Author’s Note: Hi, this is a written piece that I performed at my college’s event called ‘Stories From The Heart’. My inspirations for this piece are by BTS’ member Suga’s song called ‘First Love’ and the Korean Drama ‘Uncontrollably Fond’. I left some of Suga’s lyrics in this piece and I changed the parts to fit it into what I wanted my piece to portray. In the last section of this piece, I got from ‘Uncontrollably Fond’. This is not an original piece by any means. This is a piece that I combined together to share about how I viewed my Mom and Stepmom. I hope you enjoy this!
First Love by Suga
4 Minutes Read
I know someone who… was brave. Someone kind and gentle like water. Someone soft and light like a feather. Someone warm and loving like a hug. Someone amazing and unbelievable, like a miracle. Someone who dreamed and inspired like those stars far above. Someone who was unselfish and generous. Someone caring and motherly.
This person reminds me of… regret. She reminds me of the indescribable pain. She reminds me of sacrifice and silent lies. She reminds me of hatred and despair. She reminds me of hopelessness and loneliness. She reminds me of cruelty and endless tears. She reminds me of the freezing cold. She reminds me of the embarrassing heat. She reminds me of the quiet nights.
I remember those moments when she was so much taller than me. The woman who had guided me. I yearned for her when I turned my face up towards her. When I had touched her with my small baby fingers. I remember thinking to myself, “I feel so nice mom I feel so nice.” I grabbed onto hope wherever I could find it. I didn’t know your significance back then. Because I was happy and content just looking at you.
I remember back during my younger days. When I would get asked, “Do you miss her?” It didn’t matter which answer I gave. They were both wrong. I neglected you now when I once yearned for you so much. Your image has been neglected. Even then, I didn’t know your significance. No matter where I am. You always gave me strength. But I didn’t know that would be for the last time.
I remember back then in my teens. When I met you again, I was around 16 years old. I had completely forgotten what you looked like. That moment when I saw you. I knew who you were immediately. The awkwardness before we embraced was only for a moment. Even though you were gone for 16 years. Without repulsion or hesitation, you accepted me. Without you, there wouldn’t be me. I remember back then. We laughed, and we cried for all of those 16 years apart. Those days with you, those moments are now in distant memories.
I said to myself, “I really can’t do this anymore,” and every time I wanted to give up. I remember those words you uttered to me. “Don’t worry, ‘Ba Bao’ you can really do it,” I remember back then when I was fed up and lost. Back then, when I fell into the bottomless pit of desperation and despair. Even when I pushed you away, even when I resented meeting you. Somewhere inside me, told me to forgive and forget you.
I remember screaming internally, “Don’t leave like this!” Your eyes that gazed back at me, I imagine they told me. “‘Don’t worry,’ Even if I leave. You’ll do well on your own. I remember when I first met you. You were so small and fragile then. Before I knew it, you grew up taller than me. Though we are putting an end to our relationship. Don’t ever feel sorry for me. And don’t feel sorry for yourself.
I’ll keep my doors open, so please come by whenever you miss me. When a flower blooms, or when the wind blows… When it rains or snows, I’ll think that you have dropped by. Your birth and the end of your life. I will be there to watch over it all. No matter what form or whenever. I will get to meet you again. I’ll treat you really well then… I’ll cherish you, and love you… Like a real mother. Greet me happily at that time…”
The End
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: Hi there! Thank you for checking out Her Name? It is a love story between two people where a person’s aspiration will conflict with the love that they experienced that Summer. The female in the photos is Sana Minatozaki, a girl idol for the K-Pop group Twice. She was the person I had in mind when I wrote this piece. I took inspiration from Korean dramas and animes I was watching at the time and incorporated some of those dialogues into this piece. This was the first ever fanfiction I wrote and I can say that I’m really happy with it. I hope you enjoy reading this!
28 Minutes Read
The therapist asked me “So why are you here today?” “I’m having trouble expressing my feelings and I don’t know why?” I replied. “Well, tell me about your situation.” said the therapist. “To be honest, it’s something I would not want to remember… but at the same time, I don’t want to forget it too. It was the happiest moment of my life, and it was the saddest moment in my life. Let me start from the beginning then.” I said. I came to stay with my grandma in Osaka over summer break. My parents had left for the U.S. for their anniversary, so I was sent to Osaka. It was nice getting to see my grandma again, I’m really not a fan of big cities. I just thought that it was going to be a “normal” summer break. It was… until I met her. I didn’t even know it then, but I had fallen in love.
I know right? How corny. She couldn’t have felt the same for me, she couldn’t have. I didn’t allow her to have the chance to love me. It was a one-sided love… like it should’ve been. But, that wasn’t the case. One day, a woman walked into my life. We hung out together, played, sang, and even danced together. It was too perfect at first and then I got this feeling like I always had before… She must not become someone important in my life. So, I locked away any feelings I had for her and I pushed her away as much as I could. Still, she came back to me. Maybe I wasn’t mean enough. Maybe I should’ve had more conviction to create the distance between us. My conviction wavered because of her smile. She would give me one smile that would leave me speechless and dumbfounded.
Why is she so forgiving? One day I yelled at her to “GO AWAY!”, I saw her tears start to fall and she ran home. If our lives were different, I would’ve accepted her wholeheartedly… but I know that she’s destined for someone and something bigger and better than me. I went home with tears in my eyes. Grandma saw me crying and she asked me why. I told her what I did and she whooped my ass for being such a bad grandson. Saying “I taught you to be better than that!” She was disappointed that I wasn’t a gentleman in my situation and for hurting such a beautiful girl. My grandmother yelled a lot at me and I felt guilty for what I did. My grandma made some cupcakes for her and forced me to go over to her house and apologize to her.
I say forced, but I was genuinely worried that I might have been too mean. I took the cupcakes with me and I went outside. Slowly, I walked to her house hoping I could amend the sins I committed. Carrying the cupcakes in one hand, I knocked on her door with the other. As I heard the door swing open. It’s as if by the will of God, a huge gust of wind blew by and as if I had a cupcake magnet on my face. All the cupcakes flew straight into my face. So, there I was standing in front of her with the cupcakes I was supposed to give her… all stuck on my face. She laughed as she watched the cupcakes fly to my face.
She invited me inside and she started to wipe my face with water and soap. The atmosphere between us was so awkward. I finally mustered enough courage to tell her that the cupcakes were for her. She laughed more, and she thanked me for trying to cheer her up. I apologized to her and we sat there and talked, for a really long time. The whole time we were talking, I kept asking myself “Why? Why is she still talking to me? I was so mean and such a terrible person to her.” From our conversation, I realized that she was too forgiving. She has a heart of gold and sees the light in everything. I decided that I wouldn’t be able to make her distance herself from me or myself from her.
I gave up on being the mean person, and I vowed to make amends for the sins I committed. After our weird period of being friends and not being friends in May, mainly due to me. We began to be real friends at the start of June. She asked me why I tried to distance myself from her. I told her about my life, my misfortunes, and what I believed in; How I believed that she was destined for something greater. And again, she smiled and thanked me for my explanation. She thanked me for saying that she was destined for something greater. The days in June are very long, due to June 21st being the summer solstice. Also known as the longest day of the year. The days leading up to June 20th were terrific. The day of my birthday.
On June 19th, she surprised me when I walked her home during the night. We got to the door to her house and she told me to close my eyes. I asked her “Why do I have to close my eyes?” She just gave me one of those looks and I gave up resisting and I closed my eyes.
“You’re not doing anything weird right?” I said with caution. She laughed and told me “No” sarcastically. About two minutes have passed and she tells me to open my eyes. I heard her say “Happy Birthday!” And next thing I knew I felt something creamy and mushy slammed into my face. “No…! Nt agn…” I couldn’t finish my sentence before the cake entered my face.
