On October 20th, I went on a retreat with the Hmong Student Association to Sycamore Groove in Red Bluff. I joined the Hmong Student Association club at CSU, Chico at the beginning of the semester. For this blog, I wanted to write about a place where I felt most comfortable. You may be wondering, why are you writing about your retreat or Sycamore Groove when it’s not even a place you frequently visit? I’m writing about my experience of the retreat because it was a place where I felt most comfortable so far in my college experience. When the idea of going to the HSA retreat was brought up in the first general meeting in HSA, I signed up to go without hesitation. I didn’t know it at the time but would become one of the best experiences of my life. It’s my first time going camping in Sycamore Groove and it was like nothing I ever expected. When I thought about going camping, I imagined being out in the wild but that wasn’t the case when I arrived at the campsite. This was also my first time going camping, so I had no idea what it was going to be like. But as the days became closer to the day of the retreat, I began to feel less comfortable going because the week of the retreat, it was an extremely busy week for me. I had to go to a mandatory job fair held for EOP students, studying for midterm and other school-related things. Plus, I also had homework that was due for my class over the weekend. I still ended up going because I just said, “fuck it” and I’ll take the L for the assignment (I still managed to finish the assignment on Sunday night when we returned from the retreat).
The HSA retreat members and I went camping in Sycamore Groove for three days (October twentieth – twentieth second). At the beginning of the retreat, I only knew a couple of people who went to the retreat. We arrived at the campsite around six pm and everyone was tasked with different jobs. The men began setting up the three tents and the women began cooking dinner. After setting up the tents, half of the HSA officers took over cooking dinner and the other half led the retreat members in icebreaker activities to have everyone more comfortable with each other. It was a lot quicker than I imagined for everyone to be comfortable and social with each other. After the icebreaker activities, it got dark super quick and it was beginning to be cold, very cold (I hate the cold and rain… a lot, fortunately, it didn’t rain). For some reason seeing the night being pitch black, reminded me somewhat of the walking dead, like how a zombie could just pop out of nowhere and the difficulty of seeing in the dark.
After eating Hmong soup for dinner and socializing for three to four hours. We gathered into the men’s tent and roasted each other for two hours and by the time we finished, it was around one in the morning. We said good night to each other and went to sleep. The next morning, I volunteered to be part of the breakfast crew and we were supposed to wake up at seven and have breakfast prepared by eight-thirty. That didn’t happen, sleep was more important for the breakfast crew. I woke up around six and Kenji and I went to the men’s bathroom to wash up and get ready for the day. The showers in Sycamore Groove were neat and the hot water was heaven. Once my body contacted the hot water, I did not want to get out of the shower at all. That took me thirty to forty minutes to get ready in the morning. After getting dressed, Kenji and I went back to the campsite to help prep breakfast. Cleaning and cutting potatoes was what I was mostly doing in the morning. Around eight when everyone started getting up. We ate and then continued with the planned activities the HSA officers had planned.
My favorite individual part of the retreat was the free time we had before lunch when we could rest or explore the area. I explored the area by the river only. It was very calm and peaceful there. I took that opportunity to sing, I haven’t really had the chance to just sing and not care about anything else in the world. I sang for about thirty to forty minutes and it was very relaxing. I sang songs from high school and other hit songs. The rest of the retreat went by in a blur and I couldn’t believe how fast it went by. But every moment was worth it, I made new friends and I’m very grateful for the experience I had in that short time. (820)
Before writing this blog, I need to go back a bit and explain some things, so you won’t be too confused about why and what I’m writing about. For my University 101 class, we have a semester-long project called the Guidebook Project. This guidebook project is to have a group of students write informative things about a particular place. The place that my group and I wanted to research and find out more about was the Study Abroad Office. After researching the study abroad office for the majority of the semester, my guidebook group and I will present our research and findings in a symposium to spectators. That is why for the past blogs (four – seven) I’ve only written about the study abroad office or things that are related to it. For commitment and accountability purposes my group and I have developed a set of rules to help us stay on track until our symposium on December fifth.
I’ll begin with the rules that we’ve come up with. Our rules are; communication (as a whole we decided that our lack of communication has really affected our ability to work cohesively, we must let each other know when things are due in case of forgetfulness, and reminders when we are meeting up), participation (my group and I decided it’s important that everyone carries their weight as much as possible, participate is a must, our group can’t rely too much for one or two people to do most of the work, everyone’s contribution is important), show up to our group meetings (we have decided to meet up every two weeks until our symposium on December fifth, showing up is a must, an obligation, not an option, unless an emergency emerges, my group and I must be at our meetings), hold each other accountable for their actions and lack of action (a consequence for not being able to show up to the meetings is the member(s) owes the group lunch or Dutch bros, I came up with this rule to give some type of motivation to not flake out on meetings), everyone must have the latest blog post done by the next meeting (in order to produce good work for the guidebook, the whole groups’ travel blogs have to be polished and done to have good content), and the last rule is knock off ten – twenty points off of one group member’s grade if they don’t show up to the meetings.
Essentially it’s a double penalty for someone who can’t make it to the meeting. We understand that extreme shit happens but communicate that with us before that they won’t be able to be there at the meeting. Nate came up with the last rule, it was added a day or two after because in case if someone can afford to pay for lunch, they might be more inclined to not show up to the meeting, this way they know that their grade won’t be too salvageable if they don’t show up. On the timeline, Mattie has mapped out the days we will work on our guidebook and when things are due. Everyone has a photo of the timeline and rules on their phone. We had our first group meeting on the second of this month, and our next two meetings are on the sixteenth and thirtieth of this month. Mattie has also listed when blog posts are due. Overall, we want each other to succeed and pass this class, and I know that I’ve been in a slump lately. I’m slowly getting out of it and getting my shit together so that I don’t let down my group. More importantly, so I don’t let down myself, so I won’t have regrets later on.
