LFYS: It’s Better This Way

Author’s Note: Hello! Before I continue, it is NOT required of you to have read the first story. I highly recommend reading it to get an even more complete experience with some references and connections between Ting and Teela. I know what you’re saying right now, WHAT?! A sequel? Haha, yes, this is the sequel to my story ‘Letter From Your Sister” This means we get to see more interactions between our protagonist and his younger sister Teela! But how am I going to write a sequel to a dream I had?

To be honest, I don’t know either. I guess that is where the fun comes in. I get to make things up now to connect this sequel to the first story or dream. Plus, I get to add some of my recent life events and experiences into this piece to spice things up. And if you haven’t figured it out yet, the prequel’s title is included in this one too! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this read! Stick around after the ending to read up on the creative process I went through to get to this point of writing this story!

20 Minutes Read

The door into the patient room closes. This causes Teela to turn and stare at the person in front of her from her seated position on the hospital bed. She’s unable to stop smiling because she’s been waiting for this person. “You made it.” said Teela. “Yeah, I did. Sorry, it took me so long to get here.” said Ting. Ting begins to get teary-eyed seeing his sister in this condition. It reminded him of how their Grandma was in her final years. Weak, fragile, and scared. “You’re crying already? Don’t cry too much. I don’t want my last memories of my Older Brother to be of him crying for me.” said Teela.

“Okay, sorry. I’ll try my best to minimize my crying but there are no guarantees. You already know how I am, still a crybaby even after all these years.” replied Ting. “Well, still try your best. Plus, I don’t have tissues for you this time around.” Teela teased Ting. “Where’s Sister-In-Law? I wanted to see her too.” asked Teela. “She’s waiting outside in the lobby area with Juneson and Caroline. She wanted to give us some privacy first. She’ll come in later with them. How do you feel?” asked Ting. “Better now with you here.” Teela smiled as she said that and blinked a few times sarcastically. Seeing how Ting didn’t smile back she knew he wanted a different reply. “But I know you want my honest answer… I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I can feel it. I don’t want to continue living in this condition. I don’t want us to focus on that though. Let’s just talk and see how it goes. This may be my last conversation with you, Ting.” replied Teela.

Teela has gotten skinnier due to her ailment. She’s dying. Her strength and energy began to decline the year Ting got married. She didn’t share with anyone about her illness. The only person who knew was Ting and his wife. She kept up the act until it was too late. She held on for so long to see Ting grow with his new beautiful family. In the five years since Ting got married, he has one son named Juneson and one daughter named Caroline. Juneson was born first and Caroline a few years afterward. It’s an interesting juxtaposition here, Teela’s life is ending and Ting’s new life is flourishing.

Ting doesn’t reply as he ponders on Teela’s words. He nods while preparing himself for this conversation with his sister. He takes a minute to himself and looks around Teela’s room. The white and dark blue decorations create a homey feel as the orange and yellow sunset from outside paints the walls through the window. Ting walks over and sits in the chair by Teela’s bed and turns his whole body to face her. Teela breaks the silence by asking Ting first. “I have a lot to talk to you about. You have time for me, right?” Teela asked Ting. “Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you too.” Ting replied.

“Then, my first question is, do you think we’ll still have these same feelings? About each other? About the future? About where we will be?” asked Teela. “Maybe? We’re going to change so much. These feelings might change too. I don’t want to forget you. It will be difficult moving on without my Younger Sister to tease and nag at me.” replied Ting. “And what feelings are those that you’re meaning?” asked Teela. “That I love my sister so much. I wish she could have lived a beautiful life. One where the end of her story is filled with happiness and laughter. One where her goodbyes are few and her hellos are definite. One where… one where my sister is alive with me.”

Teela chuckles at that part of Ting’s reply. Teela explained “Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh at that, just now that you said it out loud, it makes me realize that is what I want too. I’ve been convincing myself that this is it and the more I try to reason with it, the more I push back. It’s as if my body isn’t willing to give up yet. And you don’t have to worry about that anymore, please. I did live a beautiful life, I was able to see you study abroad in South Korea. I was able to see you get your degree. And I was able to see you get married. All those memories of you made my life beautiful.” She continued “Can you believe that it’s been five years since then? Five years since I gave you that letter?” asked Teela. “Wow, five years. That’s half a decade already. Has it been that long? I can’t believe that five years went by just like that. It was an enjoyable and happy time we got to experience together. I still have that letter you wrote me. I read it often whenever I feel down or whenever I miss you.” said Ting.

“You still have that letter? Well, it does sound like you. Should’ve known that you would keep it, you big softie.” Teela teased Ting. “You know you never did tell me how you and Sister-In-Law met. I even mentioned it in the letter and you both never spilled the tea. Nor did you tell me the secret to why you both worked out” said Teela. “Right, I guess I never did tell you. Want me to start from the beginning?” asked Ting. Teela nodded and Ting began. “Forewarning, it’s not as exciting as you may think it is. Don’t hype yourself up just to be let down okay.” said Ting. “Just hurry up already Ting” Teela replied and also gave him a quick jab to his side. Compared to her previous punch at Ting’s wedding, this jab barely had any weight behind it.

“We met in the Spring after I graduated from college. I want to say it was at the beginning of March. We met through a mutual friend. Well, we didn’t formally meet each other. It was more like we were in a shared space and saw each other. I didn’t talk to her at first because I was shy and wasn’t trying to do too much. Even though I was shy, my palms were sweating, my body was heating up, and my face was feeling red… my heart wasn’t racing. Weirdly, it was calm. That was something I noticed about myself when I began to interact with her.” said Ting. He continued “Most of our early interactions were through text. And it never really went anywhere. Mainly because I’m a terrible flirt through text and was never really good at it. And you already know how I am. It’s easy for me to fall for someone. And when I fall, I fall hard. Just traits of a hopeful romantic.” Ting jokes.

“Keep going, I want to hear more about her.” Teela pleaded. “Well, you already know she’s not Hmong. Haha, I can hear Grandma turning in her grave right now. Grandma never liked the idea of me dating someone from a different race or culture. But I’m heavily attracted to white women and that’s not something I choose, it’s just enate.” said Ting. “Honestly, I wasn’t shocked when I found out my Sister-In-Law was white. That was your type. And I did mean it when I said in the letter that you outdid yourself with this one. My Sister-In-Law is gorgeous but she has an even more beautiful soul. My sister-in-law has a way of bringing people together.” Teela said happily.

“The first time we formally talked to each other was at a concert-like event. She was there to support her friends and I wanted to attend to support the event too. And a big part of me was secretly hoping that she was attending. And maybe I could muster up the courage to talk to her in person.” Ting smiled sheepishly as he said that. Teela rolled her eyes when he finished his sentence. “I arrived at the event a little late so I missed the opening act and most of the seats were taken up so I decided to stand in the back. As the next act was coming up, I noticed someone coming to stand next to me on my right side. I don’t think she knew it was me who she was standing next to. Or maybe she knew it was me and purposely stood next to me. I finally had enough courage to tap her shoulder and say ‘Hi’” said Ting

“She’s a bit shorter than me. She has straight and flowy black hair that reaches down past her shoulders. The reason she came late was because she had just gotten out of class. The semester is winding down and she’s busy finishing up her assignments and getting ready for graduation. In fact, she had a presentation showcase earlier that week talking about mental health for one of her classes. I found out that we actually liked the same artist due to me showing her the bracelet I was wearing. She’s an interesting person. She works hard and yet doesn’t feel a sense of accomplishment when she scores top of class. It’s just routine for her. Like, it is to be expected. I was shocked when she shared that. It’s such a flex to say that. It made me admire her and her abilities. It also makes me wonder where that level of confidence stems from. Like, what other experiences did she encounter to make her think like that?” Ting rambled on.

“Sorry, I’m going off-topic, anyways we watched the performances together until there was a minor accident in one of the acts that delayed the show. While that was getting sorted out, it allowed me an opportunity to talk to her. Although it didn’t turn out that way as a few of her friends came over and talked with her. Her attention was divided between her friends and me. As she kept talking it got more difficult paying attention to what she was saying because I was getting lost in her eyes. Funny enough she stopped talking and shared an interesting tendency about her eyes when she’s tired. She was a bit pouty when she revealed that small secret to me. And yet, that made her eyes even more beautiful especially when she smiled too.” said Ting “I told her that it was an interesting quirk. To be honest, I love finding out small details like that about a person.” said Ting.

“Can you describe what you saw in those eyes of hers?” asked Teela. “Her eyes held warmth. A warmth that can dispel any forces of winter that dare to stand in her way. A warmth that gives comfort and stability to those lucky enough to meet her eyes. A warmth that soothes the aching soul and reassures us that better things are coming. That’s what I noticed about her eyes. The accident was sorted out and they resumed the show. Until the intermission before the final act, I’d like to think we stood there together enjoying each other’s company and the show. We even learned a quick dance together too. It was as if we were on a semi-date.” said Ting. “Ting, you are so delusional. That’s not a date you dummy.” Teela shook her head as she said that. “Sadly, I ended up leaving early because I had a responsibility to attend so I couldn’t stay with her the whole time.” Ting sadly said.

“I was actually late to my responsibility and I had to make up a lie to appease the people I was meeting. I ended up saying that I was on a date and that made up for everything apparently. However, that did lead to them nagging at me wanting to learn more about who this mysterious date was.” Ting said while chuckling. Teela gave out a sigh and rolled her eyes again. “I ended up sharing the lie with her, your Sister-In-Law called me out saying that she ‘Knew the lie was that I was on a date with someone.’ She wasn’t mad, more like she was elated from predicting that was the lie I told. I ended up saying ‘It wasn’t a total lie. I was on a date… just with myself.’” Ting jokingly said. “WHAT?! Oh my god. You are so corny.” Teela interrupted not believing the cheesiness she was hearing.

“You want to know what really got me hooked though? She said ‘No, you weren’t alone. You were with me.’ I couldn’t tell if she was flirting with me or just teasing me. Probably just teasing me but you know I’m an overthinker so I interpreted as she was flirting with me. And from that, I asked her out on a date.” said Ting. “Just like that? And it worked?” Teela asked, perplexed. “Well… she rejected me. Not once, not twice, but three times actually.” Ting admitted embarrassingly. “Twice in one month and once the following month.” Ting concluded. “Holy shit Ting that’s brutal. Why did she reject you three times?” asked Teela. “She has her reasons why and I respect that. I’m just also a stubborn person so I kept trying.” Ting admitted.

“Should’ve known that you wouldn’t give up that easily. You always go after the difficult things don’t you? You know that’s your red flag right?” Teela stated to Ting. “I know, that is my red flag. I like to see it more as perseverance rather than me being stubborn.” Ting grinned after saying that. His grin fades and he continues “I can never have it easy huh?” “Nope, you never will. You don’t do yourself any favors too. You always go after the impossible and difficult things. Even when you know you’re not supposed to. I know your heart and how you are. Once you set your mind on something, it’s tough to convince you to stop. So, good luck and keep fighting.” said Teela.

“You two did end up getting married so something must’ve worked. What was it?” As Teela finished asking her question, she started coughing and blood dripped out from the corner of her mouth. Ting grabbed a tissue and wiped away the blood. “Sorry about that, I’ve been holding in that cough since you first walked in…” Teela took a deep breath. “So, how did you two get to this point?” Teela asked again. “It…” Ting began but then Teela stopped him by putting a hand up. “Actually, no. Don’t tell me. Save it.” Ting looked at her confusingly. “Tell it to both Grandma and I when you see us again.” Teela requested. “Why?” Ting asked. “It’s better this way.” Teela said smilingly.