Even with a face full of cake, there was one thing I focused on. All I can hear is her laughter. It’s such a sweet and innocent laugh, that once you hear it. It feels as if it can cure people’s illnesses and diseases. That’s how angelic her laugh was. We took ten to twenty minutes to clean up the mess and clean me up. How ironic that I got caked again in the same exact spot where I tried to cheer her up.
We laughed about it and she took out a cupcake from her fridge and she stuck a candle at the top of it. She carefully lit the candle and told me to “Make a wish.” I closed my eyes and I made a wish. I blew out the candle and thanked her. “So, what did you wish for,?” She asked me. I smiled saying “It won’t come true if I share what it was.” “Who knows, maybe I can help you make it become true.” She said back. I summoned courage and I hesitantly told her. “I wished that you would be my girlfriend for one day.” What I said made her flustered and blushed.
Those few seconds after I uttered those words felt like an eternity. I was surprised by how quickly she made up her mind. She gave me a thumbs up and told me that “Tomorrow for your birthday, I’ll be your girlfriend for one day. We can go on a date, do couple-like things, and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend.” We laughed once she said that. It sounds so cringy to be calling each other that. We said goodnight to each other and I left her house and went to sleep thinking about all the things we’ll do tomorrow.
You know that feeling when you’re so excited about something that it makes you unable to sleep? Like the night before school starts again. Or when you have a big event you’re going to? I tossed and turned the whole night. Morning could not have come any slower. I couldn’t sleep the whole night, so I got up and began to plan what we were going to do for our day together. After preparing all night, I somehow fainted from exhaustion and slept till 7:00 AM. I woke up, showered, and went over to her house.
Her mother opened the door a bit surprised that I came over so early. I asked her mom if I could help her cook breakfast for her daughter, showing her the bag of ingredients, I had brought with me. She didn’t mind and began to order me to do different tasks. Her father had left already for work. I cooked some seaweed soup for her daughter for breakfast. After cooking breakfast, her mother had to run an errand for one of the neighbors, so she told me to go wake up her daughter.
I bought her breakfast in bed. I quietly entered her room as if it was the library hoping not to wake her up. I was successful in opening her door wide enough to see her sleep in the bed. I guess it really is true, someone looks the most peaceful when they’re sleeping. Due to my clumsiness, I stubbed my toe on the door wall. Unfortunately, that woke her up. She looked at me a bit confused and shocked. Once she recognized it was me she sweetly said “Good morning handsome.” with a smile.
We both burst out laughing due to it being so cringy. “I brought you seaweed soup. Here you go.” I handed the seaweed soup carefully to her. She drank it slowly for the first couple of minutes because the soup was still a bit too hot. Then an idea popped into my head, do something a boyfriend would. I took the seaweed soup from her and I blew on it so it’ll cool down faster. While I blew on the seaweed soup I heard a camera snapshot. I turned and saw she had taken a photo of me.
“I want to capture our day together. I hope that you’re not camera-shy,” she said cheerfully. Once the seaweed soup was cool enough, I fed her carefully. She asked me “What are we doing for today?” I told her that “it’s a surprise.” We finally finished the seaweed soup by 9:00 AM. It shouldn’t have taken that long but we were talking about dreams and birthdays. I washed the dishes while she got ready for our date.
“Hey honey,” I said to her when she came into the kitchen. We didn’t burst out laughing but instead, we smiled and we tried to make it feel less cringy. “We are going morning shopping for clothes,” I said. I knew that she loved to shop a lot and if we go in the morning, the stores wouldn’t be crowded. “Wait, we’re going shopping? With what money?” She asked. I pulled out my wallet from my back pocket and said “Grandma gave me some allowance and my parents sent me some extra money too. Don’t worry about money today. We’ll have enough for everything we’re doing today.” I said as we walked to the nearest mall.
Along the way, we saw other couples holding hands and we made eye contact with each other. It was sudden. It crept up on me without me knowing it; I began freaking out. I felt my body begin to rise in temperature and my heartbeat increased. It was only natural, right? I’ve never had a girlfriend before so I was nervous. I noticed that she was shy about holding hands as well, so I finally manned up after a few minutes of contemplation. I held her hand first. My heart skipped a beat and I began to feel a bit lightheaded. She closed the small gap between us and hugged my whole arm while we walked. I noticed how warm and soft her hand was. “Hey, smile over here.” She said to me. I turned to my right and she had the camera in selfie mode. We smiled for a photo and we continued to the mall.
We arrived at the mall and she began to look for a couple of tees and accessories. I told her that she could shop for clothes and anything else she likes. I’m not much of a shopping person. I enjoy shopping but I’m not crazy about it either. I shop only when necessary. I was filled with joy seeing her be so full of energy doing something she likes. It’s such a rewarding look. Her face every time she finds something cute or something in her fashion taste.
I took the camera from her and I took photos of her the whole time she shopped. One of her classmates saw us and asked her if we were dating. I got red-faced. We agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend for one day but I didn’t want to force her to say yes because we are only dating for one day. She said “Yes, he’s my boyfriend.” without hesitation. I was amazed and grateful for her quick reply. We shopped for about two hours. She was able to get all the clothes she wanted. After we got done shopping and paying for everything, it was 12:00 PM.
We were both hungry from all the shopping, so we went to a nearby restaurant. I chose a restaurant specializing in spicy food because I knew she loved spicy food. To be honest, I can’t handle spicy food very well but it’s not about me. It’s about seeing her smiling and having a great time. We got seated and we ordered boba drinks with our spicy curry. While we waited for our food I asked her if she enjoyed our date so far. She says “Yes.” and thanks me for buying her the clothes and taking her out to eat. Before our food came, she made us take a photo together in our couple’s clothing.
“Hey I have a question I want to ask you,” she asked. “Sure go ahead,” I replied. “If you had to move away from everybody you know and live in a different country because you’re pursuing your dream. Would you still leave everyone you know to pursue your dreams?” She asked me. I was a bit shocked by her question. I thought about it for a few seconds before I gave her my honest answer. “To pursue my dream? But that means leaving everybody I know? I would still do it. Because if I don’t take the opportunity to pursue my dream, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. It’s a very difficult question to answer, it may be a black-and-white answer for some people but you have to consider a lot of different things. I would miss my friends, family, and everyone else that’s important to me. But I would still take that opportunity.” I replied.
“What if you have to leave someone you love?” she suddenly asked. My eyes widen a bit. Why is she asking these questions? “Well, that depends on the person they love. If the person they love supports them and respects their decisions then it’s simple.” I replied. “It’s simple?” she said. “I mean it’s simple for me personally. If I were to make that kind of decision, I would let them go to pursue their dreams. Because who am I to stand in their way?” I said. She was thinking deeply about the words I just said. I asked her “Why are you asking these questions?”
She said that one of her friends is moving away and her friend asked her these questions. She was curious as to how I would respond to the question. We talked a bit about the clothes she got, and our food arrived. She wanted to show me something about her food. She ended up spilling some of the liquid from her plate. I chuckled a bit and I took a photo of her mess before helping her clean up.
She’s so clumsy. Maybe even clumsier than me. But that’s one of her charms. Luckily, none of the curries splashed onto her clothes. I asked the waiter for extra napkins and I helped clean up the spillage. After that little incident, we began eating. As soon as I took that first bite, I knew that it would be very difficult to hide that I disliked spicy food.
I haven’t even swallowed the food yet. Just the contact of the spicy food on my tongue is messing me up. My whole tongue became numb. My forehead began to sweat profusely. She started to notice my facial and body reactions. She asked me if I was okay and I said “Yeah, I’m totally fine while smiling.” Only to cough after swallowing my first bite of curry. She just gave me that look like “Bruh, I know you’re lying.” She took the opportunity to take a photo of me being miserable.