After visiting the study abroad info session, I made an appointment to see one of the study abroad advisors for November six. During the info session, we were introduced to four study abroad programs, USAC, IP, AIFS, and Direct Exchange. USAC and AIFS aren’t based in California so CSU students like myself won’t be able to use state grants to fund our study abroad expenses. USAC and AIFS are both “first come first serve” bases. The available options for a student that is looking to USAC, the available options are one semester, winter, summer, or a yearlong abroad. IP is the official study abroad program at CSU, Chico. It’s more competitive to get in because you are competing against other CSU students from all campuses. IP is a yearlong program, there aren’t any other options available. With Direct Exchange, it’s basically a CSU student swapping places with another student in a different country affiliated with CSU, Chico. The two students will swap places, meaning the CSU student will go to that country and the student from that country will come here to CSU, Chico. The only problem with this is that there must be a student who wants to come over.
All the programs offer different amounts and varieties of benefits. Even though my education is mostly funded by Financial Aid, I decided to meet with the USAC advisor because the USAC program offers, more of a hands-on experience and I don’t really want to mess up my experience abroad. My appointment was scheduled at two-twenty pm with Cecilia Lapolli. I arrived at two- ten pm and I checked in with the front desk. I sat down and observed the waiting once more. There weren’t a lot of students present again just like the other time I was previously in the office. I didn’t have to wait long before Cecilia came out to greet me.
We greeted each other and headed to her office, where she asked me when and where I wanted to study abroad. I answered with South Korea and that I wanted to go in my junior year. We discussed a little about my financial aid and how long I wanted to go. We looked at all the available scholarships that are for study abroad students. Through that discussion, we agreed that the IP program will be most beneficial to me. We looked through the IP program and found that there are two universities that are available for studying abroad in. Yonsei and Kookmin are the two available universities. For the IP program, there are some requirements that a student has to meet before applying for the IP program; students must have a 3.0 GPA, year of departure must be either a junior or senior, and have no records/incidents with student judicial affairs. After going through the general things, Cecilia asked me if I have any additional questions.
I said yes and proceeded to interview her on some questions I had previously made before coming to the appointment. I first asked her what is an obstacle most students face when they go study abroad? Cecilia replied that the most frequent thing students experience is culture shock. I asked more about culture shock and whether is it an immediate thing or does it take time to develop? She answered that it is different with every student, some could happen as soon as they land in the country and some could happen months later. Next, I asked what financial difficulties do students face when dealing with payments to the University or USAC? Cecilia replied that the most common difficulty that a student experiences financially is meeting deadlines when things are due. One of the questions I asked was do I need to attend another info session next year as well. She said that students only need to go to one info session and then they are registered into the system. I asked what is a peer advisor and how do I set up a meeting with a peer advisor? Cecilia explained that peer advisors are more knowledgeable in the specific area that a student may want to go to than a study abroad advisor might know. Meeting with an advisor is more about academics and general stuff. We finished up the meeting and I left the office feeling more confident in studying abroad.
Aside from having to visit the study abroad office for classwork. I plan to go study abroad during my time in college. The year I plan to go study abroad is my junior year. I plan to be in South Korea for a whole year, that’s in 2019/20. I started researching about studying abroad and I found out that in order to have an appointment with a study abroad advisor, a student must attend a study abroad info session before arranging an appointment with a study abroad advisor. In a way, this is an extension of the study abroad office. The study abroad information sessions are offered every week except holidays, dead week, and finals week. The info sessions are available on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Each day is available at different times. On Tuesdays, the info session is from four–five pm. On Wednesdays, the info session is from five–six pm. On Thursdays, the info session is from eleven am – twelve pm. And on Fridays, the info session is from two–three pm. All info sessions are located in room 410 in the Student Service Center.
The purpose of the info session is exactly how it sounds. It is to inform students about studying abroad in a more detailed way than a booth at a fair or other place. The info session informs students about what study abroad programs and sites are available through CSU, Chico, how to get classes and units to count toward their major, minor, and/or G.E., the ways to finance their semester or year abroad, the possible and best majors, minors or upper division classes for Study Abroad, how the application process is for each program. After attending the info session, everything that I’ve listed is mentioned and answered at the study abroad info session.
I went to the info session with my friend Peter. We went to the info session on Friday, November third. I expected there to be a handful of students but then I forgot that it was Friday and students don’t want to stay on campus much the day before the weekend. I also forgot that it was November too, which means that most students probably attended an info session earlier in the year. There were only about six or seven students present at the one I went to (not including myself and my friend). We sat down, and the info session coordinator explained to us the timeline of what was going to happen in the following hour.
The info session starts off with greetings and an attendance sheet that is passed around (you don’t have to arrange an appointment to come to an info session, you just have to show up when it is available). After signing in, we watched a twenty-minute video about studying abroad. The video consisted of students being interviewed about their trip abroad, study abroad advisors speaking about the different programs, and the pros and cons of studying abroad. Once the video is done playing, the coordinator begins a presentation about studying abroad in a more in-depth model and goes over information that may not have been mentioned in the video. The presentation lasted for about thirty minutes, and in the last five minutes, the coordinator has the students go up to the front and grab pamphlets, brochures, etc on studying abroad. The coordinator advises that we should set up an appointment with one of the study abroad advisors in the following weeks. With that, the info session ended.
My fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh blogs will be about the Study Abroad Office in CSU, Chico I will write about my experiences when I visit the study abroad office and the interactions I have with the students and faculties there. Before my classmates and I visited the study abroad office, we first visited the study abroad fair out in front of the Bell Memorial Union. The fair is to spread information to students, passers buyers, and staff about studying abroad. Most of the booths there were led and accompanied by student peer advisors. We split up and went to converse with different peer advisors that were present there. We didn’t stay too long because after talking with one peer advisor, we agreed that there isn’t any need to talk with other peer advisors. We came to that conclusion because most of the information that we are given is regurgitated information from each person besides the peer advisors’ experience from studying abroad.