As Teela finishes her sentence, it begins to rain outside. “Aww man. I’m running out of time and this is how Mother Earth is sending me off? In this terrible rainy weather?” Teela tried to uplift the mood with a joke. Seeing how that didn’t work she asked a question. “What was your impression of me?” asked Teela. “My first impression of you was that you were strong. Not in the physical sense but in mindset and your drive. You have a contagious optimism. You have a positive perspective on life and yet you don’t bullshit the realities that we encounter too.” replied Ting. Teela doesn’t reply, instead, she stares out the window thinking about Ting’s reply. “You know, I’m usually not that strong. Often I am scared. Scared that I might fail. Scared that everything I worked hard for might not satisfy me in the end. But I was able to get through it all because of you.” answered Teela. The conversation turns silent and they both stare out the window. The silence is filled with sounds of rain from outside. The rain doesn’t seem to slow down anytime soon. Teela stares back at Ting and he asks her.

Ting’s hands went to cover his eyes and he began to sob. “How… How can you say that? How can you say that when I couldn’t even protect you? Am I enough? Was I ever enough?” asked Ting. “You don’t have to be enough for me. Or for Sister-In-Law. You just have to be enough for yourself. And that will always be the most important thing.” replied Teela. Teela sadly asks “So, is this it? Is this where we part ways?” Ting takes a deep sigh and replies “Yes, it is.” Ting stares at her and asks “Did you ever look up what your name meant?” Teela shakes her head. “Can I make up a meaning for you then?” She nods.

“Teela, her name represents the essence of bravery. Rooted in Edelweiss lore, Teela symbolizes the flowers that guide life’s bravest warriors. Those bearing the name Teela are often seen as beacons of hope, a reminder of that the darkness will pass. Teela inspires others to embrace the beauty of each moment with grace and gratitude. People honor the name Teela by gifting the same enduring love to the world like how she has given them.” stated Ting. Teela and Ting stare back at each other holding back their tears.

“It’s selfish of me to be making so many requests to you but can you leave the room and send Sister-In-Law in here? I want to spend some of these last few moments with her alone.” Teela requested. “I don’t want you to see me get any worse and, I have one last letter addressed for Sister-In-Law’s eyes only.” Teela added. “Okay, if that’s what you want. I will grant it but what’s in the letter for her?” Ting curiously asked as he got up to leave. “That’s our little secret.” Teela teased Ting one last time. “So, where will you go after?” asked Ting. “I don’t know. I’m hoping to visit Grandma. It’s been a while since I last saw her. She should hear it from me about this.”Teela answered. “Say ‘Hi’ to Grandma for me?” asked Ting. “Of course.” said Teela.

Ting got up and started walking to the door. As he gets halfway to the door, he turns around and faces his sister. “You memorized it? The letter you wrote to me?” Ting asked. “Yes, I was the one who wrote it to you.” said Teela. “I have one request. May I hear you say that last paragraph to me? I never got to hear it directly from your voice.” asked Ting. “Congratulations again on your marriage big bro. Ting, I will forever be grateful to have a big brother like you. A big brother who continued to believe in the good of the world even when the world gave him every reason not to. You’re doing enough. You’re doing just fine. I know you and you’re trying your best right now. That’s all you need. Just keep your pace. You did a great job today, you worked so hard. You are my prize. Bye, big bro.” said Teela smiling at Ting. “Goodbye, Teela.” said Ting.

The End

Hello everyone! And with that comes the end of my story; LFYS: It’s Better This Way. I want to say thank you to you the readers who have taken the time to read this story. I hope you were able to enjoy it. This is the first story I’ve written post-graduation from college! I had previously gone through and updated my website back in Fall 2023 and was able to upload many of my works that were stored in my vault. Those works were mostly poems and pieces I wrote for school assignments. So, having to restart and write a new story after such a long time proved to be way more difficult than I had expected. I decided to read through some of my prior pieces to see if any of them could give me inspiration or ideas to explore.

I kept coming back to reread ‘Letter From Your Sister’ and the more I kept reading through, an idea popped into my head. Write a sequel for it! Like, it makes sense? What was weird about continuing the story was that it was solely based on a dream I had years ago. So, the difficult part was how am I going to expand on it? I decided to make it an alternative universe where those events did happen and are true. Then I was able to make an expanded story of Ting’s and Teela’s sibling relationship.

While writing this sequel, I still didn’t want to reveal the identity of the ‘Sister-In-Law’ because I still have no clue who that is. But I was able to give her some short interactions between her and Ting in this story to give her a little of character detail rather than the audience having no idea what she looked or acted like. This has been a tough piece to write about but also very enjoyable problem-solving and brainstorming! Thank you so much again for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone stays safe, stays healthy, and I hope this year treats you well. Bye!

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

May 11, 2024 0

16 Meaningful Quotes From Run On

Author’s Note: Hello! This piece was for a writing assignment for my ENGL 327W – Creative Non-Fiction course. Specifically for this assignment, we had to write it in the format of a lyric essay. I decided to write about the Netflix Korean Drama show Run On. The reason why I wrote about Run On is because it is in my top three Korean Dramas of all time. It may seem boring to some watchers but it was super refreshing to me and the amount of life relatable things the show dives into just resonates so much with me. Something really cool about this essay I wrote is the structure and format of it. I really challenged myself and did something very far left field and I took that risk for this assignment. As you read this piece on the left side will be a short summary of the episode and the quote I took from that episode. Then on the right side, I will have my personal significance section and this is my input on why this quote resonates with me. My professor and classmates were really giddy with the format I chose so I think it was a hit. Spoilers ahead! If you have not watched it yet, please do so and then come back to read this. But if you don’t care about spoilers, go on ahead. There is definitely room to improve on visualization and making the reader feel rather than me telling. Still, I hope you will be able to enjoy this piece and in a way resonate with it.

33 Minutes Read

English Title: Run On

Korean Title: 런 온

Category: Korean Drama, Romance, Comedy, Slice of Life

Created by: JTBC Drama Headquarters

Written by: Park Shi Hyun

Directed by: Lee Jae Hoon

Starring:

Number of Episodes: 16

Time of Debut: December 16th, 2020

Korean Drama Premise: Run On tells the love story of Ki Seon-gyeom, a former sprinter who is working to become a sports agent, and Oh Mi-joo, a subtitle translator. They briefly work together and bond. Though the two speak very different languages, their mutual interest pushes them past their boundaries. As they get to know each other, they navigate the complexities of human nature and communication. The second lead Seo Dan Ah is a high-ranking CEO of her company and is very career-driven until she meets college art student Lee Yeong Hwa who challenges her ways. Will these second leads be able to live their lives normally after meeting each other?

Episode, Duration, Quote, and Summary

Personal Significance

Episode 1: 67 minutes

“So about that gun… Is it even worth owning when it’s fake?” “It doesn’t have to be real to be worth something.” – Ki Seon Gyeom and Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Ki Seon Gyeom notices bruises on his friend Kim Woo Sik’s body. To apologize to her professor, Oh Mi Joo agrees to work as a translator for an upcoming event. What sounds like a typical love story between a runner and a translator turns out to be quite atypical in this first episode of Run On. Ki Seon Gyeom’s cold rich boy persona is a mask as he is actually a crazy person, and the spunky poor girl Oh Mi Joo is a loser. However, these characters are much more than their labels, and as their paths cross, it feels inevitable for them to fall for each other.

How do you start off a story? It seems difficult for me lately. Like I have what I want in mind but making it into something comprehensible takes much longer than expected. Follow me on this journey as I talk about bits and pieces of my life to the show on the left that I fell in love with.

What is great about starting something new is the whole adventure of it. Learning the tendencies and behavior of the characters involved and what makes them unique. How will the plot connect all of these characters together? Which characters will we end up hating and which ones will deserve our love?

I often question the characters of shows that I watch. I understand they play a role and that has a purpose but if they were actually a real person. How would I actually conduct myself with them? Will our viewpoints and perspectives mold together or will there be opposition instead?

It makes me reflect on myself and what I’ve done. Things that are important to me but may not be important to others. And that is perfectly fine, I would like to be agreeable but if everyone always agrees on the same thing, it becomes bland and boring. I may not understand where someone’s thought process is coming from but I won’t discard it as unimportant nor will I place those ideas above my own. I recognized everyone’s uniqueness. So, if an adult still sleeps with a Charmander plushie in their early 20s, just let them be, that plushie probably means something important to them. I understand why Oh Mi Joo has a special affinity for fake guns, everyone’s values are different

Episode 2: 71 minutes

“Why do we fall? So we learn how to pick ourselves up.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Ki Seon Gyeom gets revenge for his friend Kim Woo Sik by getting into a fight. Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom bond over a business dinner. As our protagonists get to know each other a little better, we learn that our hero may not be as dispassionate or aloof as he first seemed. When some upsetting truths are revealed, Ki Seon Gyeom tries his best to serve his version of justice, but will the justice system play fair?

And because everyone’s values are different, everyone endures different hardships and pains in their life. It would be nice if we could progress through life without worries and stress. But then we would never learn the lessons that we need to survive and grow. For the first time, I got rejected by a volleyball team in the Fall of 2017. I could’ve been depressed and felt sad for myself. I didn’t have time to do that, if I had time to wallow in sadness then I had time to get better. I embraced the friction and frustration and got back to work because that grew the flame of my desire. The younger me didn’t allow time to rest when I fell. The first aid kit wouldn’t fix anything that I dealt with.

In high school, I worked so hard to become good at volleyball. Especially, during my younger years when I first began playing. I knew I didn’t have talent compared to some of my peers on my volleyball team in high school. But I knew that my work ethic far exceeded theirs. I would show up an hour before practice and grind even before practice officially started. If someone practiced for one hour, I had to work another hour or two after them just to make sure that I wasn’t getting left behind. I’ve been left behind too many times in my life and that creates an insecurity that doesn’t allow me to rest mentally.

Episode 3: 71 minutes

“Don’t do it if you don’t want to. You don’t have to always overcome everything. So, if you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. You can rest on the weekends.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Ki Seon Gyeom takes fate into his own hands and does something drastic. Oh Mi Joo contemplates how she can best support Ki Seon Gyeom and do her job well at the same time. Ki Seon Gyeom and Oh Mi Joo get closer as work and life (and mutual interest) pull them together. Important insight into Ki Seon Gyeom and his family life goes a long way in shedding light on the man he became, and the decision that might derail his career.

That is until I was taught the importance of rest. How much that plays a role in our overall well-being. Mr. “No Days Off” learned that the weekends are valuable. As a child, bumps, and bruises didn’t damage us as much because we healed quickly. But you learn soon that our bodies can only take so much stress until it begins to break. My two patella tendonitis, shin splints, strained hip flexor, and other injuries are proof of overworking.

When I first strained my hip back in 2016, it made me hate my body. I knew my body was hurting, the weakness in my ankles when I would walk up a flight of steps, the way how my knees would buckle slightly when I walked. The right side of my hip gave out on me after I went up for a block and I landed and turned too quickly. All eyes were on me while I knelt on the ground showing weakness, I felt as if I let everyone down. It made me wish I was born with a body that could keep up with my drive and ambition.

That is what I would have let my past self think. But I know now that my body did the very best it could. I was a spoiled brat, overworking myself and still expecting the best results with the risk of injury. I was naive in that way of thinking. Those days of recovering from the strained hip were one of the calmest times I had to assess myself and my passion for volleyball. “Can I keep going? How much do I really want this? Will I be happy in the end?” Those are questions I asked myself in my recovery stage.