“Thank you for trying to be tough and brave while eating spicy food with me.” She tried to comfort me. She came to my side and patted my back while telling me to drink my boba tea. It was a good thing there was a lot of milk in the boba tea. I was starting to get heat sweats.
“Since you can’t eat spicy food. I’ll just feed you some rice instead. You fed me this morning so let me feed you this time.” she said.
So, there we were. She fed me rice and I fed her the spicy death curry. We ate for an hour, and talked about our favorite foods and why we liked them. After eating, we went to watch a horror movie. By now it’s 1:30 PM. When she said horror movie, I died a bit inside. I’m a coward when it comes to scary or horror films, but I knew that she liked these types of films so I didn’t mind. Plus, what am I afraid of when I have her by my side? This was the perfect opportunity to act tough in front of her… even if I’m scared of scary movies. That was my thought before the film started to play. Once the movie began, I gave up on my plan. Instead, it went something like this.
Not one of my proudest moments in life. Surprisingly we didn’t get kicked out of the theater. The movie took about 2 hours. Yes, I screamed for the first 5 minutes and then I passed out. I woke up again around the middle of the movie. My head was resting on her shoulder. I didn’t move because I didn’t want to disturb her from watching the movie. Toward the end of the movie, she realized I was awake.
I lifted my head and suddenly the scariest scene of the movie popped up with music that made the hairs on my back rise up. I gave one last panic scream. It was 4:00 PM now. We went to a karaoke lounge to sing and dance because she was feeling restless from sitting down for the past 4 hours. We sang and danced until 6:00 PM. We had one last song before we left and she said that she wanted a slow dance song. I took her hand and we danced together slowly enjoying each other’s presence.
I decided to finish our date by spending some time together at a nearby park. We went to a secret spot where no one could find us. It was a remote spot in the park that wasn’t visited frequently. “I hope that you enjoyed our date today, and sorry for being so loud in the theater,” I said to her woefully. “Hey don’t be like, cheer up. It’s totally fine. You sacrificed a lot today by doing the things you dislike for me. I’m really touched.” She responded. That eased my mind more about our day together. We sat down on a nearby bench and watched people walk by.
“Hey Yuuki, there’s been something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time.” She said to me. My heart began to pound. “It’s not what I think it is…?” I said to myself. “I’m leaving Japan soon. I’ve been cast by JYP Entertainment as a trainee to become a Korean pop idol.” She said to me sadly. That was the total opposite of what I was expecting. I was speechless. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but then I remembered. “She was destined for something greater.” The questions she had asked me earlier at the restaurant, this was it. I essentially told her to pursue her dreams and forget about me. I was mad at myself but then I was glad at the same time. If I had to find out like this I don’t know if I will have the strength to say those words I told her earlier at the restaurant.
I disregarded away the negative feeling I initially had about her moving to South Korea. “That’s great. See? I told you that you were destined for something big. When do you leave?” I asked her cheerfully in hopes she wouldn’t notice. “I leave in two days. My parents already knew that’s why they’d been running errands, getting everything prepared for my departure. That’s why I’ve had so much free time to hang out with you.” She replied. “I really enjoyed being your girlfriend today. Thank you so much for everything you did for me today.” She said.
I wasn’t going to be able to hold back the tears. I quickly told her “Can you wait for three minutes? I need to get something really quickly, and I’ll be back. I promise.” I told her. She nodded, and I sprinted for the music shop. I went into an alley by the music shop and I cried silently to myself. I bit my hand to stop myself from crying out loud. The thoughts of not being able to see her anymore flooded my mind. My body felt numb and I was unable to move. I forced myself to move and I entered the music shop. I came back to her and she was still sitting there waiting for me.
I took off the jacket she got for me earlier and gave it to her, so she wouldn’t catch a cold. I could tell that she cried a bit too. Her eyes were watery and her cheeks were reddish. “I wanted to sing a song to you since I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to do this again. It’s not only a song for you but it’s also for that future person that you’ll fall in love with” I said. “Is that why you went and bought that guitar?” She asked. I nodded, and I began to sing to her.
“You know what’s funny? The summer solstice is supposed to be the longest day of the year… but the whole day went by a blur. While I was singing, she cried, her hand covering her mouth hoping that she wouldn’t scream because of the sadness. Tears were also coming down my face. I couldn’t continue singing. My emotions overcame me. I fell apart crying. The next thing that happened, shocked the hell out of me. She leaned in towards me and she kissed me… it’s as if the whole world stopped and slowed down to a standstill. Do you know what’s weird? The whole day felt long and it did last long but our kiss, felt like the longest activity we did together that day. I didn’t prepare a going-away present, so I gave her the guitar as a present. She took it and thanked me for the guitar.
I walked her home since it was getting dark. We walked in silence while holding hands. I was cherishing these last few minutes I will ever have with her. We arrived at her house and we said our goodbyes. We agreed to meet up with each other tomorrow at our secret spot. I got home and I slept until it was time to go to our secret spot. I arrived there and I saw that she was already sitting there waiting for me. I sat down with her and we took in the beautiful view that was in front of us. I turned to leave to get us something to eat and drink and I only walked a few steps until I was stopped.
She said to me “I changed my mind, please don’t leave me. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t know what I was thinking that I was able to leave you and everyone behind. Let’s be together forever. I’m afraid that if I leave, I’ll never get to see you again.” I swallowed the words I truly wanted to say “Yes, let’s run away. Let’s go live together where no one can find us.” I wanted to say that but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. I thought she had come to terms with letting me go. I loved that idea… but I was committed to making sure that she wasn’t going to let anything stop her from following her dreams. Even if that meant protecting her from herself. I told her “Whenever or wherever that may be. Let’s meet again after you rocked the stage and lived out your dream. So go, and keep living on with your life. We’ll meet up in the future. I’ll treat you really well then, I’ll love you properly, like a real boyfriend.”
“Does this girl have a name? You’ve been telling me this story and situation, but you’ve never mentioned her name?” Asked the therapist. Tears began to fall down my face. “That’s the worst part, I don’t remember her name. I got into a car accident one week after she left for South Korea. I remember everything we did together, the times we spent together, the words we exchanged. But, I don’t remember her name. Her parents moved, and Grandma passed away in a car crash. My phone was lost in the crash as well.” I replied. “You came in here today saying that you’re having trouble expressing your feelings. I think that the best way for you to express your feelings is what you would say about your experience with her and what you wish for her in life.” The therapist told me.
“The little time we spent together meant so much to me. It gave a happiness I didn’t think I deserved. I should’ve loved you more during that time. And love you in a way that doesn’t make you cry from my immaturity. You’re going to do amazing and you’re going to positively impact people’s lives.” I replied. I left the therapist’s office and I went home. Once I got inside my house my mother told me that a package arrived for me. The package didn’t have the name of who sent it. I noticed strings when I opened the package. It’s the guitar I gave her. There was a letter fell out from the package, then a camera and a packet of photos. I opened the letter and held it in one hand and held the photos in the other. The camera fell out and played the recorded video. The video and the letter synced up perfectly.
Dear Ommna Ueda,
It feels weird writing a letter to someone you were just with… You’re the worst. Being so mean to me when we first met each other. But I understood why after you told me. You deserved to get caked in the face. You’re so brave, you really are. I realize that for our day together as boyfriend and girlfriend, you planned the whole day to do the things I liked. And I’m really grateful to you for doing that. It goes to show how selfless you really are. The seaweed soup you made for me was delicious, I never knew that you could cook. That’s such boyfriend material, although I wish I could’ve seen you in an apron. My heart skipped a beat when you held my hand. I was a bit shocked but I liked how you took the initiative. The couple tees we wore were so comfy and cute. Sorry for shopping for so long, you must’ve been so tired from carrying all the shopping bags.