We left the study abroad fair and went to the study abroad office instead. I visited the study abroad office with two members of my guidebook group. Jackie and Nate. We got to the study abroad office around eleven-twenty. The study abroad office is located on the fourth floor of the Student Service Center. The easiest way to get to the office is by elevator, unless you want to exercise then I would recommend using the stairs. As of now, the only other organization that is on the fourth floor is Educational Talent Search, also known as ETS. The office didn’t have a lot of students present when we first arrived, most likely still attending the study abroad fair. The office’s entrance is a double door that is propped all the way open. The doors are decorated with flyers, drawings, information, and other stuff about studying abroad.
We spoke with the person that was stationed at the front desk and explained that we were there to conduct research on the office and to see if we would be able to speak with someone who was knowledgeable about the history of the study abroad office. We were told to have a seat while she went to see if any of the study-abroad advisors were available for interviews. The waiting room is small and doesn’t have a lot of available seats to occupy. There are eight to nine seats, give or take on that. Across the front desk, there is an advisor? I wasn’t quite sure what and who they were. The advisor was talking with a student about Spain. I didn’t want to eavesdrop so much, instead, I focused on what was around us. We sat there observing the area for about five minutes. During that five minutes, there was an influx of students coming in and out of the study abroad office. Some exited the office from their appointments with advisors and some came into the office to arrange an appointment.
The front desk recipient came back and told us that the study abroad advisors are busy at the moment and that their availability during the day is from one-two pm and five-six pm during the weekdays. We said our thank you and left the office. It was unproductive, to be honest. Before we left, each one of us took selfies as proof of our visitation and exited the office.
Somewhere that used to be very popular with the Hmong community in Chico is 20th Street Park or also known as Chapman Park in Chico, CA. Growing up and throughout my time at Chapman Elementary, my childhood consisted of going to 20th Street Park the whole summer. During the summertime, the majority of the Hmong community would come out to 20th Street Park and socialize with each other. Thinking back to those times, it was really an incredible thing to be a part of and experience. The reason I say that is because nowadays, the park is populated mostly by homeless people, and the Hmong community is not very present there anymore. The reason why the Hmong community isn’t present there anymore is due to many different reasons. Families moving away from Chico, technology, my generation getting older and we don’t have time to go to 20th Street Park anymore to name a few. Back then, from 3pm – 8pm or 9pm, you would be able to witness just how big the Hmong community really is.
20th Street Park isn’t just utilized by the Hmong community. It is part of Chico’s Recreation and Park District, also known as CARD. CARD hosts multiple kinds of sports games, tournaments, and leagues using 20th Street Park. 20th Street Park has vast expanses of lawns, landscaped trees, soccer fields, and baseball diamonds. Its name is a bit of a misnomer, as it’s located at the north end of Whitman Avenue (bordering Highway 99), and is more behind 20th Street than on it. If you like wide open spaces to enjoy your volleyball or tennis, I would highly recommend 20th Street Park. Chico’s largest outdoor sports park, its 30 acres provide courts along with ball fields, a large playground, barbecue grills, picnic tables, and lots of space to just sit and reflect or to read a good book.
When I visited 20th Street Park it was a sad realization of what it used to be for me. Now I mostly just go to the park to play grass volleyball. My friends and I have grown up from playing tag and hide n go seek to sports. It saddens me that younger generations won’t experience the joy of coming out from home, escaping away from technology, and having fun in the park. I saw a great amount of homeless people whenever I go to 20th Street Park. I believe that there will only be more of an increase in homeless presence in the future. I interviewed some people who were there causally walking their dogs, people playing baseball, tennis, volleyball, jogging, and a few homeless people.
What I learned from the interviews was that the park is somewhat of a home to most people who are here. Not just to homeless people but to the athletes as well. I asked the athletes to explain what they meant by it home to them? One of the athletes said that when they are able to step foot on that field and play their sport. Everything in their mind is cleared and they don’t worry about the past, present, or future. We spoke more about park-related things and we ended our conversation by exchanging each other’s names.
Author’s Note: This is the first ever story that I wrote, it is a true story with added fiction. It actually originated from the Twice Amino app. I was in a group chat called ‘Shy Shy Shy’. I was in that chat for about a year chatting with random people and fans of Twice. One night, one of the people in the chatroom was expressing to us about their life and the struggles they were going through. After listening to them share their story, I decided to share this story more in the way of a bedtime story. The version that I shared in TA was the rough draft of this story. It didn’t contain as much detail and emotion as the final version. The true story aspect of this piece is components of my life that I incorporated. I hope you’ll enjoy reading this piece!
30 Minutes Read
To his brother, “Come get me now.” His brother replies, “I can’t, I have a meeting to go to.” “Screw the damn meeting, you told me you would get me later, this is later. Now come get me!” Nelson yelled into his phone. “Call Dad and tell him to pick you up.” Then his brother hangs up. The boy gives up and doesn’t call his father. He stands out in the cold hoping that his brother wouldn’t leave him waiting too long.
“Even if I called Dad, he wouldn’t come get me. Doesn’t my brother realize that we only have one car!?” Time passes. It’s cold, dark, and loud but surprisingly, the night is silent as well. “Where is he?” He looks at his phone and sees it is 8:00 PM. 8:30 PM goes by, 9:30 PM goes by, 10:00 PM. “He’s not coming to get me…” Eyes of death stare at him from far away, he stands there patiently waiting to pounce on the prey. The boy looks at his phone “4 miles away.” Coming to terms that his brother will not come to get him. He begins to walk home. Death follows closely behind him.
