I decided to write a piece inspired by the anime Violet Evergarden. I just included as many references to flowers and their colors in this piece. It became a lot darker than I had originally intended and I’m fine with that. Minor spoiler here, but the anime itself is pretty dark as well so I think it still fits the theme. I hope you all are doing well and enjoy!
1 Minute Read
False hope is the worse crime in this life,
a promised neverland failed to shelter the
lost mother along her evergarden violet path
as she killed her bougainvillea humanity to
survive the magnolia war she knew was brewing
in the white camellia wind, in the rose sea,
in the emerald forest, in the claudia-colored
fire, in the cattleya rain, in her iris heart, her
stephanotis blood stained hands soak through
her silene battle dress, her charlotte knife hung
from her pinkie, she saw it all with her blue lily
eyes, only the crushed dried bennet in her bag
can remind her of where she’s to go to find the
laurus major who gave her false hope in life.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hello everyone! It has been a while since I last uploaded new works on my WordPress. I recently graduated from CSU, Chico! In my last semester, I took ENGL 420W once again as a fun class for myself. This is one of the pieces I wrote for my class. We were asked to write a poem as an ode. I decided to write about myself and my consumption of soju while I was in South Korea when I studied abroad in the Fall of 2019. I hope you all are doing well and enjoy!
1 Minute Read
Clanking of glasses echos the chilling Autumn night. The sweet liquid washes the troubling thoughts for a moment. “One shot, one shot” words of encouragement. The easiest way to drown in culture. “Soju hanna juseyo” “소주 하나 주세요” You could say I spent more time with Soju than anyone else in South Korea. Soju did not judge me, nor pitied me, all the way to the final drop. Soju wore grape perfume and liked strawberries. But mostly bitter, like me. I think that is why we got along.
Slap the won down, choke the bottle’s neck, and rip off the cap. Not the Korean way but fastest way to forget about the broken promises Soju was a great listener but they never answered the questions I asked. But that is okay, I already knew the answer. I just wanted validation to allow myself to grief.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note:This is a portfolio that I had to submit for my last assignment for my ENGL 420W – Advanced Poetry Writing class at CSU, Chico during my Spring 2023 semester. Below, you will find four poems and one letter to my younger self. For this submission, we had to use a photo or painting that we took/made to represent our title and the works we’ve produced this semester. But WordPress won’t let me publish it without a title so I decided to title it Moving On. You’ll notice that three of the pieces are ones that I’ve actually made before. I wanted to go back and revisit them and see if I can give them new life or a different perspective to what I originally created. Right below this author’s note is a photo of me because that is the photo I chose for my title. If you are reading this on your phone, please turn it sideways to landscape for the correct format! I hope you enjoy these!
12 Minutes Read
Photo Credits Find them on Instagram @pachiavangphotography
I Believe In You
Little Boy, sharpen yourself for the harsh realities of this world.
Your fevered ears became deaf from the toxicity.
Bitten bloodied tongue kept the fake peace, you are tired of mourning in the mornings.
Feel the blood drip down in your throat. Let it fuel you. It will allow you to survive.
Little Hmong boy, understand that respect is earned, not given.
Are you ready to fight? Fleeing, will not be an option.
I do not know when you will stop. It will be a neverending fight.
Against your culture, your language, your pride, your community, your essence.
Be patient with pog. She loves you, her favorite grandchild. Survive for her.
“I couldn’t, so you will.” Carry on her legacy, all the pain and pride.
Teen boy, mature quickly and leave behind Disney and friends.
You will lose many friends, kids can’t come along.
This will be a lonely journey of never being enough for yourself.
Remember we have reasons for our secrets. The truth will hurt more than the lies.
Down the 40oz, and sleep. Another nightmare day is on the horizon.
Teen Hmong boy, always on the grind. Troubled thoughts cloud your mind.
Sing out your tears. Your eyes will sing the saddest melodies.
The hidden voices get louder like an evil symphony.
You’ve thought about ending this melody many times.