I’m sorry for lying to you when I asked you about the questions. I was going to ask you what you would do in that situation but I didn’t have the chance to ask because you already answered it. I hope that you didn’t get a stomachache from eating the spicy curry. You look like you were going to faint after that first bite. I hope that you weren’t too scared of the horror movie. I enjoyed seeing your reactions more than the movie itself. Thank you for encouraging me more when I told you about South Korea. I want you to keep the guitar. So that one day you can sing for me again. Stay safe, be healthy, and try not to push away people from yourself okay?
You’ll always be my babe and I’ll always be your baby… I’m crying right now while writing this letter. I wonder how long I will remain in your heart? Was I someone who can trigger cheerful and happy memories for you? How much will you remember me? I’m glad that it was you who I fell in love with. I hope this letter reaches you. You better keep that promise you made to me. I forgive you for what you did. I hope that you can forgive me. I’m sorry I caked you. I’m sorry for being so selfish. I’m so, so, so sorry. Thank you for everything and goodbye…
Your Girlfriend,
Rainey Azil
The photos were arranged in order of the things we did together from our date. Once I got to a part in the letter I dropped one of the photos to reveal the next scene of our date. I dropped down to my knees and I wept. Once Yuuki saw the name, all his memories became clearer. The video on the camera finished playing the letter and the next video broke Yuuki’s soul. When Sana came in and kissed Yuuki, she dropped the camera, and the record button was pressed when it hit the ground. The angle that the camera landed on was perfect. It captured Yuuki and Sana in their moment together, holding the kissing pose.
Yuuki’s heart began to cause him pain and with all the emotions that were flooding his mind. Yuuki hadn’t fully recovered from the car crash. He passed out with the memory of him and Sana kissing imprinted in his mind. Yuuki lay faced down motionless, he was both happy and sad. “I’m sorry Sana, it looks like I’ll see you in the next life. I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep the promise I made to you. I’ll make sure to make it up to you in the next life. He was happy though, happy that he was able to remember her name. Rainey Azil.
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
Author’s Note: This was a paper I wrote in high school and the quotes I used in this paper are from Journey to the East by Hermann Hesse [these are edits I made from his quotes]. This paper has a lot of informal writing and is about a part of my high school experience.
9 Minutes Read
“The best of these experiences really worth relating are those which reflect the spirit of it.”
They weren’t kidding when they said that high school was going to fly by very quickly. Honestly, who would’ve thought that? Even uttering those words as a freshman was laughable. Thinking back on those words, I wished that I would’ve taken that statement more seriously. Nevertheless, here we are… less than one week before my classmates and I graduate. For my classmates and I, I liked to think that for us all to get through high school, it was something that we were “[destined] to join in” and whether it was a “great experience” or a terrible one, it was a journey that we had to go through. From this journey, we could learn and find out more about ourselves, what our tendencies are, how we act in certain situations, etc. Everyone has their own goals, aspirations, and promises, that they want to fulfill in their time in high school. Entering high school, I had some goals in my mind that I wanted to achieve. In no order; maintain a 3.0 GPA, finish school and commit to a four-year university, don’t fail or drop any of my classes, etc. Most of which were trivial goals. Most goals, aspirations, and promises can be achieved by how much effort is committed to them. Effort wise for my dedication to my goals, I would say that I stayed dedicated to those goals until I failed or achieved them. I won’t make any excuses for the ones that I couldn’t achieve. Am I disappointed in myself? Yeah, I am, but at one point I decided “whatever happens” I would just let it be. Not everything that a person wants to achieve can be accomplished. “Even if I” was given “ten” or “a hundred” chances to relive my “difficult” journey, I truly believe that I will “always arrive at the same cul-de-sac.” I would be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t intrigued by the results of my journey if I would’ve taken a different path, but there was a reason for me to be on this particular path, I just haven’t figured out yet on why I chose this path.
My journey was eventful, to say the least. One event that I’ll never ever forget was the opportunity and time I spent in New York City with my fellow choir members in my sophomore year. We spent five days and four nights, and in that short time span, I truly realized what it meant to be a part of something better and bigger than myself. Words can’t describe the emotions that I felt during those times. We all were connected by a special bond of knowing that we achieved something that is so rare to find and create, we were a family. And yes, we do have a Chico High family, but, this was something that was even more special than that. For us all, we had one common goal that united the whole choir. “They are just a choir,” is how some people would simply see us as. But the bonds that I created with those seniors and juniors that year told me a different story. One incident solidified for me why I considered them my family. On the night before graduation in my sophomore and junior year after “I turned out the light” and “went to [lay on my] bed”, I couldn’t sleep. I stayed awake thinking, wow… After graduation tomorrow, they’ll be gone. I probably will never see some of them ever again. They gave me so much joy in my life and the thought of continuing high school “without [them and their] enthusiasm” was disheartening to the point where I wept. I was selfish in wanting them to stay, which I don’t have an entitled right to but I felt like with the seniors and juniors leaving, “[my journey] itself seemed in a mysterious way [lost some of its] meaning.”
How will people remember me? This honestly feels like self-bragging and I’ve come to the realization that sometimes we don’t talk enough about the positives in ourselves and focus too much on the negatives. It’s hard, honestly. I think that people who know me will remember that I was a kind, generous, and genuine friend/person. I believe that I really was selfless, ninety-five percent of the time I would prioritize another person’s well-being instead of mine. Now you are probably asking why? What benefits do you get from that? Doesn’t that leave you able to be used and harmed? I did it because that’s just the type of person I am. This is ironic considering my father isn’t the greatest of people and I practically grew up without one even though he was around the house. My mother, well my first time ever getting to see her in my life was during the summer after my freshmen year. What little information I could gather after I visited her, made the idea of me being nice, a little less ironic.
To answer the second question above, yes it did leave me in a vulnerable place to be used and potentially be harmed, you may think that I am lying but I couldn’t care less. Of course, I won’t help you anymore if you break my trust or did something that I didn’t like and I won’t be someone who you could rely on. But I said that I couldn’t care less because there once comes a point when you’ve been hurt so many times that it sorts of becomes normal. You may be thinking, what in the heck are you talking about? Trust me on this, I’m going to turn nineteen in less than twenty days. During these short eighteen years that I’ve lived through, I experienced things that would make a person kill themselves to stop the pain and struggle that they must deal with constantly. Now I understand that everybody has a different type of struggle that they must go through and that’s reasonable. I too, like many others believe that their own struggle was unique and different. It’s such an indescribable pain when you somehow get betrayed by almost every close person you associated yourself with within such a short time period. But enough of this, the mood is starting to get too sulky and unwanted.
“All human beings have three faces, one they show to friends, teachers, and acquaintances, another one for family, and one face they never show/share with anyone.” That is what a wise man once told me. This saying has stuck with me for a very long time and it has been proven true multiple times throughout my life, hearing this statement and seeing it happen. The more I thought about it and the more I saw it happened, I was convinced that it was true but the wise man never told me if the third face was a positive or negative one? The way I acted in school was the same way I acted outside of school. Would I still act the same way as I do now in the future? No, “what!”, well change happens and it’s inevitable, but I would want people to know me like how people in high school knew me. I still want to be that kind, generous, and reliable friend/person. I’ll change in some aspects but I know it within myself that they won’t be bad things/changes. Of course, there will always be the “three faces” type of deal but I still want to remain as genuine as possible. Being this type of person has been beneficial for most of my life. I don’t have people who I would consider my enemies, I’ve surrounded myself with a great group of friends, and people really appreciate the type of person I am. Overall, I would want to remain as much of myself as possible.
