Author’s Note: This is a portfolio that I had to submit for my last assignment for my ENGL 420W – Advanced Poetry Writing class at CSU, Chico during my Spring 2023 semester. Below, you will find four poems and one letter to my younger self. For this submission, we had to use a photo or painting that we took/made to represent our title and the works we’ve produced this semester. But WordPress won’t let me publish it without a title so I decided to title it Moving On. You’ll notice that three of the pieces are ones that I’ve actually made before. I wanted to go back and revisit them and see if I can give them new life or a different perspective to what I originally created. Right below this author’s note is a photo of me because that is the photo I chose for my title. If you are reading this on your phone, please turn it sideways to landscape for the correct format! I hope you enjoy these!

12 Minutes Read

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I Believe In You

Little Boy, sharpen yourself for the harsh realities of this world.
Your fevered ears became deaf from the toxicity.
Bitten bloodied tongue kept the fake peace, you are tired of mourning in the mornings.
Feel the blood drip down in your throat. Let it fuel you. It will allow you to survive.

Little Hmong boy, understand that respect is earned, not given.
Are you ready to fight? Fleeing, will not be an option.
I do not know when you will stop. It will be a neverending fight.
Against your culture, your language, your pride, your community, your essence.
Be patient with pog. She loves you, her favorite grandchild. Survive for her.
“I couldn’t, so you will.” Carry on her legacy, all the pain and pride.

Teen boy, mature quickly and leave behind Disney and friends.
You will lose many friends, kids can’t come along.
This will be a lonely journey of never being enough for yourself.
Remember we have reasons for our secrets. The truth will hurt more than the lies.
Down the 40oz, and sleep. Another nightmare day is on the horizon.

Teen Hmong boy, always on the grind. Troubled thoughts cloud your mind.
Sing out your tears. Your eyes will sing the saddest melodies.
The hidden voices get louder like an evil symphony.
You’ve thought about ending this melody many times.
“You’ve done well, I won’t blame you, if you decide to give up. It’s okay. I mean it.”

Young man, can you forgive yourself? Can you do that? Is it not too much?
I wish you would. It is the most difficult emotion. Forgive, that is you, that is us.
It has always been too tough, it’s hard to open up.
People will constantly leave your life, and that is okay.
But just because it is okay, I know it will always hurt you the most.

Young Hmong man, being the only Asian student in your class.
This education is a privilege, please do not waste the sacrifices from the Secret War.
Our community is too immature, too violent, to ever love and care for one another.
These OGs don’t care about the youths’ opinions and logic.
I beg you to not turn your back on your community. Save them.
They need you, desperately, more than you need them.

To you, keep moving forward day by day, and do not be trapped by your liquored past.
Your shattered heart is made of red glass. Break down those glass panes.
They could never walk your daggered path.
“Move on, it’s not like we’ve always had what we wanted. We will find a way to survive.”
It hurts because it feels good to be needed but not at the expense of losing yourself.

To you now,
Going to graduate from high school.
Attending college as a first-generation student.
Going to study abroad in a different country.
Going to live out their dream and change the world.
Shine and glow, even more, they will be amazed at your growth rate.
Don’t shy away from making mistakes.
“Adversity will make you strong and it will lead you to the top.”

I was and still am that young Hmong man. I am never going
Back to the bottom. I had
Every reason to give up. Yet, here I am.
Let the past and the future be your driving force.
I want to give you a hug and tell you
Everything is going to be okay. Please
Value the good and the bad. Go ahead and cry, please, let it all out,
Every tear for the ones you impacted, and the ones that impacted you.
I understand how you feel and don’t apologize for the way you feel.
Never give up, always find the light within.
Your feelings are valid. Trust yourself and don’t hold back.
Onwards and blaze a trail into the
Universe. “Please know, I believe in you.”

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Represent Re-present!

* Crowd claps four times in succession

And this is what I rep!

I represent the silent ones! I represent the ones that never won! They expect me to fail.
But nah, I ain’t like that. I’m tough as nails, smooth like ale, and cold as hail.

They try to color my future like the Mekong while tryna make me forget about the napalms.
I sprouted from those metal shells, toxic gel couldn’t keep me in hell.

I always wanted more cuz I never had enough. My haters talk big but I know they’re all bluffs.
Imma be on my grind like I suppose. Checking off my goals like playing bingo.

Some say I’ve changed, a better question is “Why are you still the same?” I know that’s insane,
you hate me, but you know me. Cuz I don’t know you, but you know my name.

Focus on me like a final boss cuz I’m too strong, call it Nuoc Mam sauce.
You can never contain me, down to the letter I’m a bad B.

Bring on the hate. I embrace the friction. Cuz it only grows the flame.
I thank you for the attention, this fire is innate, something you can’t obtain.

Energy immaculate, going up, mastered it. I am more than what you imagined,
My work ethic make’em wheeze like an asthmatic, I accept it all, the dubs and the Ls.

