My fifth and final performance for Hmong Legacy. I had originally wanted to go with a piece that encapsulated my time and experience in Hmong Legacy. But that was not what I learned in Hmong Legacy. In Hmong Legacy, we continue to push ourselves and confront some of our deepest fears and traumas. So, with that, I wrote a whole new piece the night before the performance.
I thought I had finished writing about the topic of family as I wrote about my mom, my stepmom, and my mot grandma. There are two topics I’ve avoided writing about for the longest time because they are the two that caused me the most damage and pain. They are my older brother and my father. So, for my last piece, I decided to write about my older brother.
Hmong Legacy has been such an amazing experience throughout my undergraduate career. It allowed me to have a space where I can go to and just be Hmong. Somewhere I didn’t feel like I was fighting to just simply exist on campus. I truly hope Hmong Legacy will continue because it does wonders for our Hmong community at Chico State. Thank you to Raquel Lee and the Cross-Cultural Leadership Center for keeping Hmong Legacy going.
7 minutes and 30 seconds
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My fourth performance for Hmong Legacy’s Reading event. It had been a very long time since my last spoken word performance so I was pretty nervous about this one. The background of this piece is talking about the fragile masculinity I’ve witnessed in the Hmong community. I had the opportunity to attend APAHE earlier that year and I listened to a workshop presented by Vince Moua. They talked about the struggles of being a Hmong professional at higher education institutions and having to be one or one of the few AAPI individuals fighting for our Hmong youths.
I sent this email to Vince after the conference because of how impactful his workshop was to me. “Thank you again for such a strong and powerful workshop you presented here at APAHE. I feel so privileged and honored to have attended and gotten to meet you and hear about your story. I resonated so much with many of the things you mentioned, especially the part about going to higher education and getting that exposure and then going back home and people who you used to go to school with, your own community, outcasts you. I hear you, and I see you and the pain that comes with that experience because I have gone through that too.”
On the right side here, you’ll see a few of Vince’s slides that I was able to capture.
The other media that I incorporated into this piece was from Joyner Lucas’ song called Things I’ve Seen. It is such a powerful song and raw in how he points to the struggles that Black women face and encounter. I wanted to incorporate that and switch to something that is more geared toward Hmong women. Also, I apologize for my usage of Hmong, I got too emotional during my piece and I was not able to correctly pronounce some of the Hmong words I had written down.
We even had a reporter from our university’s independent news source in attendance to capture the thoughts and feelings of the performers. You can read it here! Am I Hmong enough? Students search for identity in diaspora. Thank you Melvin Bui for coming out and reporting on this! Also, special thanks to Selena and the Cross-Cultural Leadership Center for keeping Hmong Legacy alive!
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IMPORTANT: Skip the video to 21:05 because that is when I begin my performance. My third performance in Hmong Legacy. Before I go any further, I do have to warn you that the audio for the video DOES NOT WORK. Sadly, there was an audio issue so a good portion of the performance was not broadcasted. However, I still uploaded the piece and you can read it here! Tub Xeeb Ntxwv Manting
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IMPORTANT: Skip the video to 40:19 because that is when I begin my performance. My second performance in Hmong Legacy. Compared to my first performance, I was more confident and strong with my piece and the components within my piece; the message and intent. “Represent Represent” will always have a special place in my heart as it was the piece that made me discover my love for performing spoken word. I learned so much during Fall 2018 and this piece really shows my growth not only in me but the growth that I continue to seek in the future as well.
Represent Represent was made during a time that I felt resembled where I was in my life. I incorporated media that I consumed at the time into my pieces whenever I write them. So, if something feels familiar, it probably is. I can’t fully 100% claim that this is original but it is still something I want to share because this piece was everything to me when I first made it.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
My first-ever performance in Hmong Legacy. I was so nervous and I just fumbled my words throughout this performance but little did I know that Hmong Legacy was going to have such a strong and impactful influence on my life not only in finding my identity as a Hmong – American male but also as a creative writer.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Nyob Zoo! Thank you for clicking on this piece. The idea of writing this piece came from a community called Hmong Legacy. Hmong Legacy supports Hmong students by creating a sense of community and empowerment. This allows students with a great opportunity of creating a connection with Hmong students and personal growth. Hmong Legacy has been around CSU, Chico since the Spring Semester of 2018. And ever since then, it’s grown and expanded.