With every journey, there needs to be a reflection. A reflection back on the journey that you’ve undertaken and see if you’ve made an impact. I truly don’t believe that I didn’t do anything that impacted other people. Or this is just me being humble but I honestly didn’t do anything special. Sure, I did four years of volleyball and four years in choir but that wasn’t anything special. Yes, I did both student government and Sac Street boys both in the same year but that’s not special. I was picked as one of the students to receive an award on Thursday night who teachers have recommended students that they deem have been a positive impact on the staff or the school. And I am very grateful for that, never thought that I would receive an award for simply being nice. In my own opinion, I don’t think that I impacted the school in any significant way. If anything, I can only believe it by my own self-given validation. I wasn’t a very artistic person, wasn’t the best player on the court, nor was I the best singer in the choir, not to mention not even one of the smartest students in my graduating class. I was just a “regular” student who didn’t want to disappoint himself, his peers, or his teachers. What I would consider someone as an impactful individual is someone who will be remembered for a very long time. Most students will be forgotten by their teachers, I’m just like them, after a short period of time everyone will be forgotten, and the only ones who will be remembered, are the impactful ones.
Oh my god is it over? Less than five more days before this journey truly ends, but when one door closes, another one opens. Now I can use this. “I was overcome by an infinite weariness and desire to sleep, and I turned away [from the computer] to find [my bed] and sleep [for a couple of hours before I have to finish my journey].”
“He who travels far will often see things far removed from what he believed was the truth.”
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would give me feedback on what you enjoyed and what you didn’t. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to comment or email me too! Thank you.
On October 20th, I went on a retreat with the Hmong Student Association to Sycamore Groove in Red Bluff. I joined the Hmong Student Association club at CSU, Chico at the beginning of the semester. For this blog, I wanted to write about a place where I felt most comfortable. You may be wondering, why are you writing about your retreat or Sycamore Groove when it’s not even a place you frequently visit? I’m writing about my experience of the retreat because it was a place where I felt most comfortable so far in my college experience. When the idea of going to the HSA retreat was brought up in the first general meeting in HSA, I signed up to go without hesitation. I didn’t know it at the time but would become one of the best experiences of my life. It’s my first time going camping in Sycamore Groove and it was like nothing I ever expected. When I thought about going camping, I imagined being out in the wild but that wasn’t the case when I arrived at the campsite. This was also my first time going camping, so I had no idea what it was going to be like. But as the days became closer to the day of the retreat, I began to feel less comfortable going because the week of the retreat, it was an extremely busy week for me. I had to go to a mandatory job fair held for EOP students, studying for midterm and other school-related things. Plus, I also had homework that was due for my class over the weekend. I still ended up going because I just said, “fuck it” and I’ll take the L for the assignment (I still managed to finish the assignment on Sunday night when we returned from the retreat).
The HSA retreat members and I went camping in Sycamore Groove for three days (October twentieth – twentieth second). At the beginning of the retreat, I only knew a couple of people who went to the retreat. We arrived at the campsite around six pm and everyone was tasked with different jobs. The men began setting up the three tents and the women began cooking dinner. After setting up the tents, half of the HSA officers took over cooking dinner and the other half led the retreat members in icebreaker activities to have everyone more comfortable with each other. It was a lot quicker than I imagined for everyone to be comfortable and social with each other. After the icebreaker activities, it got dark super quick and it was beginning to be cold, very cold (I hate the cold and rain… a lot, fortunately, it didn’t rain). For some reason seeing the night being pitch black, reminded me somewhat of the walking dead, like how a zombie could just pop out of nowhere and the difficulty of seeing in the dark.
After eating Hmong soup for dinner and socializing for three to four hours. We gathered into the men’s tent and roasted each other for two hours and by the time we finished, it was around one in the morning. We said good night to each other and went to sleep. The next morning, I volunteered to be part of the breakfast crew and we were supposed to wake up at seven and have breakfast prepared by eight-thirty. That didn’t happen, sleep was more important for the breakfast crew. I woke up around six and Kenji and I went to the men’s bathroom to wash up and get ready for the day. The showers in Sycamore Groove were neat and the hot water was heaven. Once my body contacted the hot water, I did not want to get out of the shower at all. That took me thirty to forty minutes to get ready in the morning. After getting dressed, Kenji and I went back to the campsite to help prep breakfast. Cleaning and cutting potatoes was what I was mostly doing in the morning. Around eight when everyone started getting up. We ate and then continued with the planned activities the HSA officers had planned.
My favorite individual part of the retreat was the free time we had before lunch when we could rest or explore the area. I explored the area by the river only. It was very calm and peaceful there. I took that opportunity to sing, I haven’t really had the chance to just sing and not care about anything else in the world. I sang for about thirty to forty minutes and it was very relaxing. I sang songs from high school and other hit songs. The rest of the retreat went by in a blur and I couldn’t believe how fast it went by. But every moment was worth it, I made new friends and I’m very grateful for the experience I had in that short time. (820)
Before writing this blog, I need to go back a bit and explain some things, so you won’t be too confused about why and what I’m writing about. For my University 101 class, we have a semester-long project called the Guidebook Project. This guidebook project is to have a group of students write informative things about a particular place. The place that my group and I wanted to research and find out more about was the Study Abroad Office. After researching the study abroad office for the majority of the semester, my guidebook group and I will present our research and findings in a symposium to spectators. That is why for the past blogs (four – seven) I’ve only written about the study abroad office or things that are related to it. For commitment and accountability purposes my group and I have developed a set of rules to help us stay on track until our symposium on December fifth.
I’ll begin with the rules that we’ve come up with. Our rules are; communication (as a whole we decided that our lack of communication has really affected our ability to work cohesively, we must let each other know when things are due in case of forgetfulness, and reminders when we are meeting up), participation (my group and I decided it’s important that everyone carries their weight as much as possible, participate is a must, our group can’t rely too much for one or two people to do most of the work, everyone’s contribution is important), show up to our group meetings (we have decided to meet up every two weeks until our symposium on December fifth, showing up is a must, an obligation, not an option, unless an emergency emerges, my group and I must be at our meetings), hold each other accountable for their actions and lack of action (a consequence for not being able to show up to the meetings is the member(s) owes the group lunch or Dutch bros, I came up with this rule to give some type of motivation to not flake out on meetings), everyone must have the latest blog post done by the next meeting (in order to produce good work for the guidebook, the whole groups’ travel blogs have to be polished and done to have good content), and the last rule is knock off ten – twenty points off of one group member’s grade if they don’t show up to the meetings.
Essentially it’s a double penalty for someone who can’t make it to the meeting. We understand that extreme shit happens but communicate that with us before that they won’t be able to be there at the meeting. Nate came up with the last rule, it was added a day or two after because in case if someone can afford to pay for lunch, they might be more inclined to not show up to the meeting, this way they know that their grade won’t be too salvageable if they don’t show up. On the timeline, Mattie has mapped out the days we will work on our guidebook and when things are due. Everyone has a photo of the timeline and rules on their phone. We had our first group meeting on the second of this month, and our next two meetings are on the sixteenth and thirtieth of this month. Mattie has also listed when blog posts are due. Overall, we want each other to succeed and pass this class, and I know that I’ve been in a slump lately. I’m slowly getting out of it and getting my shit together so that I don’t let down my group. More importantly, so I don’t let down myself, so I won’t have regrets later on.
After visiting the study abroad info session, I made an appointment to see one of the study abroad advisors for November six. During the info session, we were introduced to four study abroad programs, USAC, IP, AIFS, and Direct Exchange. USAC and AIFS aren’t based in California so CSU students like myself won’t be able to use state grants to fund our study abroad expenses. USAC and AIFS are both “first come first serve” bases. The available options for a student that is looking to USAC, the available options are one semester, winter, summer, or a yearlong abroad. IP is the official study abroad program at CSU, Chico. It’s more competitive to get in because you are competing against other CSU students from all campuses. IP is a yearlong program, there aren’t any other options available. With Direct Exchange, it’s basically a CSU student swapping places with another student in a different country affiliated with CSU, Chico. The two students will swap places, meaning the CSU student will go to that country and the student from that country will come here to CSU, Chico. The only problem with this is that there must be a student who wants to come over.