Listen to those bells. My name still rings. This is Manting. I will remain king.
Yeah, it ain’t special. Simply, Just Doin Ma Ting, and I hope you do the same.

It won’t be long. Til I’m at the top. Cuz I’m never gonna stop. They’ll have no choice but to clap.
They’ll hail at me like a taxi cab. Cuz in the end, I’ve put Hmong on the map!

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Let Me As You

Let me as you talk, sit next to you like kids at a playground whispering secrets we don’t want the adults 
to hear. “I have a crush on you.” That was the secret you told me. You were my best friend’s crush. 
I did not want to hurt him or hurt you. Will I lose him or you? 
Or, will I lose you both? 
 
Let me as you walk, place the umbrella over your head to shield you from the rain. 
If you get sick, that brings me pain. I’m too nice and that is something I can’t change. 
Please, don’t take this the wrong way.  
How can this pathetic me ever be enough for you? 
 
Let me as you weep, step away. I can’t be the one to comfort you. I must not be. 
Your tears carry the emotions only those who have died inside can express. 
I hate to see you like this. And I hate how powerless I am to make you feel better. 
If I just accept my feelings for you too, will this pain be easier? 
 
I went back and hugged you in hopes that it would help stop your tears. 
But I see that Nelson is already hugging you. 
Did I make a mistake in coming back? 
You move out from Nelson’s embrace and turn to me. 
 
You asked me, 
     “Why are you doing this to me?! You rejected me and I accepted that. But now, you are giving 
     me hope. Please, stop. That is more cruel than any rejection you could’ve said. 
     All I’m asking for is your honesty. Do you have feelings for me too? 
     Or is that also too much to ask, Exia?” 
I guess, in the end, I will be losing you both. 

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Changed

“Realization of how much we have changed over the years is scary.
We’ve learned, we’ve caved, we’ve grown, and we’ve failed.” Yet,
how do you measure how much you have changed? One step? Two
steps? One breath? Two breaths? One death? Two deaths? What more
can I do? What more can I show? This power, it is delicious… Oh my,
have I become a villain? Ahh, is this what it means to be empowered?
No longer empty! No longer embarrassed! No longer desired! No longer
sired! Brothers, do you see how much I have changed? Are you not proud?
I became what you couldn’t! I became the one who could! Is it not scary? I
am more than you could ever imagine! This potential is all possible because
I drank the potion. The potion of “fuck it.” Fuck your opinions, fuck my
limit, fuck your distractions… haha, would you like a sip of this potion too?
Chug it down, all the way to the very last drop. And when you see your
reflection in the bottle, you’ll see how much you’ve changed.

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Letter to a Poet – Manting Xiong

Dear Manting Xiong,

I read your poems “I Believe In You”, “Represent Represent”, “Let Me As You”, and “Changed” for my class for the final portfolio project. I want to start off by saying thank you for writing and sharing these pieces of poetry with the world. I’ve actually read all of your previous works and I really enjoyed the pieces you’ve written this semester for Jeanne’s Advanced Poetry course at Chico State. I know your WordPress audience will look forward to you sharing this with your writing collection.

I first want to talk to you about your cover photo. You chose a photo of yourself which I thought was pretty conceited of you but the more I thought about it, it does make sense why you chose that to represent your work for this semester. You’re smiling, and that is not a normal sight for anyone to see. I think it shows the happiness you’re finding in yourself after completing college. But also, that smile hides a lot of pain and anxiety that you’ve endured this semester. That goes for everything this semester, including the work you produced for this course. You’re proud, and you weren’t afraid to show it this semester by taking up space and putting out the work that you found most interesting. It’s not much, but you did what you could. I think that will always be enough even if you yourself don’t feel like it was.

The materials you read this semester were interesting. It dove into many deep, dark, and uncomfortable topics. But they were still enjoyable to read because you had no idea what each piece was going to talk about. It was a bit difficult to read at times due to the heavy topics but when you were able to revisit each piece, it gave you new insight on how you felt about certain things. I think that was important for you and the writing you were producing. So, I think Jeanne deserves to know how grateful you are to have had her as your professor now for the fourth time and just have read great works and pieces by new authors you’ve never heard before.

Much of the feedback you received from your classmates seems to indicate how noticeable your lyricism is. Which seems to have been your strong suit and element present in most of your poems. I think if you’re able to try different things while centering it around your lyricism, your poems can really take off. Looking forward to seeing how your writing will grow and expand in the coming years.

Congratulations! You’re finally graduating! It has been a very very long six years here at Chico State. There were many points that you struggled in and it made you question if a college degree was really worth it. But I’m sure that as you reflect on your college journey, you realize how much you’ve grown. It was difficult to see that you were growing during the struggle. But now that it is over, I hope you can move forward with the parts of your life that you postponed because of college.

Thank you!

Sincerely,
Manting Xiong

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Sadly, WordPress has format restrictions on what it can do so the end product on here will look somewhat different from how I intentionally wanted it to be. So if there are some parts that don’t quite look in the right place, I apologize for that.

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.