“You’ve done well, I won’t blame you, if you decide to give up. It’s okay. I mean it.”
Young man, can you forgive yourself? Can you do that? Is it not too much?
I wish you would. It is the most difficult emotion. Forgive, that is you, that is us.
It has always been too tough, it’s hard to open up.
People will constantly leave your life, and that is okay.
But just because it is okay, I know it will always hurt you the most.
Young Hmong man, being the only Asian student in your class.
This education is a privilege, please do not waste the sacrifices from the Secret War.
Our community is too immature, too violent, to ever love and care for one another.
These OGs don’t care about the youths’ opinions and logic.
I beg you to not turn your back on your community. Save them.
They need you, desperately, more than you need them.
To you, keep moving forward day by day, and do not be trapped by your liquored past.
Your shattered heart is made of red glass. Break down those glass panes.
They could never walk your daggered path.
“Move on, it’s not like we’ve always had what we wanted. We will find a way to survive.”
It hurts because it feels good to be needed but not at the expense of losing yourself.
To you now,
Going to graduate from high school.
Attending college as a first-generation student.
Going to study abroad in a different country.
Going to live out their dream and change the world.
Shine and glow, even more, they will be amazed at your growth rate.
Don’t shy away from making mistakes.
“Adversity will make you strong and it will lead you to the top.”
I was and still am that young Hmong man. I am never going
Back to the bottom. I had
Every reason to give up. Yet, here I am.
Let the past and the future be your driving force.
I want to give you a hug and tell you
Everything is going to be okay. Please
Value the good and the bad. Go ahead and cry, please, let it all out,
Every tear for the ones you impacted, and the ones that impacted you.
I understand how you feel and don’t apologize for the way you feel.
Never give up, always find the light within.
Your feelings are valid. Trust yourself and don’t hold back.
Onwards and blaze a trail into the
Universe. “Please know, I believe in you.”
Represent Re-present!
* Crowd claps four times in succession
And this is what I rep!
I represent the silent ones! I represent the ones that never won! They expect me to fail.
But nah, I ain’t like that. I’m tough as nails, smooth like ale, and cold as hail.
They try to color my future like the Mekong while tryna make me forget about the napalms.
I sprouted from those metal shells, toxic gel couldn’t keep me in hell.
I always wanted more cuz I never had enough. My haters talk big but I know they’re all bluffs.
Imma be on my grind like I suppose. Checking off my goals like playing bingo.
Some say I’ve changed, a better question is “Why are you still the same?” I know that’s insane,
you hate me, but you know me. Cuz I don’t know you, but you know my name.
Focus on me like a final boss cuz I’m too strong, call it Nuoc Mam sauce.
You can never contain me, down to the letter I’m a bad B.
Bring on the hate. I embrace the friction. Cuz it only grows the flame.
I thank you for the attention, this fire is innate, something you can’t obtain.
Energy immaculate, going up, mastered it. I am more than what you imagined,
My work ethic make’em wheeze like an asthmatic, I accept it all, the dubs and the Ls.
Listen to those bells. My name still rings. This is Manting. I will remain king.
Yeah, it ain’t special. Simply, Just Doin Ma Ting, and I hope you do the same.
It won’t be long. Til I’m at the top. Cuz I’m never gonna stop. They’ll have no choice but to clap.
They’ll hail at me like a taxi cab. Cuz in the end, I’ve put Hmong on the map!
Let Me As You
Let me as you talk, sit next to you like kids at a playground whispering secrets we don’t want the adults to hear. “I have a crush on you.” That was the secret you told me. You were my best friend’s crush. I did not want to hurt him or hurt you. Will I lose him or you? Or, will I lose you both?
Let me as you walk, place the umbrella over your head to shield you from the rain. If you get sick, that brings me pain. I’m too nice and that is something I can’t change. Please, don’t take this the wrong way. How can this pathetic me ever be enough for you?