“I’m left for dead…” He whispers to himself as he continues his journey home. Death still follows the boy getting more excited with each passing second. “He left me, he CHOSE to leave me… Why do people think he is so great?! He is not my brother, we are too different, and we fight too much. He does not care about me. We do not have that brotherly bond like most people have!” The boy angrily says to himself. Tears began to flow from his eyes and he stopped, frozen due to his emotions. Death takes this opportunity and slowly creeps up right behind him. The boy felt death’s hand on his shoulders, he heard the sound of a knife being unsheathed from death’s belt. The knife was brought up right next to his neck.
Time froze with the boy staring up at the teary night sky. In this moment he thought about all his past mistakes, his regrets, his wishes, his pleads, and his aspirations. At this moment, he saw future versions of ghosts that resembled himself appear coming down towards him. The ghosts were angry and mad at him that he would allow something so insignificant to affect him.
Everything the boy had experienced in life, the ghosts were enraged that this little incident was what brought down their savior. They were enraged that they came to him and he was throwing them away because he was the one going to bring them life and utilize them to their fullest potential. Time resumes, and Nelson closes his eyes and braces for the incoming knife wound. Nothing happens.
Death retreats before Nelson opens his eyes. Nelson looks around and finds death is nowhere to be found. He checks himself, nothing is gone and he still has everything. He was not stabbed by the knife that death had with him. Nelson continues to cry. “If I were to die tonight, no one would care. No one will know. What is the point of living this life?! This life where weakness is only present and the storm never passes…” Nelson asked himself.
Nelson looks at his phone, it is now 11:00 PM. “I will cut through the park and save some time.” Nelson stops by the pool and admires the giant pool in the park. “The pool in the park appears calm and peaceful.” Death reappears and stares at Nelson some more with those dark, cold, and hungry eyes. Nelson continues to think about his brother, his life, about dying and tears flood his eyes again. A thought comes to his mind. “Maybe, I should drown myself and end this wretched life.”
Nelson slowly walks towards the pool. He stares at the 3-foot warning on the ground, and he walks along the edge of the pool. 5-feet, 6-feet, 7-feet. “This is deep enough.” He told himself. Death stares with a blank face, not believing what he is seeing. Nelson looks at his phone and says quietly “I love you. Tonight, this is how my story ends.” As he stares at the still water, he notices something in the water. The future ghosts have returned, and they slowly begin to wrench him into the water as vengeance upon him.
Before he hits the water, the last thing he hears is an item dropping on the ground. Surprisingly, inside the pool, it felt nice. It is silent, calm, and dark with the water engulfing him. It is as if he entered another world. Somehow, being in the water feels like a mother’s embrace. A feeling he never truly had felt. The voices of the ghosts surround him and eventually, their voices overlap, and it becomes silent as they drown out each other. Nelson felt his body become lifeless and numb. He decided he needed to sleep and rest for a very long time. Nelson closes his eyes and accepts the opportunity to rest and he dreams.
(Insides Nelson’s dream) “Where am I?” Nelson was standing next to a Dutch Bros shop. He was looking around confused about why he was brought to Dutch Bros when he saw a dream version of himself driving away from Dutch Bros. He followed the car back to his school. Dream Nelson was surrounded by his friends whom he called ‘brothers’. “I miss my brothers, they brought me joy and love during a time when I couldn’t love myself,” Nelson said as he watched his dream self smiling and laughing with his brothers. “Well Nelson, it’s time, are you ready?” Ausen asked. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, what is the worst that can happen? She says no?” said Nelson. “Well, do you have a backup plan at least?” Divan asked.
“Nope, I’m just gonna go in there and do my best and hope she says yes,” Nelson said with a smile. “I got a text from Cis. It said that she is in class today. Let’s go!” said Dream Nelson. “What is going on? More importantly, who is ‘she’ that they are talking about?” said a confused Nelson looking from far away. He followed them to the classroom. “Wait… I know this classroom. Why did I bring Dutch Bros to class with my brothers?” Nelson said confusingly.
Since it was a dream, he walked into the classroom and sat down in the seat with the best view to see what was going to happen. Dream Nelson and his brothers walked into the classroom and he went straight to the most beautiful girl in the room. Now seated, Nelson couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His eyes grew wide and he said “No way, he is not going to do what I think he’s going to do.” As Dream Nelson got closer and closer to her, seated Nelson realized who the girl was.
Her name was Bekah.
“Bekah!?” said Nelson in awe. She was beautiful, but not like those girls you see on your Instagram feeds. She was beautiful in the way she thought and how she worried about others first. She was beautiful for her ability to make other people smile even during times when she was sad. The way her eyes sparkled when she talked about her passion. Her openness and honesty were refreshing. Her exterior was beautiful, however, that was temporary. That was not what I was looking for. She was beautiful, deep down in her soul. She was an HSP, just like me.
With a pounding heart and full hands, Dream Nelson asked her “Will you go to prom with me?” Bekah looked dumbstruck for a split second until her gaze took her eyes to what the top of the drink said. ‘Prom?’ She looked into Dream Nelson’s eyes and with the voice of an angel, she said one magical word. “Yes.” And the room exploded with claps, awes, and cheers.
Nelson saw Dream Nelson’s smile with Bekah in his embrace and he thought to himself, “I asked Bekah Rice to prom?! And she said yes to me? Me…? A person of so many misfortunes and to be this lucky for her to say yes. Wow, that’s amazing… No, don’t give me hope. Don’t show me this happiness only for it to be ripped from me and destroyed. Haven’t you already hurt me enough?” Nelson understood what that meant. He is in the future and he is afraid to experience this future. It will hurt him and change him forever. A bright light overtook the room and blinded everyone. Once the bright light faded, sitting Nelson wasn’t inside the classroom anymore.