Episode 4: 70 minutes

“You’re so strange. You worry about everyone else but yourself. Do you know what you seem like to me? A person who’s used to being hurt.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Seo Dan Ah cleans up Ki Seon Gyeom’s mess by talking to Kim Woo Sik. Ki Seon Gyeom leaves Jeju Island and confronts Oh Mi Joo. To run or not to run? Ki Seon Gyeom puts his career on the line as he answers this question, and though the repercussions may be harsh, he’s more than ready to face the aftermath. Meanwhile, Oh Mi Joo works hard not only to ensure his bold words won’t get lost in translation but that his unrelenting ethics won’t harm him in the process.

I wanted to be a source of strength to someone, to anyone. Maybe that stems from me being a people pleaser. So, if I were to be hurt in the process of someone being happy in an ethical way. I was fine with it. I understood the difference between that and bullying. I know that different way too well. As someone who has had bullying experiences in three of my six years of elementary education, it makes me extremely angry to see bullying go unpunished.

It’s better to be hurt than to hurt others. Nice people can be happy with just that. Those are thoughts I’ve had since I was little. It just becomes “normal,” being hurt but really there is nothing normal about it. But what could I do about it growing up? I could run away, but what would that really fix? I just learned to adjust my expectations of other people’s actions and words. It’s safer that way, to minimize the pain from others. It helped, I didn’t care to know who this tooth fairy was and I didn’t need to know who this person named Santa was. Because I knew the reindeer wouldn’t have to visit my house. “If you think there is someone better for you to go live at then call them and go live with them!” Those words my father said to me when I was younger really hurt me badly. At that moment, I knew I would never have a home anymore living under the same roof as this person that was my “father.”

I didn’t include this quote from the show because I only had one per episode but Oh Mi Joo said in episode three “A home is where you come back to. If you don’t have one, why not get something that is similar instead? That is what I did. A place I can come back to.” When I first heard that, it felt as if she was an older sibling talking and giving me advice on what I should do. I’ve already been doing that since my sophomore year of college, but I feel like if this show had come out during my high school years, I don’t know if it would have had the same impact on me.

Episode 5: 69 minutes

“You are considerate to everyone around you. Did you not think that kind boy would feel the same way? No one is born able to endure pain from the start. So do not try to seem okay if that is what you are doing.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: We finally get to have quality time with our second leads! It only took five episodes… Lee Yeong Hwa tries to compensate for Seo Dan Ah’s broken bracelet by agreeing to paint for her. Oh Mji Joo translates Kim Woo Sik’s interview online to clear Ki Seon Gyeom’s name. Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom face some hard truths about each other, but will that be enough to counter the magnetic pull that keeps bringing them into each other’s orbit? As Ki Seon Gyeom tries to adjust to life after retirement, Oh Mi Joo needs to decide if her very strong feelings for him can outweigh her fears about having someone like him in her life.

Weird how being hurt can become normal for some people. I say that with experience of being that person used to being hurt. I understand the pain and treatment I endured are unfair and unjust. Maybe it is fear of retaliation if I had my back. Maybe it is fear of appearing weak to ask for help. Maybe it is because asking for help is not normalized within Asian cultures. Or do I just seem like a crazy person? Thinking back to what I used to feel, it scares me that I normalized for myself that being hurt was okay. I see myself in so many ways with Ki Seon Gyeom, he kept enduring abuse from his father, and yet he wouldn’t stand to see others being hurt. So, when he stood up for Kim Woo Sik getting bullied, I wanted Ki Seon Gyeom to do that for himself against his abusive father too.

Seeing Ki Seon Gyeom’s behavior thus far in the show, it was the first time in my life that I saw another character has much of the same trauma I’ve endured with the same mannerisms. He was resilient, well, him and the three other leads. They all had resiliency around them, excelling in their areas in very unlikely situations.

Resilient is a word I often get told to me when I’ve shared my story and traumas. I wouldn’t want someone to be resilient if they had to endure the pain I’ve gone through. It’s like telling someone who lost a game “You lost but that was a great game.” Sure, they did great. But the end result doesn’t change. They still lost. Those words still drive me crazy (internally) whenever I walk off the court after a loss. The results are what they are, but even if the results are not in my favor, was the journey at least worth it with all of the lessons and experiences it came with? I’m still debating on that thought for myself. I’ve always loved the journey more than the result, but some journeys have taken me more than expected.

Episode 6: 71 minutes

“Of all the things I’ve loved. Why have I not loved myself?” – Ki Seon Gyeom

Episode Preview/Summary: Ki Seon Gyoem joins the unemployment force. In the face of this major life change, Ki Seon Gyeom finally has space to breathe and think about how he’s been living his life so far. An opportunity also springs up for him to spend more time with Oh Mi Joo, which leads to them slowly learning each other’s ways. Seo Dan Ah convinces Lee Yeong Hwa to submit his painting to her famous gallery.

On those journeys, we meet new people. People come into our lives for a reason. There must have been a reason why we ran into each other. Weirdly enough, getting into my first-ever relationship did that for me. It taught me how to love myself. It showed me what love is. How much it can hurt and heal us at the same time. How fragile and delicate it can be. It is bittersweet that some of the happiest moments I’ve endured are also some of the ones that have hurt me the most. Saying goodbye to my biological mother after spending a month with her was one of the most difficult moments of my life. How do you say goodbye to someone who was supposed to be part of your life? To someone that should have been there all of my life?

I’ve loved myself from time to time growing up but I rarely made myself a priority. I pushed myself to do better in the aspects of my life that I deemed important but in that process, I ended up being alienated by my Hmong classmates in my graduating class. Whether that is taking more difficult courses or putting in the extra time to make things work. So, even if I was alienated, at least I was somewhat happy. I thought loving yourself was this whole complex thing but it’s actually quite simple. Just gotta love where I am right now in my life, what I am doing, and how I am doing it. I think those are the essentials of being able to love yourself. Even if I have to learn it late, at least I can continue to work on it. It’s like putting together a puzzle, each piece is something new about loving yourself.

Episode 7: 70 minutes

“Why are you outside if you have nowhere to go?” “Because I think it’s time to leave. I wanted to practice.” – Ki Seon Gyeom and Lee Yeong Hwa

Episode Preview/Summary: Oh Mi Joo gets angry at Ki Seon Gyeom when he fails to return home one day from a night out drinking with Lee Yeong Hwa. Ki Seon Gyeom and Oh Mi Joo’s wires are crossed and are now hitting an unexpected snag in their developing relationship. Although it’s clear to anyone how much they care about each other, they’ll need to figure out how to communicate effectively if there’s hope for them to have the kind of rapport they deserve. Lee Yeong Hwa continues to nag Seo Dan Ah for her to visit him.

Usually, I like to plan ahead for what I’m going to do. If it’s something I’m already planning on doing, I try to practice if it is possible. Even if it is something uncomfortable like distancing myself from someone or preparing for a confrontation. But even though we plan ahead for things, the plan doesn’t always work how we want. So instead we resort to being stubborn toward the goal but be flexible on the plan. Which, now that I think about it, sounds like trying to get to the prize on a treasure map.

I didn’t plan to be in my sixth year of college, but here I am. It feels weird seeing my students graduate before me. I’m proud of them for completing their college journey, and I’ll be joining them soon. I was working to fit the expectations and hopes of someone else’s timeline when the most important timeline I should’ve prioritized was my own. I didn’t learn that until my senior year of college.

Dropping out has been on my mind this past year though. I’m so close to completing my degree and yet I feel this sheer weight burnt just shackling me down. I’ve never been one to believe in burnout but I’ve experienced it since the start of my fifth year and it has gotten worse over time. Now, I’m just trying to do my best to make it to the finish line. “If it is hard, you can stop at any time. No one will blame you.” I’ve been told those words before and when I watched Run On, I contemplated whether I should stop or keep running.

Episode 8: 69 minutes

“You feel safe only when you’re part of a group as a kid and as an adult, you live in fear of being ostracized.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: A work opportunity takes Oh Mi Joo out of the city, and the brief time Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom spend apart serves to bring them closer together. Lee Yeong Hwa clears up the misunderstanding between him and Ki Seon Gyeom’s night out to Oh Mi Joo. Seo Dan Ah’s protective walls against Lee Yeong Hwa begin to crumble.

I’ve been told that I have a resting bitch face, which I totally agree that I have. Mixing that in with my baby face creates a weird mixture. I look like a cute boy who doesn’t seem approachable because I just look like I’m miserable. I used to feel insecure about that but now I just embrace it. If someone is going to interact with me, I want them to approach me because of who I am and not what my outside perception is.

People are going to have their perceptions of me and who I am no matter where I go in life. I used to care so much about my reputation, but I stopped worrying about it. I care more about what my character is rather than what they think my reputation is. My character is who I am as opposed to my reputation is how people view me.

I think most people want to be understood and have their thoughts and feelings validated. With everyone being unique and different, we conform in ways to fit in with our environment or upbringing just to be “accepted.” I think people just have to decide for themselves if fitting in at the cost of their individuality is worth more than being independent but retaining their genuine selves. And in the end, was it worth it?

Episode 9: 71 minutes

“Once you see the credits, you’ll realize why you put up with so much. Names of others who were in the same boat will show up as well. You’ll know how exhausting and strenuous it was.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom make some progress with their reconciliation and work hard to get on the same page with each other. As soon as they take one step forward, it seems they always take two steps back. This episode is big on lessons about the power of a single word, and how difficult communication can be, especially when emotions are raw. A big case of intent versus impact. Lee Yeong Hwa becomes impulsive during an argument with Seo Dan Ah and her real nature comes out.

Just like at the end of each semester. It feels short, it is only 16 weeks but in the end, after all of the trials and tribulations, there is just a big sigh of relief that overcomes everyone it seems. You blink once or twice and boom, the beginning of the semester flew by and you’re already in a dead week swamped with assignments, papers, projects, and exams to complete.

It makes me think about the times I’ve said goodbye to good friends. On the night before graduation in my sophomore year and junior year of school, after I turned out the light and went to lie on my bed, I couldn’t sleep. I stayed awake thinking, “Wow… After graduation tomorrow, they’ll be gone. I probably will never see some of them ever again.” They gave me so much joy in my life and the thought of continuing high school without them and their enthusiasm was disheartening to the point where I wept. I was selfish in wanting them to stay, which I don’t have an entitled right to but I felt like with my friends who were seniors and juniors leaving, my journey itself seemed mysteriously lost some of its meaning.

I wonder if graduation from college will feel like that. A college education is important and I’ve been grateful for all the knowledge I’ve learned. I just hope that the end credits of graduation will give me fulfillment. Would it be a waste if I somehow didn’t experience those feelings at the end? I wonder if older people who went through this strenuous journey also had these questions too when they were close to being done.

Episode 10: 71 minutes

“Why are you saying that here? Try it first. If it doesn’t work, you can give up then.” Ki Seon Gyeom

Episode Preview/Summary: Spoilers! Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom are officially together! It only took ten episodes… One couple is doing great and the other one is in shambles. Confessing is never easy, whether it is in relationships or careers, but the main four quartets learn how to muster up the courage to admit their innermost thoughts and fears. Emotions rise as they struggle to understand each other’s feelings, but learning to communicate is necessary if they want to move forward together. Looking to figure out what went wrong, Seo Dan Ah seeks out help from Oh Mi Joo. Lee Yeong Hwa turns to Ki Seon Gyeom to help with paying rent for the next month.

I feel like trying out something first and seeing if we’ll like it very much is brave for people. I’m part of that too. I like new experiences but the thought of the worst-case scenario in the end result of me not liking something scares me as well. But it’s such a good feeling to actually like something after trying it. Or if the end result is not good, hopefully, at least the process of getting there will be good and enjoyable.