The first time I wrote about this topic was about my mom(s). I’ve already written a piece about ‘Family’ from one of the Hmong Legacy workshops. I didn’t want to revisit this topic because of repetition. But I came back to the topic of family because my grandma passed away this past March. And ever since then, I haven’t really thought about my grandma and her existence. More because I was running away from my feelings and not wanting to think about it. I spilled all the tears I wanted to before and after her death.
While writing this piece, it was difficult remembering all the things my grandma had once told me when I was younger. It made me wish that I would’ve been more patient as a child and as a teenager to sit more with her and listen to her. Ideally, I wanted to use more Hmong words within this piece but my end rhymes in English were better, so I went with that option instead. For the most part, the Hmong parts should be translated into English already. Around eight or nine people told me that I made them cry after the event was done. It really made me thankful and happy that many others are able to relate and feel connected to my relationship with my grandma. To My Grandma, Zoua Lor
5 Minutes Read
You will experience the tragic loss of a loved one in your lifetime. There’s no other way to get around it; everyone dies for various reasons, some are reckless and they die young, or they grow old and slowly fade away. A loved one could be someone who inspired you, it could be a role model, your best friend, a family member, basically, anyone that is important to you. We all know that sooner or later the time will come for all of us to leave. My grandma, unfortunately, passed away this past March.
My grandma took care of me when no one else did. She would often get asked, “Those aren’t your kids so why are you taking care of them?” The phrase I always hear my grandma say is “I raise them because I love their eyes.” (Lawv tsis yog koj yug, vim li cas koj hlub. Kuv hlub lawv ob lub qhov muag, kuv thiaj li hlub law.) I had a different relationship with my grandma than anyone else. I was her favorite. The favorite out of both her children and grandchildren. No, I didn’t ask or do anything special for my grandma to become her favorite. It just naturally happened, and I’m the person I am today, because of her.
Me nyuam ntsuag. The literal translation of this from Hmong to English means, a child without parents. It is a derogatory term used to degrade people in the Hmong community who don’t have parents. My parents divorced when I was six months old. My father won brother and I’s custody in court. I don’t necessarily fit all the criteria to be placed into that category, of being a me nyuam ntsuag. But growing up, I felt like one. And the only person that held me down, was my grandma.
Grandma, I remember the words you would tell me when I used to feel down. “It took me 3 years to make your body and heart strong. Don’t let someone else destroy it when I’m gone.” Even when you would lecture me, I knew you were doing it for my benefit. You said to me. “Luag tias kom paub tab, txhob ua neeg poob qab los lawv yeej tos ntsoov thaum yus yuav poob.” The translation is; “They say to grow up and not be a failure. But they’re already wishing for your downfall.” And now when I think about you, all I remember is the various things you would lecture me about. You would always start off with.
“My grandson Manting Always be kind and humble, and don’t let others stumble. Don’t eat too many chips, make sure to wipe your lips. Find a wife, who will brighten up your life. It’s okay to cry, instead of faking a smile and lie. Smile more, because you’re naturally a happy person deep down to your core. Even if you’re far away, just know you’ve done enough in your day. Love yourself, feeling lost but never doubt yourself. You deserve to be happy, and one day your kids will call you daddy. Don’t be sad if you can’t call me on your phone, just know you’re never alone. Because you’re still in my heart, even when we’re far apart.”
There are many more things you’ve taught me. But it’ll be too long to name them all. I know I said all the things I wanted to tell you before you left already. But in case you’re wondering how I am, here it is.