Nelson was in a restaurant alone with Dream Nelson, Bekah, and her parents. “I wanted to take photos of you both together before we leave. Look this way and smile please,” said Bekah’s mother. After a long photo shoot, Bekah’s mother was satisfied with the results. “Have a nice dinner, have fun at prom, be safe, and have her home once the dance is over,” said Bekah’s father. “Yes, sir,” said a very nervous Dream Nelson. Nelson was still sitting, and he burst out laughing at his Dream self. “At least even my Dream self is still being respectable and respectful to others.” Once Bekah’s parents left the restaurant, Dream Nelson and Bekah had their dinner.
“Sorry if you feel awkward. The guys were supposed to be here with their dates too, but something happened, and they can’t make it. But everything’s already paid for so don’t worry about paying.” Said Nelson. “Oh, are they okay? Are they hurt?” Said a worried Bekah. “They’re fine, they’ll meet up with us at Prom. That’s what Ausen told me” said the older Nelson. “I have a question for you,” said Bekah. “Sure, ask away,” Dream Nelson replied. “How did you come up with using Dutch Bros to ask me to prom?” said a curious Bekah. “Well, I asked your friends and they told me what you liked and disliked. I noticed one day when you came into class with a Dutch bros drink, so I thought it would be cool if I used it. The people at Dutch Bros actually gave it to me for free when I asked them to write prom on the cap” said Dream Nelson.
“You know, this all feels like a dream right?” Bekah told Dream Nelson. “It does, so I ask that you don’t wake me up from this dream. As it is the only thing I have left of you. And once I wake up, this happy ending will disappear… and you with it.” Dream Nelson said sadly. Nelson smiled, and tears began to fall from his eyes. His Dream self with Bekah, together they looked like the perfect couple. What happened next shocked Nelson.
The restaurant exploded and the whole building was destroyed.
Time passes, and Nelson doesn’t wake up from being in the water. Death starts to get anxious. His curiosity about what happened to Nelson made Death jump into the pool. Nelson is lying on the ground at the bottom of the pool motionless. Death swims to the bottom of the pool towards Nelson and drags him out of the pool. Death throws Nelson on the ground, Nelson is motionless and continues to be asleep. Death places his head on top of Nelson’s chest and he listens for a heartbeat. At first, Death heard nothing which made Death’s eyes grow big and he began to feel excited and he smiled. However, his smile slowly faded, and he became blank again because Death heard the faintest heartbeat from Nelson.
“It looks like it’s not your time yet.” He raised his arm high and made his hand into a fist. With all his might, he brought down his fist straight onto Nelson’s chest. Nelson vomits up a large amount of water and wakes up. Nelson hungrily grasps for air and inhales deeply trying to regain his composure. He is dumbfounded by what happened. What happened to his Dream self and Bekah? Then something clicked in his head, his chest hurt… his eyes widened. Death’s punch to his chest toward his heart was the explosion in his dream. He needed something to shake him enough to wake him up. Once Nelson recovered he ran home, and Death followed him.
Nelson ran until he could not run anymore, he stopped and kneeled. Death catches up to Nelson. Nelson turns to Death and speaks. “Why? Why did you pull me out? I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time sleeping, and it was both happy and sad for me. It was almost like a reverse nightmare. Like when you wake up from a nightmare, “You’re so relieved.” But for me! You woke me back up into my nightmare! I’ve given up on life, I was finally able to let everything go and lay everything to rest! All those that I’ve trusted have betrayed me! All those that I loved and trusted have forsaken me. There’s nothing left for me to live for! I had enough of this world and even if I end my life, it doesn’t matter to the world! What right do you have to pull me out? What fucking right did you have! It’s not your choice! It’s mine! It’s my life! Since you won’t let me die by myself then, you must be the one to kill me! Kill me!
Take my life and relieve me of all the pain I endured in this shitty life! Please, I beg of you…”
Death looks at Nelson and becomes serious. “Why are you so impatient? Death hands him Nelson’s phone and wallet. “You dropped this. You’re only 17, you still have a whole life ahead of you. I know that you’ve experienced a lot of hardships growing up. Some have it harder than you do, and some will never experience what you’ve experienced. You must live and share with others your stories. All the pain and hardships you have endured will make you become someone’s strength. Keep living on with your life, and live with the strong belief that the future will be better than what it is now. I pulled you out because it isn’t your time to leave yet, others are still counting on you. There are still many people you need to enlighten and spread the impact of your voice and love to. You’ve yet to leave your mark in this wretched world. And if you really do want to die and leave everything behind then, go ahead after you have done everything you wanted to do.
Just know that I won’t be there next time. Next time will be the real deal and you won’t be able to take anything back. Next time, I will take you with me, when we see each other then, I know you tell me that you wished to have lived longer. With that said, go and live your life, but I want you to keep it in mind. No one notices your tears, your sadness, nor your pain, but they all will notice your mistakes.” It doesn’t matter how many accomplishments you have, you make one mistake and they will all turn on you. So, live life and always be strong, even in your darkest hour, never falter.
I will provide you with the will and energy to accomplish your goals.”
Nelson suddenly got furious. He turned towards Death “You know my pain? You may know my pain, but you weren’t the one who experienced it! Have you experienced going to bed hungry?! Not because you chose to but because you’re forced to! Knowing that if I ate dinner those nights, I wouldn’t have a meal for breakfast! Have you ever felt guilty about being happy when everyone else in your family was sad?! Have you felt the pain of being betrayed and losing the trust of everyone close to you?! Don’t you dare fucking talk about pain when all you do is take things away and cause misery for everyone!”