All the programs offer different amounts and varieties of benefits. Even though my education is mostly funded by Financial Aid, I decided to meet with the USAC advisor because the USAC program offers, more of a hands-on experience and I don’t really want to mess up my experience abroad. My appointment was scheduled at two-twenty pm with Cecilia Lapolli. I arrived at two- ten pm and I checked in with the front desk. I sat down and observed the waiting once more. There weren’t a lot of students present again just like the other time I was previously in the office. I didn’t have to wait long before Cecilia came out to greet me.
We greeted each other and headed to her office, where she asked me when and where I wanted to study abroad. I answered with South Korea and that I wanted to go in my junior year. We discussed a little about my financial aid and how long I wanted to go. We looked at all the available scholarships that are for study abroad students. Through that discussion, we agreed that the IP program will be most beneficial to me. We looked through the IP program and found that there are two universities that are available for studying abroad in. Yonsei and Kookmin are the two available universities. For the IP program, there are some requirements that a student has to meet before applying for the IP program; students must have a 3.0 GPA, year of departure must be either a junior or senior, and have no records/incidents with student judicial affairs. After going through the general things, Cecilia asked me if I have any additional questions.
I said yes and proceeded to interview her on some questions I had previously made before coming to the appointment. I first asked her what is an obstacle most students face when they go study abroad? Cecilia replied that the most frequent thing students experience is culture shock. I asked more about culture shock and whether is it an immediate thing or does it take time to develop? She answered that it is different with every student, some could happen as soon as they land in the country and some could happen months later. Next, I asked what financial difficulties do students face when dealing with payments to the University or USAC? Cecilia replied that the most common difficulty that a student experiences financially is meeting deadlines when things are due. One of the questions I asked was do I need to attend another info session next year as well. She said that students only need to go to one info session and then they are registered into the system. I asked what is a peer advisor and how do I set up a meeting with a peer advisor? Cecilia explained that peer advisors are more knowledgeable in the specific area that a student may want to go to than a study abroad advisor might know. Meeting with an advisor is more about academics and general stuff. We finished up the meeting and I left the office feeling more confident in studying abroad.
Aside from having to visit the study abroad office for classwork. I plan to go study abroad during my time in college. The year I plan to go study abroad is my junior year. I plan to be in South Korea for a whole year, that’s in 2019/20. I started researching about studying abroad and I found out that in order to have an appointment with a study abroad advisor, a student must attend a study abroad info session before arranging an appointment with a study abroad advisor. In a way, this is an extension of the study abroad office. The study abroad information sessions are offered every week except holidays, dead week, and finals week. The info sessions are available on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Each day is available at different times. On Tuesdays, the info session is from four–five pm. On Wednesdays, the info session is from five–six pm. On Thursdays, the info session is from eleven am – twelve pm. And on Fridays, the info session is from two–three pm. All info sessions are located in room 410 in the Student Service Center.
The purpose of the info session is exactly how it sounds. It is to inform students about studying abroad in a more detailed way than a booth at a fair or other place. The info session informs students about what study abroad programs and sites are available through CSU, Chico, how to get classes and units to count toward their major, minor, and/or G.E., the ways to finance their semester or year abroad, the possible and best majors, minors or upper division classes for Study Abroad, how the application process is for each program. After attending the info session, everything that I’ve listed is mentioned and answered at the study abroad info session.
I went to the info session with my friend Peter. We went to the info session on Friday, November third. I expected there to be a handful of students but then I forgot that it was Friday and students don’t want to stay on campus much the day before the weekend. I also forgot that it was November too, which means that most students probably attended an info session earlier in the year. There were only about six or seven students present at the one I went to (not including myself and my friend). We sat down, and the info session coordinator explained to us the timeline of what was going to happen in the following hour.
The info session starts off with greetings and an attendance sheet that is passed around (you don’t have to arrange an appointment to come to an info session, you just have to show up when it is available). After signing in, we watched a twenty-minute video about studying abroad. The video consisted of students being interviewed about their trip abroad, study abroad advisors speaking about the different programs, and the pros and cons of studying abroad. Once the video is done playing, the coordinator begins a presentation about studying abroad in a more in-depth model and goes over information that may not have been mentioned in the video. The presentation lasted for about thirty minutes, and in the last five minutes, the coordinator has the students go up to the front and grab pamphlets, brochures, etc on studying abroad. The coordinator advises that we should set up an appointment with one of the study abroad advisors in the following weeks. With that, the info session ended.
My fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh blogs will be about the Study Abroad Office in CSU, Chico I will write about my experiences when I visit the study abroad office and the interactions I have with the students and faculties there. Before my classmates and I visited the study abroad office, we first visited the study abroad fair out in front of the Bell Memorial Union. The fair is to spread information to students, passers buyers, and staff about studying abroad. Most of the booths there were led and accompanied by student peer advisors. We split up and went to converse with different peer advisors that were present there. We didn’t stay too long because after talking with one peer advisor, we agreed that there isn’t any need to talk with other peer advisors. We came to that conclusion because most of the information that we are given is regurgitated information from each person besides the peer advisors’ experience from studying abroad.
We left the study abroad fair and went to the study abroad office instead. I visited the study abroad office with two members of my guidebook group. Jackie and Nate. We got to the study abroad office around eleven-twenty. The study abroad office is located on the fourth floor of the Student Service Center. The easiest way to get to the office is by elevator, unless you want to exercise then I would recommend using the stairs. As of now, the only other organization that is on the fourth floor is Educational Talent Search, also known as ETS. The office didn’t have a lot of students present when we first arrived, most likely still attending the study abroad fair. The office’s entrance is a double door that is propped all the way open. The doors are decorated with flyers, drawings, information, and other stuff about studying abroad.
We spoke with the person that was stationed at the front desk and explained that we were there to conduct research on the office and to see if we would be able to speak with someone who was knowledgeable about the history of the study abroad office. We were told to have a seat while she went to see if any of the study-abroad advisors were available for interviews. The waiting room is small and doesn’t have a lot of available seats to occupy. There are eight to nine seats, give or take on that. Across the front desk, there is an advisor? I wasn’t quite sure what and who they were. The advisor was talking with a student about Spain. I didn’t want to eavesdrop so much, instead, I focused on what was around us. We sat there observing the area for about five minutes. During that five minutes, there was an influx of students coming in and out of the study abroad office. Some exited the office from their appointments with advisors and some came into the office to arrange an appointment.
The front desk recipient came back and told us that the study abroad advisors are busy at the moment and that their availability during the day is from one-two pm and five-six pm during the weekdays. We said our thank you and left the office. It was unproductive, to be honest. Before we left, each one of us took selfies as proof of our visitation and exited the office.
Somewhere that used to be very popular with the Hmong community in Chico is 20th Street Park or also known as Chapman Park in Chico, CA. Growing up and throughout my time at Chapman Elementary, my childhood consisted of going to 20th Street Park the whole summer. During the summertime, the majority of the Hmong community would come out to 20th Street Park and socialize with each other. Thinking back to those times, it was really an incredible thing to be a part of and experience. The reason I say that is because nowadays, the park is populated mostly by homeless people, and the Hmong community is not very present there anymore. The reason why the Hmong community isn’t present there anymore is due to many different reasons. Families moving away from Chico, technology, my generation getting older and we don’t have time to go to 20th Street Park anymore to name a few. Back then, from 3pm – 8pm or 9pm, you would be able to witness just how big the Hmong community really is.