“Nyob zoo kuv grandma. Now you aren’t suffering anymore, are you smiling more? Rain or shine your foolish grandson, is doing fine. I’m thinking too much nowadays because I’ll be going far away. I’ve gotten really busy, but compared to you, my life is easy. I’m trying to eat all three meals, but don’t worry your cooking is always the real deal. I think I’ve found the one, and no, she doesn’t use Korean wons. But I can’t have her for it’s not our fate, because I was too late. As hard as it may be, please be patient with me. I know I said goodbye then, but I know I will see you again. I’ll continue to slowly work for my future. In the end, I’ll win. Because I’m your grandson Manting.” (Kuv mam li maj mam khwv rau kuv lub neej, Thaum kawg, kuv mam li yog tu yeej. Vim kuv yog koj tub tub xeeb ntxwv, Manting.)
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Author’s Note: Hi, this is a written piece that I performed at my college’s event called ‘Stories From The Heart’. My inspirations for this piece are by BTS’ member Suga’s song called ‘First Love’ and the Korean Drama ‘Uncontrollably Fond’. I left some of Suga’s lyrics in this piece and I changed the parts to fit it into what I wanted my piece to portray. In the last section of this piece, I got from ‘Uncontrollably Fond’. This is not an original piece by any means. This is a piece that I combined together to share about how I viewed my Mom and Stepmom. I hope you enjoy this!
First Love by Suga
4 Minutes Read
I know someone who… was brave. Someone who was kind and gentle as water. Someone who was soft and light like the morning sun ray. Someone who was warm and loving like a hug. Someone who was amazing and unbelievable like a miracle. Someone who dreamed and inspired like those stars far above. Someone who was unselfish and generous. Someone who was caring and motherly.
This person reminds me… of regret. She reminds me of pain that is unerasable. She reminds me of sacrifice and silent lies. She reminds me of hatred and despair. She reminds me of hopelessness and loneliness. She reminds me of cruelty and endless tears. She reminds me of the freezing cold. She reminds me of the embarrassing heat. She reminds me of the quiet nights.
I remember those moments when she was so much taller than me. That woman who wasn’t privileged enough to guide me. When I had caressed her with my small baby fingers. I naturally thought to myself, “I feel so nice Mom I feel so nice.” Without you as my hope, I was led astray. I grabbed onto hope wherever I could find it. But, I didn’t know that back then. Because I was happy and content with just looking at you.
I remember back during my younger days. When I would get asked, “Do you miss her?” It didn’t matter which answer I gave. They were both wrong. I neglected you now when I once yearned for you so much. Your image has been neglected. No matter where I am. You always gave me strength. But I didn’t know that it would be for the last time.
I remember back in my storming teen days when I met you for the first time when I was 16. That moment when I saw you. Immediately, I knew who you were. The awkwardness before we embraced was only for a moment. Without repulsion or hesitation… you accepted me. We laughed and we cried for all of those 16 years apart. Those days with you, those moments are now in distant memories.
I said to myself “I really can’t do this anymore.” and every time I wanted to give up. I imagined those words you might have said to me. “Don’t worry, you can really do it.” I remember back then when I was fed up and lost. Back then when I fell into the bottomless forlorn pit. Even when I pushed you away, even when I resented meeting you. Something inside me told me to forgive and forget you. Because you were my First Love.
In my infant’s voice, I was screaming “Don’t leave like this!” Your eyes gazed back at me, I imagine they told me. “Even if I leave. You’ll do well on your own. I remember when I first met you. You were so small and fragile then. Before I knew it, you grew up taller than me. This will be the end of our relationship. Don’t ever feel sorry for me. And don’t feel sorry for yourself.”
“My doors will always be open for you, so please come by whenever you miss me. On the days that rains or snows, or when a butterfly flies by me, I’ll think that you have dropped by. The day when you were born and the day you die, I will continue to be there. No matter what form or whenever I will get to meet you again. I promise to treat better then. I will make up for all the time we were apart. Your mother will care for you then. We will greet each other happily.”
The End
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