Let me as you weep, step away. I can’t be the one to comfort you. I must not be. Your tears carry the emotions only those who have died inside can express. I hate to see you like this. And I hate how powerless I am to make you feel better. If I just accept my feelings for you too, will this pain be easier?
I went back and hugged you in hopes that it would help stop your tears. But I see that Nelson is already hugging you. Did I make a mistake in coming back? You move out from Nelson’s embrace and turn to me.
You asked me, “Why are you doing this to me?! You rejected me and I accepted that. But now, you are giving me hope. Please, stop. That is more cruel than any rejection you could’ve said. All I’m asking for is your honesty. Do you have feelings for me too? Or is that also too much to ask, Exia?” I guess, in the end, I will be losing you both.
Changed
“Realization of how much we have changed over the years is scary.
We’ve learned, we’ve caved, we’ve grown, and we’ve failed.” Yet,
how do you measure how much you have changed? One step? Two
steps? One breath? Two breaths? One death? Two deaths? What more
can I do? What more can I show? This power, it is delicious… Oh my,
have I become a villain? Ahh, is this what it means to be empowered?
No longer empty! No longer embarrassed! No longer desired! No longer
sired! Brothers, do you see how much I have changed? Are you not proud?
I became what you couldn’t! I became the one who could! Is it not scary? I
am more than you could ever imagine! This potential is all possible because
I drank the potion. The potion of “fuck it.” Fuck your opinions, fuck my
limit, fuck your distractions… haha, would you like a sip of this potion too?
Chug it down, all the way to the very last drop. And when you see your
reflection in the bottle, you’ll see how much you’ve changed.
Letter to a Poet – Manting Xiong
Dear Manting Xiong,
I read your poems “I Believe In You”, “Represent Represent”, “Let Me As You”, and “Changed” for my class for the final portfolio project. I want to start off by saying thank you for writing and sharing these pieces of poetry with the world. I’ve actually read all of your previous works and I really enjoyed the pieces you’ve written this semester for Jeanne’s Advanced Poetry course at Chico State. I know your WordPress audience will look forward to you sharing this with your writing collection.
I first want to talk to you about your cover photo. You chose a photo of yourself which I thought was pretty conceited of you but the more I thought about it, it does make sense why you chose that to represent your work for this semester. You’re smiling, and that is not a normal sight for anyone to see. I think it shows the happiness you’re finding in yourself after completing college. But also, that smile hides a lot of pain and anxiety that you’ve endured this semester. That goes for everything this semester, including the work you produced for this course. You’re proud, and you weren’t afraid to show it this semester by taking up space and putting out the work that you found most interesting. It’s not much, but you did what you could. I think that will always be enough even if you yourself don’t feel like it was.
The materials you read this semester were interesting. It dove into many deep, dark, and uncomfortable topics. But they were still enjoyable to read because you had no idea what each piece was going to talk about. It was a bit difficult to read at times due to the heavy topics but when you were able to revisit each piece, it gave you new insight on how you felt about certain things. I think that was important for you and the writing you were producing. So, I think Jeanne deserves to know how grateful you are to have had her as your professor now for the fourth time and just have read great works and pieces by new authors you’ve never heard before.
Much of the feedback you received from your classmates seems to indicate how noticeable your lyricism is. Which seems to have been your strong suit and element present in most of your poems. I think if you’re able to try different things while centering it around your lyricism, your poems can really take off. Looking forward to seeing how your writing will grow and expand in the coming years.
Congratulations! You’re finally graduating! It has been a very very long six years here at Chico State. There were many points that you struggled in and it made you question if a college degree was really worth it. But I’m sure that as you reflect on your college journey, you realize how much you’ve grown. It was difficult to see that you were growing during the struggle. But now that it is over, I hope you can move forward with the parts of your life that you postponed because of college.
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Manting Xiong
Sadly, WordPress has format restrictions on what it can do so the end product on here will look somewhat different from how I intentionally wanted it to be. So if there are some parts that don’t quite look in the right place, I apologize for that.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
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