20th Street Park isn’t just utilized by the Hmong community. It is part of Chico’s Recreation and Park District, also known as CARD. CARD hosts multiple kinds of sports games, tournaments, and leagues using 20th Street Park. 20th Street Park has vast expanses of lawns, landscaped trees, soccer fields, and baseball diamonds. Its name is a bit of a misnomer, as it’s located at the north end of Whitman Avenue (bordering Highway 99), and is more behind 20th Street than on it. If you like wide open spaces to enjoy your volleyball or tennis, I would highly recommend 20th Street Park. Chico’s largest outdoor sports park, its 30 acres provide courts along with ball fields, a large playground, barbecue grills, picnic tables, and lots of space to just sit and reflect or to read a good book.
When I visited 20th Street Park it was a sad realization of what it used to be for me. Now I mostly just go to the park to play grass volleyball. My friends and I have grown up from playing tag and hide n go seek to sports. It saddens me that younger generations won’t experience the joy of coming out from home, escaping away from technology, and having fun in the park. I saw a great amount of homeless people whenever I go to 20th Street Park. I believe that there will only be more of an increase in homeless presence in the future. I interviewed some people who were there causally walking their dogs, people playing baseball, tennis, volleyball, jogging, and a few homeless people.
What I learned from the interviews was that the park is somewhat of a home to most people who are here. Not just to homeless people but to the athletes as well. I asked the athletes to explain what they meant by it home to them? One of the athletes said that when they are able to step foot on that field and play their sport. Everything in their mind is cleared and they don’t worry about the past, present, or future. We spoke more about park-related things and we ended our conversation by exchanging each other’s names.
Author’s Note: This is the first ever story that I wrote, it is a true story with added fiction. It actually originated from the Twice Amino app. I was in a group chat called ‘Shy Shy Shy’. I was in that chat for about a year chatting with random people and fans of Twice. One night, one of the people in the chatroom was expressing to us about their life and the struggles they were going through. After listening to them share their story, I decided to share this story more in the way of a bedtime story. The version that I shared in TA was the rough draft of this story. It didn’t contain as much detail and emotion as the final version. The true story aspect of this piece is components of my life that I incorporated. I hope you’ll enjoy reading this piece!
30 Minutes Read
To his brother, “Come get me now.” His brother replies, “I can’t, I have a meeting to go to.” “Screw the damn meeting, you told me you would get me later, this is later. Now come get me!” Nelson yelled into his phone. “Call Dad and tell him to pick you up.” Then his brother hangs up. The boy gives up and doesn’t call his father. He stands out in the cold hoping that his brother wouldn’t leave him waiting too long.
“Even if I called Dad, he wouldn’t come get me. Doesn’t my brother realize that we only have one car!?” Time passes. It’s cold, dark, and loud but surprisingly, the night is silent as well. “Where is he?” He looks at his phone and sees it is 8:00 PM. 8:30 PM goes by, 9:30 PM goes by, 10:00 PM. “He’s not coming to get me…” Eyes of death stare at him from far away, he stands there patiently waiting to pounce on the prey. The boy looks at his phone “4 miles away.” Coming to terms that his brother will not come to get him. He begins to walk home. Death follows closely behind him.
“I’m left for dead…” He whispers to himself as he continues his journey home. Death still follows the boy getting more excited with each passing second. “He left me, he CHOSE to leave me… Why do people think he is so great?! He is not my brother, we are too different, and we fight too much. He does not care about me. We do not have that brotherly bond like most people have!” The boy angrily says to himself. Tears began to flow from his eyes and he stopped, frozen due to his emotions. Death takes this opportunity and slowly creeps up right behind him. The boy felt death’s hand on his shoulders, he heard the sound of a knife being unsheathed from death’s belt. The knife was brought up right next to his neck.
Time froze with the boy staring up at the teary night sky. In this moment he thought about all his past mistakes, his regrets, his wishes, his pleads, and his aspirations. At this moment, he saw future versions of ghosts that resembled himself appear coming down towards him. The ghosts were angry and mad at him that he would allow something so insignificant to affect him.
Everything the boy had experienced in life, the ghosts were enraged that this little incident was what brought down their savior. They were enraged that they came to him and he was throwing them away because he was the one going to bring them life and utilize them to their fullest potential. Time resumes, and Nelson closes his eyes and braces for the incoming knife wound. Nothing happens.
Death retreats before Nelson opens his eyes. Nelson looks around and finds death is nowhere to be found. He checks himself, nothing is gone and he still has everything. He was not stabbed by the knife that death had with him. Nelson continues to cry. “If I were to die tonight, no one would care. No one will know. What is the point of living this life?! This life where weakness is only present and the storm never passes…” Nelson asked himself.
Nelson looks at his phone, it is now 11:00 PM. “I will cut through the park and save some time.” Nelson stops by the pool and admires the giant pool in the park. “The pool in the park appears calm and peaceful.” Death reappears and stares at Nelson some more with those dark, cold, and hungry eyes. Nelson continues to think about his brother, his life, about dying and tears flood his eyes again. A thought comes to his mind. “Maybe, I should drown myself and end this wretched life.”
Nelson slowly walks towards the pool. He stares at the 3-foot warning on the ground, and he walks along the edge of the pool. 5-feet, 6-feet, 7-feet. “This is deep enough.” He told himself. Death stares with a blank face, not believing what he is seeing. Nelson looks at his phone and says quietly “I love you. Tonight, this is how my story ends.” As he stares at the still water, he notices something in the water. The future ghosts have returned, and they slowly begin to wrench him into the water as vengeance upon him.
Before he hits the water, the last thing he hears is an item dropping on the ground. Surprisingly, inside the pool, it felt nice. It is silent, calm, and dark with the water engulfing him. It is as if he entered another world. Somehow, being in the water feels like a mother’s embrace. A feeling he never truly had felt. The voices of the ghosts surround him and eventually, their voices overlap, and it becomes silent as they drown out each other. Nelson felt his body become lifeless and numb. He decided he needed to sleep and rest for a very long time. Nelson closes his eyes and accepts the opportunity to rest and he dreams.
(Insides Nelson’s dream) “Where am I?” Nelson was standing next to a Dutch Bros shop. He was looking around confused about why he was brought to Dutch Bros when he saw a dream version of himself driving away from Dutch Bros. He followed the car back to his school. Dream Nelson was surrounded by his friends whom he called ‘brothers’. “I miss my brothers, they brought me joy and love during a time when I couldn’t love myself,” Nelson said as he watched his dream self smiling and laughing with his brothers. “Well Nelson, it’s time, are you ready?” Ausen asked. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, what is the worst that can happen? She says no?” said Nelson. “Well, do you have a backup plan at least?” Divan asked.
“Nope, I’m just gonna go in there and do my best and hope she says yes,” Nelson said with a smile. “I got a text from Cis. It said that she is in class today. Let’s go!” said Dream Nelson. “What is going on? More importantly, who is ‘she’ that they are talking about?” said a confused Nelson looking from far away. He followed them to the classroom. “Wait… I know this classroom. Why did I bring Dutch Bros to class with my brothers?” Nelson said confusingly.
Since it was a dream, he walked into the classroom and sat down in the seat with the best view to see what was going to happen. Dream Nelson and his brothers walked into the classroom and he went straight to the most beautiful girl in the room. Now seated, Nelson couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His eyes grew wide and he said “No way, he is not going to do what I think he’s going to do.” As Dream Nelson got closer and closer to her, seated Nelson realized who the girl was.
Her name was Bekah.
“Bekah!?” said Nelson in awe. She was beautiful, but not like those girls you see on your Instagram feeds. She was beautiful in the way she thought and how she worried about others first. She was beautiful for her ability to make other people smile even during times when she was sad. The way her eyes sparkled when she talked about her passion. Her openness and honesty were refreshing. Her exterior was beautiful, however, that was temporary. That was not what I was looking for. She was beautiful, deep down in her soul. She was an HSP, just like me.