The thought and action of starting something but not knowing if it will succeed are daunting. I think some people are too quick to give up without trying first. There’s nothing too bad about trying, maybe just the time (and if there is money involved) that someone won’t get back. But it’ll either “work or not work,” or in some cases, it is either a “yes or no.” And if we’re lucky, it could be a “maybe.” Study abroad in Seoul, South Korea. I felt like that was one of the biggest challenges I endured in college, I legitimately didn’t know if I was going to succeed. The only thing I had was my determination.

Studying abroad in Seoul, South Korea at Yonsei University was surreal in that I couldn’t believe I was actually there living away from home and in a foreign country. It was my goal to study abroad ever since I entered college, that was something I wanted to do as part of my college career. I had friends and people who also wanted to study abroad too but they never followed through with those words. I feel like the difference that separated me from my friends who also had that aspiration is conviction. I didn’t have more wealth or resources compared to my friends and people who were better off. But I had the drive and determination to seek out the things I needed to obtain my dream. I think that is a life component that separates others, seeing if they have the conviction to follow through on their words and actions.

Episode 11: 70 minutes

“I was aware of what I did and didn’t need. If I never had it, I wasn’t greedy. If I still wanted it, I got something similar, even if it was fake. ” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Ki Seon Gyeom becomes Kim Woo Sik’s personal agent and trainer. Ki Seon Gyeom and Oh Mi Joo are exploring their new relationship with all the joy and freedom of two young semi-employed folks. Things aren’t going so smoothly for the second lead, though, as Lee Yeong Hwa tries to keep his distance, and Seo Dan Ah begins to understand why she admires Lee Yeong Hwa.

I say that with full belief in it, but at times, my belief has been challenged and made me reevaluate. Even with my conviction, effort, hope, faith, and support. I will still fall, crash, stumble, cry, and make mistakes because I am clumsy and still have many things to learn. I’ve learned that we can only travel for so long until we need someone to lean on. We’re not supposed to know everything in life.

The feeling of being content. It’s a very frustrating feeling for me personally. On the one hand, you’re happy with where you are in life. Which is great, no extra stress or lingering regrets. But I also have this other perspective about content. If I’m content, does that mean I don’t want to seek improvement anymore? Content means being comfortable. And being comfortable means I start to let my guard down.

I think it’s because I’ve been living in a constant fight or flight state that it is difficult for me to just let things be and finally let my guard down. I still have so much to learn and improve upon, I shouldn’t allow myself to feel content. I feel like if I become content that would become a weakness. But then, when will I ever let myself decide that what I’ve done is enough?

Episode 12: 69 minutes

“Only I can make myself feel better because they are my feelings. How can I make you go through that? That’s abuse.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Spoiler! The second leads finally are official too! It only took twelve episodes… Seo Dan Ah finally gives in to what she really wants but the most difficult thing is whether she’s willing to let herself have it. Lee Yeong Hwa is just overjoyed about this whole situation. The roles are switched, the second leads are now happy but Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom hit the first hurdle in their relationship, will their relationship survive this?

It’s amazing to see what having a healthy mindset can do for a person. When I don’t overthink and just live life and have confidence in myself and my actions. It makes me feel as if I’m on a runner’s high and I can achieve most things I want.

One weakness I had to work on a lot in high school is belief in myself. Funny how sometimes we let other people’s words and opinions dictate how we feel and view ourselves. When the only person who knows you the best is well, yourself. With that said, I think having things in moderation is the best. Listening to ourselves is great as we know how we feel best but the words from someone important give good insight and perspective too in handling life decisions.

Episode 13: 70 minutes

“I sometimes feel like I do not deserve him. When I am with him, I sometimes end up being faced with my flaws. And I lose focus on my work. Love is great but I never want to lose focus on my work no matter what happens. It is kind of like losing myself.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Ki Seon Gyeom and Oh Mi Joo decide to take a break from each other but they miss each other dearly. The problems between them aren’t so easily solved, and life still makes demands when you keep moving forward, even while being hurt. Seo Dan Ah and Lee Yeong Hwa are full of sunshine and laughter as they navigate their brand-new relationship. A birthday party became filled with more surprises than anticipated.

One of those things that I received the best advice for is finding the work that we’re most passionate about. The sense of fulfillment and calmness when a person finds their “purpose” or “spark” that feeling is so precious. No explanations or great debates are needed. Just a sense of comfort knowing this is where you are supposed to be and this is what you’re meant to do. I think it also comes down to loving yourself and defining what that means to you individually.

Episode 14: 71 minutes

“Who do you think will end up living with me forever? No, it’s me. Myself. And in your case, it is you. So, you need to take good care of yourself and fix yourself whenever something breaks.” – Oh Mi Joo

Episode Preview/Summary: Oh Mi Joo gets the perfect script to help her muddle through what life throws at her. Ki Seon Gyeom struggles to keep his father out of his work. Seo Dan Ah struggles with accumulating stress that not even a sweet seaside date in Lee Yeong Hwa’s hometown can soothe.

It is an easy concept to understand, and yet some people don’t figure it out until later in life. The most time we’ll spend in life is with ourselves, so it’s better to find ways to love who we are. It will make life a bit more bearable. The waves won’t wash us away, the earthquakes won’t tear us down, and the winds won’t hinder us. I’m less harsh on myself now when I make mistakes. If I were to use the words I say to myself when I make mistakes with my friends, I would probably never have friends ever again. If I know that to be true then I shouldn’t use those words on myself too. Treating myself better now, that’s the bottom line.

Episode 15: 65 minutes

“You can stay where you are. I’m going to keep some distance so that I can always see you. If I’m too far, I can’t see you. If I’m too close, you’ll block my field of vision.” – Lee Yeong Hwa

Episode Preview/Summary: Love is in the air, but a dark cloud lingers above the main quartet, it seems like family problems are rearing their ugly heads. The leads have learned to stop running away and instead step toward what they want. Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom help out Ki Seon Gyeom’s older sister Ki Eun Bi. Seo Dan Ah let go of Lee Yeong Hwa.

In treating myself better, it is necessary for me to not get tunnel vision in life. It’s fun to want something difficult to obtain, it makes life more enjoyable. Life wouldn’t be fun if everything was easy to obtain and effortless. So even if the treasure map and the puzzle take longer to complete, I know it will be worth it in the end. Because I made it into something important to me.

Episode 16: 70 minutes

“They say we all have a jewelry box we want to keep to ourselves. What’s in it doesn’t always have to be jewelry though. It can be sea glass you found at the beach, a shell, or it can be a button from someone’s school uniform. Anything that can be a memory. Something that serves as a sparkling memory that I keep in a jewelry box only I can open. It’s a way of saving the precious moment you might never get to experience again.” – Bartender

Episode Preview/Summary: The end has arrived, and Run On decides what a happy ending looks like for the two couples and all of their friends and family. Oh Mi Joo and Ki Seon Gyeom now speak the same language. Seo Dan Ah and Lee Yeong Hwa agree on the status of their relationship and both achieve their goals.

I understand that everybody has a different type of struggle that they must go through and that’s reasonable. I too, like many others, believe that their own struggle was unique and different. It is the people and lessons through those experiences that make those hardships worth it. We find who we can trust, and who cares about us, and we learn from it. Coming to college has done that for me. As much as I love the things I’ve learned, it is the people that I have met that both made my experience great and at times, horrible. I’m happy to say that my jewelry box is filled to the brim, it’s like an extra-large suitcase just overflowing. I think one big idea I came away with after watching Run On is that even after all the hardships and trials they have endured, they keep on running.

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

July 21, 2023 0

How Do You Know When You’re In Love?

Author’s Note: Hello! This piece was for a writing assignment for my ENGL 327W – Creative Non-Fiction course. Specifically for this assignment, we had to write it in the format of a reportage. I decided to write about love and how someone knows when they’ve experienced love. There is definitely room to improve on visualization and making the reader feel rather than me telling. Still, I hope you will be able to enjoy this piece and in a way resonate with it.

6 Minutes Read

How do you know when you’re in love? Being the recipient and the gifter of that question, it doesn’t feel comfortable in either situation. As the recipient, you have the burden of bestowing new knowledge to that person, but how do you know that what you experienced was love? And as the gifter, you ask a question that is so broad and profound that finding the starting line to begin answering the question is quite difficult. “Like, what type of love do you mean?” This is usually the first question I get back from people to clarify my question. But for the longest time growing up, I didn’t understand why there is a difference in love. How different can other loves be from each other? The love that interests me most is romantic love. The type of love that transcends space and time…(well, maybe not like that as it’s probably going overboard with it), the type of love that butterflies flock to and that is falsified with Disney Princesses and Prince Charming. Other loves just didn’t appeal to me, not yet anyways.

“When are you getting married?” The first time my grandma Zoua asked me that question was when I was 14 years old, that first conversation was filled with tears from my eyes and tears in my injured heart. Over time with calmer dialogue and cooler heads (more on my part), that question became less of a burden to answer. I learned that she wanted me to get married young so she could see and hold my kids… her great-grandchildren. I already had older cousins that had fulfilled that for her, but she would not be satisfied until she saw and held mine. That is what happens when you’re the favorite, dark hidden burdens are bestowed upon us and we carry them without knowing. Only when revealed to us do we know how heavy those burdens are. I knew I was going to disappoint her as what I wanted didn’t align with her aspirations for me. We were stuck on an impasse, me wanting kids that are interracial, and her wanting kids fully Hmong.

Grandma Zoua has that old-school mindset of being conservative and hates change. She was always distrustful of the land and home she migrated to, the United States of America provided her and her lineage with opportunities for a better life. However, she could never fully trust it, which included people outside of the Hmong culture. She had preconceived prejudices already made about non-Hmong people. Can you imagine her rage and shock when her favorite grandchild said he wanted interracial kids? Fast-forward two years later, I was naive and rebellious while Grandma Zoua was weak and brittle. However, she always had plenty of energy stored away to ask me that question. “When are you getting married?” I know how this ends already, we would go back and forth (politely) until reaching the impasse where emotions were high and logic was really low. Her stubbornness would make stains on clothes seem like child’s work. If you were going to convince her of her view, you had better be able to make the sun and the moon join together as evidence. We indeed reached the impasse, but this time Grandma Zoua’s eyes had other plans.

Luckily, the sun and moon were with us in that cramped living room that day. She asked, “How do you know when you’re in love?” which took me completely by surprise as she’s never asked me that question before. Seeing how I was having difficulty answering the question she decided to answer it for me. “You’ll know when you’re in love when you want the other person to be happy. There are many types of love out there in the world. Love for yourself, love for significant other, love for family… it takes many shapes and forms.” She would go on and say how she’s fine with me having interracial children in the future ending with a phrase that I have kept since then. “As long as you’re happy and you both love each other, I’ll be happy too.” I couldn’t tell if she truly believed what she said or if she said that to make me feel better.

Love is never that simple though as I’ve learned through first-hand experience and talking with various people. Because love does many things when people are in that state. It’s as if the person in love becomes intoxicated and addicted to the person they’re with. If these two people in love were to be separated, it would cause relapse and withdrawal. Emotions are sky-high, and logic in a way goes out the window accompanied by their inhibitions. This leads to the people in love planning for the future. Maybe it’s the old-fashion vision of the white picket fence on a little hill with children running around that comes to mind when people are in love. Love is a feeling but chemically, brain activity increases for these individuals, and this could vary based on how long someone has been in love.