After listening to Nelson’s speech and giving his answer and message to Nelson, Death fades away. Nelson looks at his phone, “It’s 12:00 AM already? During all this time, no one even called or texted me. Who else will I ever meet that will call me at this time?” Nelson continues his journey home. A night breeze blows past him, and he shivers due to the coldness of the water. “I always hated the cold. I hate everything about it. The weakness it makes me feel as my body parts become numb and the terrible rain that follows.” Nelson looks at his phone, “2 miles left.” He sees a bench in the distance.
“I’ll rest a bit before going home.” Slowly, Nelson approached the bench. “This doesn’t look right. I don’t remember seeing this bench before in my life. Maybe the park added some extra benches?” Nelson sits on the bench to rest a bit. His eyes feel heavy and he fights to keep them open, but he eventually loses and decides to close them for a second… Or two.
As Nelson was sleeping, something touched his shoulder. Nelson doesn’t react nor does he move. “Wake up, you shouldn’t sleep here. You’ll get a cold.” Said the stranger. Nelson slowly wakes up and looks up to his right. The figure was standing in front of the light pole and Nelson could only see their silhouette. “Mom?” The figure shifts to the side and Nelson sees that it’s not his mother. “Why would I think that she’s mom? It’s not her, she’s somewhere else. She doesn’t even care about me, why would she be here? Maybe I’m going crazy.” Nelson said to himself.
“Don’t sleep here, you’ll catch a cold.” the stranger said again. For Nelson, those words meant something special to him. Tears began to uncontrollably fall down the boy’s face and he began to weep. Somehow the stranger wasn’t surprised, she just stood there and waited till the boy finished weeping. “Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong? I apologize if I did, I didn’t mean no harm.” Nelson finished weeping and mustered the energy to reply back. “You didn’t say anything wrong nor did you do anything wrong. It’s just that you are the first person today who has asked me how I am. Because I don’t like to show my emotions, I keep it inside myself and bottle it all up so no one can ever see.
My smile, my smile is a lie, it masks all my pain and hides how I truly feel. I’m just so sick of everything in this world. I’m tired of trying to understand why I must feel this immense guilt of being weak. Why must I endure all this sorrow and sadness? Yeah, I’m smiling as if nothing bothers me. But if you really want to know how I’m feeling, I’m dying. Sometimes I wish someone would be able to see through my smile and tell me “I know you’re not okay, so please stop smiling like everything is fine.” It’s been a rough day and I feel like the whole world is against me.”
“Come here, don’t cry,” said the stranger. The stranger pulled Nelson into a hug and they embraced each other. The hug reminded Nelson about the time earlier when he was submerged in water. A hug where it melted away all his worries and made him feel protected. Like a mother’s embrace of her child. Something Nelson has never felt before. He imagines what a mother’s embrace would feel like. After a good minute, they let go of each other. Nelson wipes away his tears as he regains his composure. With tears cleared from his eyes, he now sees clearly that the stranger is a woman. She looks like she’s in her 20s. She’s casually well-dressed and doesn’t appear to be homeless. The light above the park lamp helped Nelson see the women’s features. She asks, “What are you doing out here at night?”
He replies “I was dropped off by my brother to go sing for a performance. After I finished the performance, I was waiting for my brother to come get me. But he never came. You may be asking, why don’t I call my parents? I would but my father is out getting intoxicated by everything and forgetting that he has responsibilities. I walked and walked till I got here. I’m… I’m too tired and broken thinking about my life, the reasons why it’s like this. And why must it be me that has to live this wretched life? I try to look back on my life and think of times when I did something bad or I was being bad but nothing major comes to mind. Am I suffering for the sins I committed to those three kids when I was younger? I bullied them because I couldn’t control the emotions I felt when I was at home. I regret it more and more as I grow older. Was it because I was never religious? Was it because I denounced the belief in god and that god doesn’t exist? Or, was this an already predetermined thing planned for me? No matter how genuine, authentic, and good I am in the world. I’m fated to fail no matter what?”
“Do you mind if I sit down?” The woman asked. “I don’t mind.” Said Nelson. “Aren’t you afraid of me? You don’t know if I’m dangerous or not. I could kill you right here and no one would ever know.” Said the woman. Nelson replies “I’m not afraid because you’re not even remotely close to any of my fears. The things I fear the most are much more intense than you. Fears that not even you can ever touch or comprehend. And I’m too friendly for my own good. I open too quickly to people and I’m too kind which makes it easy for me to forgive and be taken advantage of. If you were dangerous, you wouldn’t have offered to hug me. And if you were to kill me, you would’ve done it already, from past experiences and the knowledge that I know. Killers don’t announce when and who they’re going to kill. They act first and worry about the consequences after.”
“Interesting answer. You know a lot of things considering you’re so young. Why are you lost? Do you need help to find your home?” the woman asked. Nelson replies “Home? Is there such a thing anymore? And no, I don’t need help. I know how to get home. I’m 17 and I’m not a kid who doesn’t know where he lives. But am I lost? Yeah, I am. I’m at a point in my life where I am lost about where to go in my life. I don’t know anymore.
If I should continue living this life or give up on life.”
The woman asks, “Why are you broken?” “In these short 17 years I’ve lived, my trust in people who are close to me has withered down to nothing. Hell, I don’t even know if I can trust myself. All the trust I had in the world, in morals, in justice, and in life, has vanished. I keep moving and working towards a better future but the questions I have now are not if I can make it. It is, how long will I reach my destination? When something goes right for me, two other things go bad for me. It’s like no matter how much I pick myself back up and fix myself, the world just says fuck you and destroys me again and again.” Said Nelson.
