Author’s Note: Hi there! This is my last post for 2024. Before the year ends, I wanted to share another piece because a lot has happened since summer. Not all of my writing is about this year; it’s a mix of my reflections on past events and how they connect to now. This is the only poem I’ve written since Gentle Hazel Crush, which was released last year. After the poem, I’ll explain my thoughts and what each part might mean. I enjoy writing that has a clear message but still allows for different interpretations. That’s what I aimed for in this poem. It draws inspiration from four different pieces of media: three songs and one Korean drama. The songs are “My Story” by Oxynova, “Pursuing The Happiness by LeeSSang“, and “The Spring Hunger by Homies“. The drama is called Twinkling Watermelon. I’ve mixed elements from these works with my own creativity to create the poem below. I hope you’ll take your time to read this piece. Each line has been methodically placed so that it builds as you read.

2 Minutes Read

---

Tied to dreams since I started crawling.
Ghosts of grief have taken hold.
The dying flames told me that
we must live righteously… live well,
even while scraping dirt for fragmented faith.

Poverty is my greatest fear.
The embers extinguished,
the thunder nears…
How long can I suppress this hunger?

Struggle deals. Struggled evils. Poisoned wells.
Hollow secrets. Hollowed perfection. Empty shells.
Yeah, starting then, I had to be fuckin’ crazy,
the kind of madness only survival understood.

When you didn’t live anymore,
what dreams could you have then?
What lies and laughter can conceal
that trauma? Happiness…
Is it strange that I still feel this way?

And yet…

Even if everything I do seems pathetic,
even if everything burns away,
even if the world is against me.
I promised myself,
no matter what, I will be successful.
I believe I will, there is no choice.

And if this shit ain’t my calling
then you know it’s my vendetta.
If I succeed, you’ll love it.
But if I fail… I become more obsessed.

Because I’m a million man
I'm the type to make a million men
to go and make a million plans
so we can advance
for one chance to make amends.

Happiness is a dream,
so all the broken things will put on a smile.
Happiness was the dream,
so that one day, everything can shine.

---

I’m being honest: I don’t think anyone will read this part. I’d be very surprised if anyone’s curiosity went beyond the poem to this section.

Yay! You made it here. Interesting poem, right? Do you think the final stanza is positive or sad? There’s no clear answer. I’ll let you decide. The title, ‘Spring Hunger, When Happiness Is A Dream’, came from mixing titles of songs by Homies and LeeSSang. It went through several revisions before I chose this one. I aimed for the title and the poem to connect and reflect each other.

‘Spring Hunger’ shows my strong desire to chase dreams and overcome challenges. Spring represents new beginnings and growth but also carries a deep hunger for a better future, filled with pain and longing. ‘When Happiness Is A Dream’ highlights the main struggle: my quest for happiness as a distant goal. This dream, while yearned for, feels out of reach, showing the clash between hope and the realities of hardship.

The poem explores struggles, growth, dreams, ambition, leadership, redemption, and happiness. I especially like the last stanza. It presents an interesting idea: everyone changes after experiencing happiness, even if it comes with pain—whether physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological. Those who were hurt can still smile because it meant something. In the end, it might all be worth it.

I feel like over this past year, happiness has begun to transition to something that was the dream. Don’t get me wrong, I still strive for happiness (whatever that may look like for me in the future) but if I’m just focused and fixated on that, I might be missing out on the other important things in my life. If I achieve the things I need currently, then eventually that will lead to me being happy, right? Sometimes it feels like I’ll never truly be happy? I’d like to think that I’ve healed from my painful upbringing but the results and experiences of what I encounter from time to time presently remind me of why I haven’t.

It feels like a constant battle each year ever since I became an adult. Moments where I feel good about myself and my progress in life and then moments where I feel like the efforts I’ve put in haven’t amounted to what I want yet. This internal struggle often leaves me reflecting on my choices, questioning whether I’m on the right path or if I need to pivot in a new direction. There are days when I wake up feeling optimistic, energized by the possibilities that lie ahead, and it’s sad to admit this but that feeling is pretty rare for me.

I believe this poem captures my feelings from this year, especially after my summer trip to Michigan. Some of my writing is literal, while other parts are more abstract. If you’ve read this far, congrats! You get to know something special: I got accepted into graduate school! I’ll start in Spring 2025 at Chico State for an MA in Social Science. I’ll share more details on my Instagram later this month.

---

Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.