There is no right or wrong answer to the question. It’s a mix of personal experience and science at work. It’s different for everyone and everyone could have a different answer for a particular love. Some people enter the world of love and find out how ruthless it can be. Love is a game to some people and for those who are willing to participate in the game, they won’t be the same once they’ve exited the stage. The true answer might never be found but we have small truths that can help us understand this a little more. So, how would you answer it? How do you know when you’re in love?

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

July 21, 2023 0

3 Life Lessons From My 3 Favorite Animes

Author’s Note: Hello! This piece was for a writing assignment for my ENGL 327W – Creative Non-Fiction course. Specifically for this assignment, we had to write it in the format of a personal essay. I decided to write about how much anime has influenced my life. There is definitely room to improve on visualization and making the reader feel rather than me telling. Still, I hope you will be able to enjoy this piece and in a way resonate with it.

8 Minutes Read

Anime. It is a specific type of Japanese film and television animation aimed at adults and children. The genres and variety are very large and expansive. Anime has been around for a long time now since the 20th century and has now accumulated an international following. I first got into anime by accident as I watched cartoons growing up on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Pokemon, Yugioh, and Dragon Ball Z were the first introductory animes I watched as a youth. People watch anime for various reasons, for the suspenseful storytelling, for the crisp and clean artwork, and/or the iconic music (Seriously, some of the music that is composed is top tier). All I cared about when I was younger was just the cool action scenes and didn’t bat an eye at the plot, stories, or lessons that accompanied the anime. It wasn’t until I got into my first year of Junior High School that I began to pay closer attention to the animes I watched, that was when the fun began.

One thing that surprised me over time in watching different animes is the life lessons that are taught to the viewers. I know now that the animes I watched greatly influenced my way of thinking as the lessons I learned from those shows I applied to my life. Not all animes are created equal as some are better than each other so following the ones that are popular isn’t always the best choice (Also, keep in mind that this is 100% subjective so if you end up disliking my three favorite animes, that is totally fine as well). With that said in no particular order, my three favorite animes are Mobile Suit Gundam 00, Haikyuu, and Violet Evergarden. And here are three life lessons I learned from my three favorite animes. Let’s start off with Mobile Suit Gundam 00 and a quick back story.

Released on October 6th, 2007, and ended with its second season on March 29th, 2009. Gundam 00 is set on a futuristic Earth in the year 2307 AD. Due to the depletion of fossil fuels, humanity was in search of a new source of power. Three superpower nations fighting each other for control of new energy sources would lead to the formation of a group called Celestial Being, a paramilitary organization whose goal is the eradication of conflict and war with unique and technologically advanced mobile suits known as “Gundams.” (Think of it as a Transformer that has a human pilot in the middle of their body in a cockpit). The Gundam series is notoriously known for its giant robots piloted by adolescents and young adults fighting each other in wars and conflicts they get dragged into. Warfare is a huge theme and Gundam 00 is no exception to the trope in this series.

The lesson I learned from Gundam 00 is that war rarely is caused by irreconcilable disagreements among people. It mostly involves the people in high positions with power that abuse it for their own gain. Humans are not known to be rational creatures as people will end up going to war for the pettiest reasons. This leads to the regular people that suffer the most due to wars and conflicts as collateral damage. The moral lines of good and bad are extremely thin and narrow because depending on the perspective you’re viewing from, one action can be seen as both right and wrong. The world is very cruel, and the level of cruelty is sometimes hell on Earth (It made me aware that everyone is fighting their own personal war too, even those who are lactose intolerant sitting on the toilet). I am naturally a pretty positive person but due to the unfortunate circumstance of growing up in a toxic dysfunctional family, I knew early on how cruel the world can be. That is why I related intensely to the lessons in Gundam 00 because I was fucked over by the world as collateral damage too. It was an anime that helped validate the feelings I had and that was what I needed most in my life.

Moving on to a less violent and depressing anime, we have Haikyuu, which is a comedic coming-of-age anime about volleyball. Debuted on April 6th, 2014, Haikyuu follows rivals Hinata and Kageyama’s first year of volleyball together at Karasuno High School. Hinata is short and lacks volleyball experience but has incredible athletic reflexes while Kageyama is a born genius on the court with complete command of the sport. The anime is currently still in production gearing towards its final arcs and seasons (Which I’m very conflicted on as I hope I don’t get disappointed like season eight of Game of Thrones).

The year that Haikyuu debuted was also the same year I had just got done in my first season of playing volleyball for Chico High School. Haikyuu fed my volleyball cravings so well that I dreamt that I was on the court with the Karasuno team. One lesson I learned from watching Haikyuu is that being weak means that there is room to grow. I am a highly competitive person, I just don’t have the skills nor am I good enough sometimes to back it up. Losing would make me feel frustrated because I hated how it felt (It was also because we got our asses kicked for the majority of the volleyball season in my Freshman year). I just had a negative perspective on failure because there was no room for me to fail. I held onto that for many aspects of my life in my adolescent years, failure was not an option and that was how I survived. It wasn’t until I watched Haikyuu that my mindset and perspective changed. I began to enjoy the journey more than the result. I truly embraced what it meant to be a learner, learning both the positive and the negative. I enjoyed my classes more, my growth in volleyball was accelerated, and I became happier, even if it was for a brief time. And finding happiness in life can be quite difficult.

Just ask Violet Evergarden. The title is both the name of the anime and the main protagonist that first aired from January 11th, 2018 to April 5th, 2018, and concluded its story with a film in 2020. Working as an Auto Memory Doll, someone who writes for others as the majority of the people in this time period is illiterate, the story follows Violet’s journey to reintegration into society after spending the majority of her young life as a soldier (She’s 14 when she begins working as an Auto Memory Doll). Her reasoning for becoming an Auto Memory Doll is to understand the words “I love you,” the last words said to her by her mentor and guardian, Major Gilbert. Getting to know how the story of Violet Evergarden ended in 2020 was one of the few highs of that year.

2018 was the year I began to explore my creative writing and watching Violet Evergarden while that was happening made the experience even more fun and exhilarating. One life lesson I learned from Violet Evergarden is that reflection is important to truly progress. Whether it is about the journey that was taken or coming to terms with our decisions in the past. In one way or another, our past and our present are connected (A few decisions from the past always decide to come and stab us in the back just when we’re not expecting it). The only thing that changes about the past is how we feel about it in the present. One outlet for figuring out those emotions and having intentional reflection is through writing. Reflecting is difficult for me as an adolescent as I tend to not want to remember my early years as they weren’t colorful like skittle rainbows but more like piano keys, black and white. Being able to come to terms with a reflection in asking the important questions of why and how can help with the healing process.

War is hell and the world is cruel, failure does not simply mean weakness because it also means room for growth and improvement, and reflection is key for true progress. Those are a few lessons I learned from watching anime over the years. I’m sure I’ll learn more in the future as new animes are always in the works. Anime is great and more people should give it a try (I also recommend these three animes I mentioned if you’re ever bored or want to try something new).

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

July 21, 2023 0

If You See Me

Author’s Note: Hello! This piece was for a writing assignment for my ENGL 327W – Creative Non-Fiction course. Specifically for this assignment, we had to write it in the format of a memoir. I don’t remember why I wrote about this topic but it turned out well. There is definitely room to improve on visualization and making the reader feel rather than me telling. Still, I hope you will be able to enjoy this piece and in a way resonate with it.

5 Minutes Read

I don’t remember when was the last time I smiled genuinely. I do smile because it is an innate human emotion, but the emotion that I project may not always be the happiness that accompanies my smile. A genuine smile that can illuminate the room with positivity. Now, it’s like sometimes I smile but I don’t feel happy and I would ask myself why sometimes. I was once told “You smile and laugh loudly but your eyes tell me a different story. It must’ve been difficult for you to have practiced so much to smile like that.” It shocked me that someone was able to see through how easily they saw through my mask. This mask I’ve worked hard to craft to hide away my emotions from the world. The more interesting question is why did I develop this mask? Maybe I can blame this on all the depression I’ve experienced in my life. Or maybe it’s still that idea I concentrated on when I was younger. “I’m not allowed to be happy. I don’t have much to smile about in my life.” Maybe it’s because of that way of thinking, my smile always felt off.

Remember how I said, “I don’t remember when was the last time I smiled genuinely?” I lied because I do remember. The Year of the Pig, 2019, was the year I smiled more than I ever did in my life. Manting in 2019 still looked the same as now but his ambition would intimidate others. If you could not keep up with him, you would be left behind in the dust. And yet people didn’t know how difficult it was for him because he was constantly living in winter since his Junior year of high school. Until one day, the long cold winter that had nothing but rainstorms cleared up, and the water lilies began to blossom for me. My friends in 2019 said something to me that surprised me. “Dude, I’ve never seen you smile like that before. Like the way you’re smiling is like someone who is experiencing pure happiness for the first time in their life.” I was quite sad when they told me that. Because if that is how they’re seeing me, then what was I like before experiencing this smile? Was all of the happiness I experienced prior to 2019 just fabrications? My friends were right but it’s been three years since 2019 and now I don’t want to remember it. Weird how that works right? The happiest moments of my life were in 2019 and now I don’t want anything to do with it.

The water lilies withered away and the rainstorm returned, this time with lightning and thunder. The sound of the thunder felt like nature was taunting me for even having the audacity to believe that the water lilies would stay permanent. Because that smile in 2019 is a reminder of my weakness, failure, and imperfections. It’s ironic really how the course of my life has developed. So many misfortunes have been bestowed upon me and yet, I continue to be resilient, clawing my way toward the light at the end of the tunnel only to emerge into another tunnel that is even darker. “Maybe if I live long enough, there is something good that might happen?” Or maybe I should be more grateful for what I have in my life and just smile? I was a lot more optimistic in 2019 than I am currently, and I miss that part of me.

I remember being asked “Why not include your failures too? They are also part of your journey towards success.” And that simple question gave me hope, which is not a feeling I quite like because having hope is dangerous. It is cruel to have hope only for it to be destroyed by the expectations you set upon others. But if I was able to smile like that for the wrong one, I know the smile I have for the right one will overcome everything. I won’t worry about my weakness, failures, and imperfections and let them hinder me as much anymore. If I’m perfect without any flaws, then what else can I work towards or strive to be? I’ve been hiding all of that pain with a smile. I know that I shouldn’t be doing that anymore but I’m slowly tearing that down to smile correctly. Instead, I’ll just make sure to feel everything for what it is. So, if you see me smile in the future, know that the water lilies are revived and the rainstorm has passed.

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

July 21, 2023 0

Pretty Cute

Author’s Note: In the Hmong culture, the action of dating another person with the same last name as your own is considered taboo. It is considered taboo because it is viewed as you dating your brother or sister, even if you have no blood relations. For example, take my last name, Xiong. I can not date another Xiong. Even if we she lives in Minnesota and we have no blood relations, we cannot date each other. Growing up you would be told this by the Hmong elders, your parents, older siblings, and cousins. Basically, anyone who was old enough to date. You might wonder, okay, that does not seem like too big of a deal right? Well, imagine liking someone and always having the thought “Please, please, do not have the same last name as me.”

For those of you who do not know, the Hmong New Year is an annual celebration that takes place in the fall to honor the ancestors and give thanks for the completion of the year’s harvest. Over three days certain rituals are performed to honor the spirits of ancestors and to provide for the health and safety of the current family in the New Year. Many people use this as an opportunity to court and find love with other people at Hmong New Year. So, where am I going with all this? Remember when I said Hmong people cannot date others with the same last name? I got separated from my parents at Hmong New Year and I met a Hmong girl and this is where my piece begins. This piece tells a story and is also a message to her. And I apologize beforehand for the cheesiness in my piece and I hope you are able to relate to this one way or another.