“Okay. Um, why though? What caused you to feel this way? Why do you have these thoughts? If you don’t mind sharing.” Nelson chuckles and says “One day will not be enough time to explain to you why I’m like this. I have lost count of how many unfortunate things I’ve endured and witnessed in my life. Isn’t it sad when you get hurt so much that you can finally say? I’m used to it. All of those experiences have shaped me into who I am today. I still can’t believe how I’ve survived up to this point. And I’ve just experienced something so hurtful that it has clouded my thoughts and made me contemplate living life. Why are you here though?” “Well, I’m here because of the park. It’s peaceful, calm, beautiful, and quiet at night. I enjoy it very much. My son used to enjoy it also. But I don’t come here too often anymore.” Answered the women. Nelson sniffles “Excuse me for asking. Umm, how old are you?” “I’m 37. Yeah, I know I look like I’m in my 20s. Said the woman.
“37? That’s my mom’s age too. That’s weird.” Nelson told himself. “You said ‘not anymore’ earlier, about your son. Why did you say that?” Nelson asked. “You said you’re 17 years old right? That’s the same age as my son. He died when he was 17. He always acted first and worried about the consequences of his actions after. He was just, and he cared more about others than himself. He had a heart of gold, I could tell it was heavy for him to carry being like that but he carried it well. I told him to be more careful with helping others and that he shouldn’t risk his life just for anybody.
He risked his life saving a person, he saved that person two times. He saved the man, but he ended up giving up his own.
When he was younger, he would always ask me to take him here to the park. I was always working and never had time to bring him here. Magnus’ father was a police officer and he died in the line of duty. The only time I had to bring him here was at night. We would sit right here and enjoy the park together. Can I tell you something? You look like my son, Magnus.” Said the woman. Nelson’s eyes widened in shock “I look like your son?” The next words that came out of his mouth were spoken without his consent. They naturally came out. “Can I tell you something? You look like my mother.” The women’s eyes begin to water. “I know you are not Magnus, but you are just like him.” Nelson replies “And you are not my mother. But you look like her as well.” He thinks back to the hug. “No wonder it felt somewhat like a mother’s embrace,” Nelson said to himself. “Well if I look like your mother. At least I can help consult you. Why do you feel like you don’t want to live anymore?” said the woman. “Is there a name I can call you before I answer that?” Nelson asked.
“You may call me Lisa,” Lisa replies. “Okay Lisa, my life has been terrible. My whole entire life. My parents divorced when I was six months old. My brother and I were left with my father. My relatives saw us in a different light. Like we were unwanted and plagued with bad luck. Always seeing us with those cold eyes of disapproval. My father remarried when I was in kindergarten. My stepmom was more of a mom than my actual mother ever was. She took care of me, taught me, and loved me. She was my mom, I called her mom and she would call me her son.
It sounds so trivial but it meant so much to me. Then, my father and stepmom divorced as well. With it went my childhood and the only thing I knew was a mother. I felt sad and my heart ached whenever I saw other children with their mothers. Or when their mom would come to pick them up from school. But what hurt the most about not having a mother was when my teachers announced to the class about ‘Back to School Night’ and wanted to see my parents.
I would hold back the tears that would begin to surround my eyes. I would feel ashamed for not having both parents. My father became an alcoholic and indulged in drugs. He abused my brother and me. My brother and I were always fighting when we were younger. We didn’t have that brotherly bond that other siblings had with each other. My father was poor but still provided for us.
I thought there was some good left in him, that was my biggest mistake and that mistake changed my perspective on life. The friends I made. They saw me differently. They saw me as less of a human being. I worked hard in school and I became the best I could be. I reached the summit and I stayed there for as long as possible until I lost motivation and lost support. While I was at the summit, I got respect and jealousy from others.
My brother cared more about his friends than he cared about me. I relied upon him because he was my brother. Is he though? He left me for dead! Betrayed me countless times and prioritized others before me. How can your own brother do that? Why do I keep going back to him? Is it because he’s my brother? I almost died twice today! He wouldn’t give two shits about me if he was told that I had died. I truly believe that we aren’t brothers.” Nelson angrily finishes.
“There are many kids out there in the world that wished they had a brother or sister. Magnus was an only son. He wished he had a younger sibling to take care of and be a role model too. Or an older sibling to look up to. What I’m saying is that. You have a brother, no matter how bad it gets between you and your brother. YOU ARE STILL BROTHERS. You’ll never have another brother or sister ever again.
So, love him, try to understand him, and forgive him. For he is your one and only brother.” Said Lisa in a stern voice.
“Is there anything else you want to talk about?” Said Lisa in a commanding tone. “I am unlucky with love. I’m going to meet someone special this school year. She’ll be special to me but I don’t know if I’ll be special to her. She made me happy and I was grateful for the time she spent with me. I know what will happen in the future. I’ll ask her to prom. And after prom, we’ll go our separate ways. I’ll cherish the moments and memories we have together in that short time. I hope that she’ll live a long and happy life after we’ve departed from each other.” Lisa takes a moment to herself before she asks “You’ll find someone who feels the same way towards you too Nelson. And when that person walks into your life. You’ll know.” Lisa told Nelson.
Nelson checks the time on his phone “It’s 6:00 AM?! How did the time go by so fast? I’ve only been here for two hours at most.” “That’s because this is a dream, my son. You were home at 3:00 AM. You walked all by yourself to your house. You showered and went to bed crying silently. And you dreamt of me, your mother.” “Earlier when you had the dream in the water, it was a dream inside a dream.” Said, Lisa. Nelson is confused “Everything that happened to me, didn’t and never happen? Was it just all in my dream?
“Remember when I told you that Magnus died from saving someone? Earlier you were saved by a man. Those two times it was Magnus. He saved you from the thief, from drowning in the pool, and from death. Your heart may no longer be gold as it has been tainted, but I know you will still do good in the world. Now you must continue to live your life. My sweet and beautiful boy. I know I’m just a subconscious image of your mother, but I love you.” She embraces the boy one more time. As the sun is rising in his dream. Nelson’s mom slowly fades away while hugging her son. “Thank you and goodbye Mom.” In reality… He already returned home and went to bed quietly. Nelson is sleeping peacefully. Tears fell from his eyes with all the emotions he felt in his dream, and from that night he experienced. With that, he continued to sleep.