9 Minutes Read

Sometimes when I take an exam, time works so unexpectedly. It would often feel slow at first but then quickly and suddenly comes to an end. I interacted with her like how I approached my exams. Having all these different feelings inside of me when I took a test; terrified, nervous, and timid but still optimistic and confident at the same time. Whenever I got anxious looking at her, I wanted to look around to see what others are doing to get a clue of what to do. However, I stopped myself because I did not want to take my eyes off this beautiful woman. If I’m going to fail this test, at least I will fail by my own terms and actions, instead of relying on what others are doing. Just like some exams, I answered slowly to some questions and I quickly blurted out answers to some questions before you even finished asking me. I would feel like a complete fool and a pure genius all at the same time. And like some exams, I would forget to put down my name. This time, it was your name, I had forgotten it that time.

Specifically, your last name.

“Shoot your shot, what’s the worse that can happen?” So with my weak game form, I shot mine.
Me: “Hey, you are pretty.”
Her: “Why are you lying?”
Me: “I am serious. And I’m cute. Together, we would be pretty cute.”
Her: “Oh really?”
Me: “Yes, really. Did that not work?”
Her: “It was okay.”
Me: “Can I try again?”
Her: “Sure.”
Me: “You are pretty.”
Her: “Uh-huh.”
Me: “And I am ugly. Together, we would be pretty ugly.”

Throughout the rest of the day, those were our names. Pretty and… well, you didn’t want to call me ugly the whole day so we settled on cutie. And together, we were pretty cute, both in name and physically together. On that cold winter day with your contagious smile, you reached out your hand toward mine, inviting me to grab it. Our hands intertwined and my cheeks became red like on a hot summer’s day. Like riding a roller coaster, we hung onto each other on this short blissful ride. But unlike a roller coaster, we both did not know if we would end up back to where we started. Have you ever been so happy, it made you cry? I was laughing and crying, both at the same time when I was with you. The nervous rapid heartbeats I felt in my chest with that shortness of breath feeling. Simply put, I was on a runner’s high. And as we began our adventure together. I thought to myself

“The more fun we had. The more it will hurt when we part ways.”

We spent the day together with a $20 dollar bill between us. Back then, $20 was enough for delicious foods, refreshing drinks, fun games, cheap movies, senseless toys, and coins for arcades, and then… well, that was when we ran out of money. Feeding each other food, learning about our differences and things we had in common, and endlessly teasing each other. Sweet memories we had together that made me wish it would never end. But I was young and naïve about that thought. Little did I know that this was going to be the first moment of feeling impermanence.

I reunited with my parents somewhere and told them I will be safe. I never introduced her to my parents nor did they know what I was doing. Toward the end of the day, before we both parted ways. I finally remembered to ask for your last name. And as that sharp word of “Xiong” impaled my ears towards my heart. My feeling of being on cloud nine crashed straight down and landed past bedrock. I ran away and did not give you an explanation, all I could say was… “I’m sorry.” I could not explain what and how I was feeling back then.

Now, I can express it in a way that is comprehensible “The happiness and jubilation resulting from the proud and joyful recognition of one’s superiority, however, is frequently surpassed by the unintended sorrow, torture, and dejection that emerges from the humiliating awareness of one’s inferiority.” It wasn’t that I was inferior to you, but I wish I wasn’t Hmong or was a Xiong when that happened. Goodbyes are bitter and ‘I love you carried a distant scent. These incomparable feelings are terrifying but are also terribly precious. It was bitter and I used to be able to taste you in my liquor.

After a while, I couldn’t tell if the bitterness was from the alcohol or you.

I learned a chilling fear that day, however, I hid it well not wanting to show it to you. The greatest fear I learned that day is when I can’t see you. I do not question the time we spent together. Nor do I question the love you showed me. I only question my fate and whether my actions were correct or not. I think this is something I will continue to think about from time to time throughout my life. And then maybe one day, I won’t think about it anymore. I hope that day does come soon. You probably don’t even remember me.

The same emptiness came back to me when I found out you got married. I thought I had moved past these feelings. I did what I have always done. Suppress these feelings and lock them away so that they never see the light of day. But then, why do I have this feeling of emptiness again? I have come to the conclusion that some people are able to move on. And for others like me, even though time has passed and we have aged. A tiny part of us never moves on. It sits outside with the hidden feelings accompanied by the what-ifs and the hypotheticals. But I also know that one day that will leave too. I have already told myself this so many times already…

I have to let you go. This time, I must let you go…

People come into our lives for a reason. They teach us something and then if they are meant to stay, they will. Or perhaps they are meant to move on and teach something to someone else. Maybe, one day we will meet again and explain to each other what really happened. Maybe one day we will finally understand. And whenever I reminisce back to the past about us, I will learn to do better from the negatives and smile at the pretty cute positive moments we had. You taught me a lot and I thank you for that time even if the result was not what I wanted. This exam was so difficult that I never knew if I passed or failed. But regardless of the result, I’m just happy and grateful that I was given the opportunity to take it.

I’m happy you were able to find love. I hope that they will treat you well. It takes resilience to hold on forever waiting for that person. However, I believe the stronger and braver people are the ones that are able to let go and move on. It doesn’t mean they don’t care or love that previous person anymore. It is knowing your worth and respecting the other person’s choice. Respecting their wishes and wanting that person to be happy. Even, if you are not the one giving them that happiness. I wish I could hold on forever but that is not fair to myself, that is not fair to the beautiful woman I will one day marry.

Some people come into our lives as part of our history but some people won’t be around when the final chapter is written.

Until then, thank you for showing me what love is. How much it can hurt and heal us at the same time. How fragile and delicate it can be. I hope that you will live a peaceful life filled with that infectious smile of yours. And if I am lucky, maybe I will be able to see it again one day, may it be this lifetime or another. I will still love you, even when I may not know what that means anymore… but also remember that you had me.

The End

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

April 25, 2020 0

Virulent Mourning Foundation

Author’s Note: My first new piece of 2020. Half of this is about me. And the other half is about… well, I’ll let you decide that. Some people may think I’m so well put together. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve come a long way considering where I started. I’m strong due to those experiences. I guess the show of strength has masked my flaws for too long. Don’t get it twisted, I have confidence in myself. Things I used to think about and things I am still thinking about. I want to solve and bring to a conclusion on a couple of these things in 2020.

6 Minutes Read

Where Should I Go?

To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?

Within the Hmong community, mental health was always viewed as “pointless thoughts.” When brought up by the Hmong elders and they would often be confronted by “What is there to be sad about?” Reminding us how grateful we should be to live in America. Compared to our Hmong counterparts living in Laos or Thailand, we are considerably better off. So, “Be grateful for what you have here and discard those nonsense thoughts.” But still, those negative thoughts persisted and lingered like weeds. Rooting itself into my mind knowing full well, it will never go away.

Where Should I Go?

To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?

You look happy but you don’t feel happy. That’s what depression does to you. It is, sad how some people aren’t waiting for their happy ending anymore, instead, they’re just waiting for the end. Smiling is the best way to face any problems. To crush every fear and to hide every pain as if they never affected you in the first place. You look but do you see? You hear but are you listening? You exist but are you living? When did I begin to have these negative thoughts? It’s not like I want to be depressed and have these negative thoughts. I want to be happy. And yet, why is my mind consumed with negative thoughts?

Where Should I Go?

To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?

Depression is like living in a body that fights to survive with a mind wanting to die. Either win the war or die trying. The war you’re fighting alone because you understand no one can help you. Remembering something that no one else can is a painful thing. You can’t talk to anyone about it. No one will understand you. Other people are dealing with their struggles too, why should I tell them about mine? There is no point in increasing their worries too. My trauma is mine to bear alone. I will not allow someone else to bear it for me.

What do you know about a small bowl of plain white rice seasoned with salty tears? What do you know about cold sleepless nights from the voice of the devil evenings? They tell me to visit him before it’s too late. Yet they don’t know about how I feel and my inferno hate. I have words that will make the devil cry. My rage is immense and I hope I will never have to use it. Asking me to forgive because it’s the right thing to do. Well, you best be able to move both heaven and earth with the sun and moon. I will gladly forgive and ask for forgiveness then. Pretty impossible right? I will never forgive him. “You’ve gone through so much.” Endured, persevered, survived, witnessed… yet, they don’t ask you how your mental health is. I’m strong, so people rarely ask if I’m ever “okay.” Trust me, I’m trying to fix my foundation but it isn’t easy when the pieces that used to fit don’t connect anymore.

I’m trying to complete a puzzle without knowing what the end product is supposed to look like. These puzzle pieces are mine but I don’t recognize them anymore. I can tell there are pieces missing from this puzzle too. They’ve been destroyed and fabricated countless times I don’t even remember what they originally look like. Tell me why you’re always acting okay and fine all the time? I know the tears that come out every night reignites the agonizing pain and fears still rooted in your mind. Like oil added onto a dying flame. You kept putting it off, saying you’re fine because you’ve come far. But we both know your hand is getting weaker and weaker. Are you resting? Your body getting slimmer and slimmer. Are you eating? Your light and fire, getting dimmer and dimmer…

“I won’t be the shield that will protect you from danger. I will instead be the ol so sharp hidden dagger you’ll reveal during your time of need and danger. I will be the silent shadow to your blinding light. The light is always accompanied by shadows. And the shadow will emerge and sacrifice itself so the light continues to shine. You will call upon me in your time of need.”

“You choose to be hurt rather than to hurt others, right? You fall and love easily. However, the more you’re hurting yourself, you’re actually hurting other people too. I’m not after your empathy, instead, I empathize with you. I know that feeling so well like it is the back of my hand. It is most terrible you are like this. Imprisoned by your past, powerless to live in the present… incapable to trust in the future. It’s better to be hurt than to hurt others. Nice people can be happy with just that.” “Is that still the case after all these years?”

Where Should I Go?

To the left where nothing is right? Or to the right where nothing is left?

I’ll choose to go straight. I’ll carve out a new path for myself. Every traumatic event and encounter I’ve experienced will test and chip away at the foundation I’ve built. I don’t think this depressive feeling will ever go away. I think it will become more manageable as I continue with life. I’ll find other reasons to keep living and rebuild my foundation. I’ll keep living with the belief that the happiness I will experience in the future will make this worth it. Good things don’t always happen to good people. Life doesn’t work like that but I can continue to hope for myself. I can hope that I’ll find love. I’ll find happiness. I’ll find the thing that will sustain me.

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

January 7, 2020 0

My Confession

Author’s Note: Hello. This is an extremely personal piece. This is my confession to the world about my sins and the many regrets and mistakes I have within me. I hope that in some way people can resonate with this piece.

6 Minutes Read

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying those words as if I truly understand what they mean. I’m sorry are just words to comfort the regrets and mistakes that are going to occur or those that have already occurred. I don’t know what more to say. And I truly mean these words, I’m sorry. I have disappointed you. I have done things I’m not proud of. Things that have gone against my morals and the things I view as good and the right thing to do in the world.

I’m not a perfect person. It won’t change anything. I can repeat those words as much as I want but it won’t change anything. I’m not the perfect man. I don’t have a perfect heart, nor a perfect mind. But I’m working tirelessly and diligently to get to that unattainable “perfection.” Even with effort, hope, faith, and support. I will fall, crash, stumble, cry, and make mistakes because I am clumsy and I still have many things to learn.

I’m not a perfect person. But after each mistake and regret, no matter how broken and battered I am. I do better to understand and acknowledge my regrets and mistakes. So in the future, I won’t repeat those same tragedies. I don’t deserve a second chance, nor do I deserve forgiveness. All I can ask for is for you to believe in me and believe in my work ethic for me to do better. For me to hear better. For me to see better. For me to say better. For me to be better.