The End
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hey. Utilizing our resources is something I’ve always been told. And in college, I soon realized that we as students. We pay tons of money to attend the university of our choice and we don’t even use most of the resources we are paying for in our tuition.
3 Minutes Read
Even though it was just the second week of college, I was already feeling some small amount of fatigue setting in. I just got out of class and I was feeling sleepy, I was heading over to the library when I overheard some students talking about going to the Zen Den. Everything phased out from their conversation for me, and all I heard was “The Zen Den is on the third floor of the BMU.” I immediately headed straight to the Zen Den. I arrived at the Zen Den quite quickly considering I was at Butte Hall. I entered the Zen Den quietly hoping not to disturb the quietness inside. As I opened the door to the Zen Den, I noticed how quiet it was, like scary quiet.
The lady at the desk next to the door greeted me and told me to sign in on the clipboard sign-in sheet. After signing in I ambled and observed the room for a minute. The wall seemed white but I couldn’t tell because the lighting was dim and dark. I saw a small miniature waterfall/water pathway thing that had water going through it making flowing water sounds echo throughout the room. The room had three sections, one section for the hammocks, massage chairs, and a general area. Wall dividers separated the hammocks, the same as the massage chairs. The general area had a couple of couches and bean bags to lay/sit down on. There’s enough for probably 20 – 25 people probably.
After I got done checking out the room, I searched for an available massage chair. Sadly, other students were preoccupied with all the massage chairs. I settled for a hammock, and I swear, this was the loudest goddamn hammock ever. As soon as I sat on the hammock, it shrieked so loudly that it made students from the general area wake up. I felt bad because they looked like they were also tired or people came here to look for some quiet time and I disturbed them. My cheeks got red and I tried to hide in the hammock.
I’ve never been to a place this quiet before. The closest thing that I can relate the Zen Den to is when it’s raining and you’re just lying in your room listening to the rain. Being in the Zen Den made me feel calm, relaxed, and happy. I laid down on the hammock and napped for 20 – 30 minutes. I got up and left the Zen Den, I noticed that there were more people in the room than we I first got there. I will come back to the Zen Den. I had a great experience and no one bothered me and it was quiet, minus when I sat on the hammock. It’s great traveling to an unfamiliar place and actually enjoying being there. I’m grateful to have a place like the Zen Den available for me to go to and just destress and clear my mind. 10/10 would recommend it.
Author’s Note: The first post on my website. It’s very cringy for me to go back and reread my old posts. Enjoy.
4 Minutes Read
My name is Manting Xiong. I’m a 19-year-old Hmong-American. I was born in Concord, North Carolina but I was raised up in Chico. I’m the youngest in my family of four. I have one older brother that is 22 and he recently graduated from Chico State with a major in Liberal Studies. I was involved in Chico High’s boy’s volleyball team and the acapella choir. I’ve been involved in these two extracurricular activities for all four years of my high school career. For choir, I would spend a great deal of time in the choir room, and for volleyball, I would spend time in the Lincoln Gym.
The choir room, room D5. This was the first place at my high school that became a sanctuary for me. This is really ironic because I was never into singing or anything remotely close to the choir before joining the class. I remember walking into the choir in my freshman year and having a different kind of atmosphere. I had an “Oh Shit” moment from the first time of having that class, after the class ended, I realized that I shouldn’t take this class lightly. Aside from that, the room was not standard per se. If everything in the room was taken out, it would look like there were three giant steps going up. The middle of the room was occupied by risers. The risers for me were the volleyball version of the court, whenever I got on the riser or the volleyball court, it was time to be in serious mode, well, I tried to be serious most of the time.
The walls in the class were painted white and looked kinda old but well-kept. The left side of the wall has usually been filled with music stuff. I said generally because I don’t know if it’s changed or not. The right side of the wall was filled with photos of the small groups in the choir. These small groups meet once a week during lunch to rehearse their songs and they perform all over Chico. The back wall was the class photo album. The wall from left to right was filled with photos of the choir students out in different performances throughout the school year. The front of the room near the riser had a whiteboard and a grand piano. The choir room was also the piano room too because, on the left and right sides of the classroom, there were electronic keyboards lined up next to the walls. I had a lot of great memories in the choir, I came there to cry, laugh, sing, eat, sleep, bond, and study.
Unlike the choir room, I was only able to enjoy being in the Lincoln gym in the spring semester of school. During the spring semester of each school year, I would go straight to the Lincoln gym and get in some extra practice before practice. The Lincoln gym has six basketball hoops spread throughout the gym. The Lincoln gym has bright lights and speakers that were attached to the roof of the gym. The Panther C can be found in the middle of the gym. The Lincoln gym was small and can only have one set of bleachers on the right side of the gym. The bleachers were jet black and weren’t the most comfortable to sit on for long periods of time. On the volleyball court, I’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears throughout my experience in high school.
This weekend I went to One Mile with my new friends I made from EOP Summer Bridge. We barbecued at One Mile and went swimming in the cool yet warm water. During the barbecued portion of the trip, it was just my friends and I with a couple of cars occasionally passing by. Although I didn’t notice that much because I was stuffing my face with delicious food. When we moved to the pool area, I saw people I expected to see being from Chico. I saw people of all ages, children, adults, college students, homeless people, and random people. Most people came there to swim while others brought blankets to sleep on the cool grass. I also saw people going there to just dip their feet in the water and relax.
One Mile isn’t special to me because I grew up coming here a lot in my middle school years, I had great memories here already back then and I hope to make more in the future. One mile is always a good experience, you get to swim in the cool water, see different types of people, and enjoy nature and it’s a good place to come and relax. Eight out of ten would recommend with company.
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