I’m not a perfect person. I used to believe that I can go through life without regrets and mistakes. Live life and whatever happens, happens. But that is impossible for me. I regretted many things and I also made many mistakes I wish I can take back. So instead, I lived life navigating as carefully as I could to reduce the regrets and mistakes I will eventually face. And growing up, I noticed adults, like toddlers make mistakes too. Adults at your age still made mistakes too. No one is safe from it.

I’m not a perfect person. I have regrets and mistakes too. I’ve lied to myself, friends, families, supporters, etc. Not trying to justify anything. Just simply explaining why. I’ve lied to save people’s faces, to save their feelings, to save themselves, to save myself, and more importantly, to hurt myself. Growing up, I’ve noticed I tend to push people away from me. Whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional. Some are good because I learned I understood the people I want to be with and the people I need in my life.

I’m not a perfect person. I pushed good people away from me because for a very long time and still now, I am depressed. I believed I am a person who will and is destined to end up alone. So even when good people and good things come my way. I subconsciously mark it down as something for me to push away. Because I don’t see myself worthy of receiving that goodness in my life.

I’m not a perfect person. No doctor has checked me and told me I have a condition of depression. Because I’ve never had that examined. But it’s not something I believe you need to be diagnosed with. It’s something you feel within yourself and an innate feeling. I would say ever since the beginning of my freshmen year of high school until now. I’ve been depressed.

I’m not a perfect person. “Why be depressed?” This is what I often ask myself. “Be grateful for the small things you have in life.” Still, that depression lingered around me. Because constantly, throughout my life, I’m reminded of why I’m depressed. Whenever one good thing happens to me. At least two bad things accompany it. The negatives have outweighed the positives in my life.

I’m not a perfect person. Growing up in a divorced household where the word ‘individuals’ fit better than ‘family.’ I matured quicker than my peers. I saw the world from the lens of someone who was in flight or fight mode for 12+ hours of the day. The only times it turned off were during school and activities that distracted my mind. “Is this my last meal? When will I get to eat again? Will we lose this house? When can I be happy again? When can I stop having these terrible thoughts?” These and countless other questions attack relentlessly on my mind.

I’m not a perfect person. I lied to hurt myself. By making people see something bad in me in order for them to have a valid reason to distance themselves from me. I’ve noticed this behavior of mine. And I’ve worked hard to change it. It’s happened less and less as I grew older. But still, it appears that I continue to lose people who I want to keep in my life. And I hate it so much…

Nobody in this world is perfect. No one can go through life without making regrets and mistakes. I am the same. I will not use that excuse for you to forgive me. I will continue to make mistakes and I might repeat the same mistakes I have done. Instead, I ask for you to see my work ethic and see how much effort I’ve devoted to correcting my regrets and mistakes. I’m working hard to be better. To be a better man. A better friend. A better brother. A better role model. A better mentor. A better person.

And with my time away from Chico and with the time I’m in South Korea. I will use that time to better myself. Time away from everything and the things that haunt me in this town. I know the time away from here will heal most of me. But there will still be things here that can only be healed by certain people. I will return and do better.

For those that have hurt me, I forgive you. I don’t blame you for hurting me. I would rather die. If I die by you. I will face you with a smile on my face. “It’s okay because it’s not your fault for this. You just didn’t know any better.” I’ll leave with the hope that my death might help you to someday understand and learn something to help you progress in your life.

For those that I’ve hurt, forgive me. No amount of I’m sorry will ever atone for what I did. Even without you knowing. I’m picking up each piece little by little. To amend my regrets and the mistakes I’ve done and future mistakes. I promise to learn and grow. I promise to do better.

And for those that have supported me and haven’t given up on me, I thank you. I thank you for the kind words you’ve spoken to me. I thank you for the love you’ve shown me. I thank you for the belief you’ve bestowed upon me. I will never be a perfect person but I will become a better person.

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

August 8, 2019 2

Tub Xeeb Ntxwv, Manting

Author’s Note: Nyob Zoo! Thank you for clicking on this piece. The idea of writing this piece came from a community called Hmong Legacy. Hmong Legacy supports Hmong students by creating a sense of community and empowerment. This allows students with a great opportunity of creating a connection with Hmong students and personal growth. Hmong Legacy has been around CSU, Chico since the Spring Semester of 2018. And ever since then, it’s grown and expanded.

The first time I wrote about this topic was about my mom(s). I’ve already written a piece about ‘Family’ from one of the Hmong Legacy workshops. I didn’t want to revisit this topic because of repetition. But I came back to the topic of family because my grandma passed away this past March. And ever since then, I haven’t really thought about my grandma and her existence. More because I was running away from my feelings and not wanting to think about it. I spilled all the tears I wanted to before and after her death.

While writing this piece, it was difficult remembering all the things my grandma had once told me when I was younger. It made me wish that I would’ve been more patient as a child and as a teenager to sit more with her and listen to her. Ideally, I wanted to use more Hmong words within this piece but my end rhymes in English were better, so I went with that option instead. For the most part, the Hmong parts should be translated into English already. Around eight or nine people told me that I made them cry after the event was done. It really made me thankful and happy that many others are able to relate and feel connected to my relationship with my grandma. To My Grandma, Zoua Lor

5 Minutes Read

You will experience the tragic loss of a loved one in your lifetime. There’s no other way to get around it; everyone dies for various reasons, some are reckless and they die young, or they grow old and slowly fade away. A loved one could be someone who inspired you, it could be a role model, your best friend, a family member, basically, anyone that is important to you. We all know that sooner or later the time will come for all of us to leave. My grandma, unfortunately, passed away this past March.

My grandma took care of me when no one else did. She would often get asked, “Those aren’t your kids so why are you taking care of them?” The phrase I always hear my grandma say is “I raise them because I love their eyes.” (Lawv tsis yog koj yug, vim li cas koj hlub. Kuv hlub lawv ob lub qhov muag, kuv thiaj li hlub law.) I had a different relationship with my grandma than anyone else. I was her favorite. The favorite out of both her children and grandchildren. No, I didn’t ask or do anything special for my grandma to become her favorite. It just naturally happened, and I’m the person I am today, because of her.

Me nyuam ntsuag. The literal translation of this from Hmong to English means, a child without parents. It is a derogatory term used to degrade people in the Hmong community who don’t have parents. My parents divorced when I was six months old. My father won brother and I’s custody in court. I don’t necessarily fit all the criteria to be placed into that category, of being a me nyuam ntsuag. But growing up, I felt like one. And the only person that held me down, was my grandma.

Grandma, I remember the words you would tell me when I used to feel down. “It took me 3 years to make your body and heart strong. Don’t let someone else destroy it when I’m gone.” Even when you would lecture me, I knew you were doing it for my benefit. You said to me. “Luag tias kom paub tab, txhob ua neeg poob qab los lawv yeej tos ntsoov thaum yus yuav poob.” The translation is; “They say to grow up and not be a failure. But they’re already wishing for your downfall.” And now when I think about you, all I remember is the various things you would lecture me about. You would always start off with.

“My grandson Manting
Always be kind and humble, and don’t let others stumble.
Don’t eat too many chips, make sure to wipe your lips.
Find a wife, who will brighten up your life.
It’s okay to cry, instead of faking a smile and lie.
Smile more, because you’re naturally a happy person deep down to your core.
Even if you’re far away, just know you’ve done enough in your day.
Love yourself, feeling lost but never doubt yourself.
You deserve to be happy, and one day your kids will call you daddy.
Don’t be sad if you can’t call me on your phone, just know you’re never alone.
Because you’re still in my heart, even when we’re far apart.”

There are many more things you’ve taught me. But it’ll be too long to name them all. I know I said all the things I wanted to tell you before you left already. But in case you’re wondering how I am, here it is.

“Nyob zoo kuv grandma.
Now you aren’t suffering anymore, are you smiling more?
Rain or shine your foolish grandson, is doing fine.
I’m thinking too much nowadays because I’ll be going far away.
I’ve gotten really busy, but compared to you, my life is easy.
I’m trying to eat all three meals, but don’t worry your cooking is always the real deal.
I think I’ve found the one, and no, she doesn’t use Korean wons.
But I can’t have her for it’s not our fate, because I was too late.
As hard as it may be, please be patient with me.
I know I said goodbye then, but I know I will see you again.
I’ll continue to slowly work for my future. In the end, I’ll win. Because I’m your grandson Manting.”
(Kuv mam li maj mam khwv rau kuv lub neej, Thaum kawg, kuv mam li yog tu yeej. Vim kuv yog koj tub tub xeeb ntxwv, Manting.)

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

May 10, 2019 0

Letter From Your Sister

Author’s Note: Hello everyone! I hope you’re doing well. Sorry about this first part, it’s a long explanation and filler about what you’re going to read. This story touches on things such as; people’s inner thoughts, the things we think about when we’re alone when people are depressed, the feeling of loneliness, people’s unspoken thoughts, and the desires people want in life and the desires they can’t have.

I gained the idea of writing this from a community called Hmong Legacy. Hmong Legacy supports Hmong students by creating a sense of community and empowerment. This allows students with a great opportunity to create a connection with Hmong students and personal growth. Hmong Legacy has been around CSU, Chico since the Spring Semester of 2018. And ever since then, it’s grown and expanded.

There was a topic that came up both times during the Spring 2018 and Fall 2019 semesters. That topic was about ‘Family.’ And if you’ve read my other stories or writings, you know that my interpretation of the ‘word’ family is very… difficult for me to describe. I’m somewhere in between, a family doesn’t matter, and indifferent about family. I’m not going to go into detail about what I mean but just know that I can do it with or without family. Basically, it’s not a necessity to me like maybe other people who value the word, family.

Can we agree that dreams are weird sometimes? Not like dreams and aspirations of wanting to become something in the future. But like dreams when people go to sleep. Weird might not be the best description of what I’m trying to say. But hopefully, you get what I mean. Like maybe one night you dream you’re a school teacher and then the next night you dream of flying across the sky on a rocket to Mars… No one? Just me? Okay…

Anyways, dreams are cool but weird at the same time. I’m not going into the scientific side of dreams and all that stuff because I’m not an expert in that field. I’m going to stop here with a brief context of why I’m writing this. And if you do finish reading this story, then you’ll see the rest of my explanation at the end. So, sit back, relax, and I hope some parts of this story can connect or resonate with you.

19 Minutes Read

I woke up one day… and it just felt surreal. Like I didn’t dread waking up. No, it wasn’t the weekend, although I do love Saturdays. It’s like one of those days where you wake up and you feel alive. Like you feel happy to be alive. Feeling like today is going to be the best day of your life due to an event, special occasion, etc. I lay in bed breathing in the crisp morning air that sneaks in through my slightly opened window.

I look down at the blanket that is embracing my body. A huge smile appears on my face. It’s just not any old blanket. It’s my green baby blanket. My baby blanket has one cartoonish-looking brown bear imprinted on the blanket. There’s a little bear who looks like a baby cub. The baby bear is gripping a string attached to three balloons. Each balloon has a different color. The left one is yellow, the middle is blue, and the right one is pink. There are also flowers surrounding the bears. The old vibrant green is now faded and light. It’s the single longest possession I have in my life.

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The sounds of music softly enter the room. I couldn’t really hear what the music was or who the artist was. It was probably a kpop song or some smooth R&B. I sat up from lying down still wondering why I was so happy. I looked to my right and on the small black nightstand, there was a small note lying on top. Curious about what could be on the note, I reached over to grab the letter. The bed let out a small creak when I shifted my body weight to grab the note. I yawned and stretched my arms and legs before I read the note. “There’s some breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. I’m really excited, it’s finally the big day! Teela is helping me so don’t worry. See you later today!”

I was puzzled while reading the note. Who’s the person who wrote this letter? And who is Teela? I walked out of the bedroom towards the bathroom. It was connected to the bedroom. I turned on the light and saw the cardinal-colored toothbrush next to my white toothbrush. The cardinal toothbrush probably belongs to one of them. I washed my face and I stood there looking at my reflection in the mirror. And again I was uncontrollably smiling. Is it because of the person who wrote the note? I walked out of my bedroom and towards the kitchen. The smell of yummy food guided me. I sat down and ate away at my breakfast. I thought to myself that this food is really good. Whoever the person is, they can cook. After finishing my meal, I placed the dishes in the sink and went back to my room.

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I opened my closet and I immediately noticed a fine white suit with my name tag stuck on it. Before I was able to do anything else, I heard a knock from the front door. I quickly went to greet the guest who visited me. I opened the door and a flash of light overtook me. When I regained consciousness, I was in my white suit at a really large venue. I was shaking hands with the various people who were entering the venue. They kept saying congratulations to me and handing me gifts.

I had no idea why they were being so kind and generous to me. My friends, colleagues, mentors, teachers, professors, uncles, cousins, and everyone of importance to me was here. It wasn’t until the fifth or sixth guest asked me “Where’s your soon-to-be wife at?” My mind went blank for a couple of seconds and I had a light bulb moment. In my head, I was internally screaming. “This is my wedding!!!” It all started making sense now. There are still some things I’m confused about but this answered many questions I previously had.

After greeting and thanking everyone for attending my wedding. I finally had time to myself to rest and reflect on this moment in my life. I wandered around for a bit to find a quiet and serene place. I didn’t realize the venue was so big. Somehow, I ended up on the rooftop. I noticed my mind has been really forgetful lately. Maybe it’s because of all the things that are happening today.

A slight breeze coming in from the east calms my mind. I stare off toward the nearby cherry blossoms on the ground. I began to think about my life. I thought about the many ‘wants’ I always wished for growing up. Marriage is one of those wants. And now I’m close to obtaining it. But there are many other things I still wanted. I might sound too greedy for wanting this… but growing up. I always wished I had a sister.

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I had an older brother and that was alright I guess. I wanted a sister in general, but specifically a younger sister possibly. Someone who would look up to me as their role model. But then… I think of my life and I suddenly don’t wish for a sister. I don’t want a blood sister in this lifetime. I don’t want her to experience the hardships I experienced in this cruel world. All those hungry nights? No. All those emotionally abusive nights? No. All that pain and suffering? No. She can’t… Not that I don’t believe my sister is strong. I believe she will have the strongest willpower between my sibling and me.

I want her to save her tears for something or someone that she’ll actually love and care about. I believe that my sister would be beautiful both inside and outside. I mean, if I’m cute already. Then, my sister is going to be beautiful. But I’ll probably be too scared for her. Just knowing how twisted and evil some men are, I would be too afraid of her well-being. She’ll be the best version of both my brother and I. Even with all of that, I do still wish for a sister, just not in this lifetime.

I wiped away the tears gathering around my eyes. I took a deep breath and I went back into the venue. I got lost on where I was going and I ended up at a place where I was not supposed to. I ended up in front of the bride’s room. There was a label on top of the door to signify it. In the Hmong culture, you can see the bride before the wedding. But in American culture, it’s deemed bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony. My curiosity got the better of me so I stepped close to the door with the intent of opening it to see my wife. Before I made contact with the doorknob, I heard an angry woman’s voice saying something to me. I turned around to see a girl around the same height as me running up to me.

She ran up and gave me a pretty good jab onto the side of my stomach. “You know you’re not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony.” said the woman. “Ouch, that really hurts. Wait, hold on. What? And who are you?” I said confusedly while in pain. “Are you okay? I didn’t hit you that hard. Or I guess I did and that made you forget your own sister?” the stranger said cheerfully. “Yeah, it hurts… Wait. Did you just say, sister?” I asked slowly. “Yeah, I’m your sister. Come on bro. Why are you acting so weird? I know I look great in this dress but you should see my sister-in-law. She’s gorgeous!” said my sister. I can’t tell if she’s lying or not but with the way she’s talking to me, I’ll just assume that she’s telling the truth.

She’s around my height, so like around 5’5 or 5’6. A natural color mixture of brown and black hair. Defined jawline. Cute smile. Small lips. Honey brown eyes. Regularly sized forehead. Her hands are a bit bigger than mine. Those are the physical features I’m able to remember anyway. She’s wearing a beautiful blue dress with white accents. But, I’m still thinking about the jab she hit me with so I could be totally wrong in all of them. “So, why can’t I see my wife again?” I asked innocently. “It’s an American wedding, but it’s also a Hmong wedding. So, I guess it doesn’t matter. But if it helps you two to see each other before the ceremony. By all means, go for it.” said my sister.

“I want to give you this before it is too late because you’ll be too busy dancing and talking to all your wonderful guests.” said my sister. She took out an envelope and a small tissue package. Before she gave me the items, she pulled me in for a warm long hug. “I’m so proud of you big bro. You can either read it now after I leave or read it once everything has calmed down. I made sure to pack some tissues for you because I know you cry easily.” my sister teasingly said to me.

My sister handed me the envelope and tissues. I watched her walk away cheerfully and once I couldn’t see her anymore. I opened the envelope to find a letter. I took the letter out of the envelope and I noticed it was actually a couple of pages long.

To: Manting Xiong

From: Teela Xiong

“Hi, big bro! It’s your younger sister, Teela!

I know you adore handwritten letters so I made sure to write one for you. First of all, congratulations! You’re getting married! I’m so proud of you. Although you’ll probably hear that very often today and tonight. I wanted you to know how proud I am of you. I know he doesn’t say it at all but I want you to know big big bro is proud of you too. He can be very difficult at times but that’s a part of family. They should tell you how they feel but they’re too shy sometimes. I’m sure your biological Mom is very proud of you. I remember what you told me when you asked Mom what she thought of my sister-in-law.

Mom didn’t approve of it. It’s okay though because you have me and all of these wonderful people who came to your wedding! And you are the one that has to be happy. She’ll come around eventually, I know it for sure. My sister-in-law has a way of bringing people together. So, don’t be sad if she’s not here today. And I know you don’t want to talk about Dad but he tried, we all know that… He just didn’t try hard enough. Good people make mistakes, that doesn’t make them bad people.

It just means they’re human. But some people make more mistakes than others. And in the process, many people are hurt deeply. And many others, they’re still healing from it. You have such a big heart but that means you need the most time to heal too. Also with grandma… She loved you the most. You know you were the favorite. She took care of us when we weren’t even her own. She always loved your eyes. She’s proud of you too big bro. Remember when she would always ask you “When are you getting married?” And you were sixteen at that time! She was very eager to see your grandchildren. Don’t be sad about her not being here. She’s watching from far above. She’s in a better place now. Although, I do wish my sister-in-law could’ve met her in person. Grandma would’ve praised her for how beautiful she was.

Whether you know it or not, you’re an inspiration to me, big bro! Because in you, I see an amazing, awesome, brave, charismatic, compassionate, courageous, dedicated, gentle, great, hardworking, hopeful, humorous, incredible, intelligent, kind, mindful, motivated, passionate, resilient, strong, understanding, and vulnerable person. All these things make you a leader. Continue to cultivate these things because they will bring you success and take you far. You have such high potential and a bright future. You give and bring hope to others and you are a role model to many. But I also wonder if you’re really fine… Is it really worth it in the end even after all those painful sufferings you experienced?

I know how you feel. You’ve been through too much. Remember to take a deep slow breath. Letting the air into you until both sides of your heart feel senseless. Until it hurts you a little. Then, slowly let out all the breath you have. Keep letting it out until you feel like there’s nothing left inside you. Running out of breath is fine. No one will blame you. It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes because no one is perfect and anyone can make mistakes. Even adults make mistakes when they’re old and when they are our age. There’s a first time for everything.

It’s alright, we just need to go through it and grow, go ahead and cry. I remember seeing you cry for the first time. To be honest I was taken aback to see my big brother cry in front of me. I realized only then how difficult it must’ve been for you. You did your best to protect me. Let it all out, screw what others think to see you cry. I know crying brings you comfort because you’ve endured it all for too long. I already know you had a day that’s hard enough. Letting out even a small tear brings you comfort. Just let it out like that big bro…

Feeling better? Good, I’m happy that helped. But now you’ve found the one! You gotta let me in on the secret though! How in the heck did you get her to pick you?! You outdid yourself with this one big bro, I’m joking! I didn’t know you liked this type of woman?! Okay fine, I’ll stop teasing you now. Oh yeah, how did you propose to her? Was it something cliche? Or was it romantic? You gotta tell me these things after. I asked my sister-in-law but she said she’ll share it after the wedding. Just tell me the tea, please.

I’m grateful she chose you. I told you, that waiting all this time would pay off. Now I won’t have to worry too much about you. She’ll take care of you now. She’ll hold you at night when you’re alone. She’ll make you delicious food. She’ll be the one to care for my nieces and nephews. She’ll love you like you deserve to be loved. She’ll care for you when you’re sick. When you feel tired from a long day, she’ll be there to comfort you. When you fall down, she’ll be there to pick you back up. I know you’ll do all these things for her too big bro.

She’ll have these privileges and opportunities that I won’t have. I won’t be able to do those things for you anymore big bro. We both know I don’t have much time left anyway. Congratulations again on your marriage big bro. I will forever be grateful to have a big brother like you Ting. A big brother who continued to believe in the good of the world even when the world gave you every reason not to. I’ll try to come to visit you two soon. You’re doing enough. You’re doing just fine. I know you and you’re trying your best right now. That’s all you need. Just keep your pace. You did a great job today, you worked so hard. You are my prize. Bye, big bro…

I finished reading the letter. It’s a good thing Teela gave me these tissues. She really is my sister. Not a lot of people know I cry easily. A part of me wants to run to my sister and give her a hug. I hesitated on going after her. At that moment, the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard called out my name. Asking me to enter the room. I had forgotten, I came here to see my wife. As I opened the door. Another flash of light overtook me. That was when I woke up from my dream.

The End

Hello everyone! And with that comes the end of my story; Letter From Your Sister. I want to say thank you to you the readers who have taken the time to read this story. I hope you were able to enjoy it. I apologize if I made you cry. For the most part, I had dreamt I was getting married. I never met my wife in my dream. I was only able to greet the people who were at my wedding. So, everything else I added to create this story. Growing up I never had a good definition of what family is. To me, a family was just another word for people or friends that were closer to you in terms of relationship and connection.

It didn’t mean anything else to me. I thought that way due to my experience of growing up in my ‘family’ which wasn’t really a family. It was just a group of individuals surviving life that so happened to live together. More often than not, my friends became my family more than the real family I lived with. You know when the shit hits the fan and your family is supposed to hold you down right? I never had that growing up. I held myself down because I was the only person I could faithfully rely on. So, I often see family as something that doesn’t have to be blood-related.

Other people can become your family too. Now I have people who aren’t even related to me that I call family. In the future, I hope I can redefine that word for myself so I can cultivate and nurture a family. This will probably be my last writing and story for a while. The semester is starting to get really busy. Plus, I’m also working on other things on the side. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone stays safe, stays healthy, and I hope this year treats you well. Bye!

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.

March 12, 2019 2