With a pounding heart and full hands, Dream Nelson asked her “Will you go to prom with me?” Bekah looked dumbstruck for a split second until her gaze took her eyes to what the top of the drink said. ‘Prom?’ She looked into Dream Nelson’s eyes and with the voice of an angel, she said one magical word. “Yes.” And the room exploded with claps, awes, and cheers.
Nelson saw Dream Nelson’s smile with Bekah in his embrace and he thought to himself, “I asked Bekah Rice to prom?! And she said yes to me? Me…? A person of so many misfortunes and to be this lucky for her to say yes. Wow, that’s amazing… No, don’t give me hope. Don’t show me this happiness only for it to be ripped from me and destroyed. Haven’t you already hurt me enough?” Nelson understood what that meant. He is in the future and he is afraid to experience this future. It will hurt him and change him forever. A bright light overtook the room and blinded everyone. Once the bright light faded, sitting Nelson wasn’t inside the classroom anymore.
Nelson was in a restaurant alone with Dream Nelson, Bekah, and her parents. “I wanted to take photos of you both together before we leave. Look this way and smile please,” said Bekah’s mother. After a long photo shoot, Bekah’s mother was satisfied with the results. “Have a nice dinner, have fun at prom, be safe, and have her home once the dance is over,” said Bekah’s father. “Yes, sir,” said a very nervous Dream Nelson. Nelson was still sitting, and he burst out laughing at his Dream self. “At least even my Dream self is still being respectable and respectful to others.” Once Bekah’s parents left the restaurant, Dream Nelson and Bekah had their dinner.
“Sorry if you feel awkward. The guys were supposed to be here with their dates too, but something happened, and they can’t make it. But everything’s already paid for so don’t worry about paying.” Said Nelson. “Oh, are they okay? Are they hurt?” Said a worried Bekah. “They’re fine, they’ll meet up with us at Prom. That’s what Ausen told me” said the older Nelson. “I have a question for you,” said Bekah. “Sure, ask away,” Dream Nelson replied. “How did you come up with using Dutch Bros to ask me to prom?” said a curious Bekah. “Well, I asked your friends and they told me what you liked and disliked. I noticed one day when you came into class with a Dutch bros drink, so I thought it would be cool if I used it. The people at Dutch Bros actually gave it to me for free when I asked them to write prom on the cap” said Dream Nelson.
“You know, this all feels like a dream right?” Bekah told Dream Nelson. “It does, so I ask that you don’t wake me up from this dream. As it is the only thing I have left of you. And once I wake up, this happy ending will disappear… and you with it.” Dream Nelson said sadly. Nelson smiled, and tears began to fall from his eyes. His Dream self with Bekah, together they looked like the perfect couple. What happened next shocked Nelson.
The restaurant exploded and the whole building was destroyed.
Time passes, and Nelson doesn’t wake up from being in the water. Death starts to get anxious. His curiosity about what happened to Nelson made Death jump into the pool. Nelson is lying on the ground at the bottom of the pool motionless. Death swims to the bottom of the pool towards Nelson and drags him out of the pool. Death throws Nelson on the ground, Nelson is motionless and continues to be asleep. Death places his head on top of Nelson’s chest and he listens for a heartbeat. At first, Death heard nothing which made Death’s eyes grow big and he began to feel excited and he smiled. However, his smile slowly faded, and he became blank again because Death heard the faintest heartbeat from Nelson.
“It looks like it’s not your time yet.” He raised his arm high and made his hand into a fist. With all his might, he brought down his fist straight onto Nelson’s chest. Nelson vomits up a large amount of water and wakes up. Nelson hungrily grasps for air and inhales deeply trying to regain his composure. He is dumbfounded by what happened. What happened to his Dream self and Bekah? Then something clicked in his head, his chest hurt… his eyes widened. Death’s punch to his chest toward his heart was the explosion in his dream. He needed something to shake him enough to wake him up. Once Nelson recovered he ran home, and Death followed him.
Nelson ran until he could not run anymore, he stopped and kneeled. Death catches up to Nelson. Nelson turns to Death and speaks. “Why? Why did you pull me out? I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time sleeping, and it was both happy and sad for me. It was almost like a reverse nightmare. Like when you wake up from a nightmare, “You’re so relieved.” But for me! You woke me back up into my nightmare! I’ve given up on life, I was finally able to let everything go and lay everything to rest! All those that I’ve trusted have betrayed me! All those that I loved and trusted have forsaken me. There’s nothing left for me to live for! I had enough of this world and even if I end my life, it doesn’t matter to the world! What right do you have to pull me out? What fucking right did you have! It’s not your choice! It’s mine! It’s my life! Since you won’t let me die by myself then, you must be the one to kill me! Kill me!
Take my life and relieve me of all the pain I endured in this shitty life! Please, I beg of you…”
Death looks at Nelson and becomes serious. “Why are you so impatient? Death hands him Nelson’s phone and wallet. “You dropped this. You’re only 17, you still have a whole life ahead of you. I know that you’ve experienced a lot of hardships growing up. Some have it harder than you do, and some will never experience what you’ve experienced. You must live and share with others your stories. All the pain and hardships you have endured will make you become someone’s strength. Keep living on with your life, and live with the strong belief that the future will be better than what it is now. I pulled you out because it isn’t your time to leave yet, others are still counting on you. There are still many people you need to enlighten and spread the impact of your voice and love to. You’ve yet to leave your mark in this wretched world. And if you really do want to die and leave everything behind then, go ahead after you have done everything you wanted to do.
Just know that I won’t be there next time. Next time will be the real deal and you won’t be able to take anything back. Next time, I will take you with me, when we see each other then, I know you tell me that you wished to have lived longer. With that said, go and live your life, but I want you to keep it in mind. No one notices your tears, your sadness, nor your pain, but they all will notice your mistakes.” It doesn’t matter how many accomplishments you have, you make one mistake and they will all turn on you. So, live life and always be strong, even in your darkest hour, never falter.
I will provide you with the will and energy to accomplish your goals.”
Nelson suddenly got furious. He turned towards Death “You know my pain? You may know my pain, but you weren’t the one who experienced it! Have you experienced going to bed hungry?! Not because you chose to but because you’re forced to! Knowing that if I ate dinner those nights, I wouldn’t have a meal for breakfast! Have you ever felt guilty about being happy when everyone else in your family was sad?! Have you felt the pain of being betrayed and losing the trust of everyone close to you?! Don’t you dare fucking talk about pain when all you do is take things away and cause misery for everyone!”
After listening to Nelson’s speech and giving his answer and message to Nelson, Death fades away. Nelson looks at his phone, “It’s 12:00 AM already? During all this time, no one even called or texted me. Who else will I ever meet that will call me at this time?” Nelson continues his journey home. A night breeze blows past him, and he shivers due to the coldness of the water. “I always hated the cold. I hate everything about it. The weakness it makes me feel as my body parts become numb and the terrible rain that follows.” Nelson looks at his phone, “2 miles left.” He sees a bench in the distance.
“I’ll rest a bit before going home.” Slowly, Nelson approached the bench. “This doesn’t look right. I don’t remember seeing this bench before in my life. Maybe the park added some extra benches?” Nelson sits on the bench to rest a bit. His eyes feel heavy and he fights to keep them open, but he eventually loses and decides to close them for a second… Or two.
As Nelson was sleeping, something touched his shoulder. Nelson doesn’t react nor does he move. “Wake up, you shouldn’t sleep here. You’ll get a cold.” Said the stranger. Nelson slowly wakes up and looks up to his right. The figure was standing in front of the light pole and Nelson could only see their silhouette. “Mom?” The figure shifts to the side and Nelson sees that it’s not his mother. “Why would I think that she’s mom? It’s not her, she’s somewhere else. She doesn’t even care about me, why would she be here? Maybe I’m going crazy.” Nelson said to himself.
“Don’t sleep here, you’ll catch a cold.” the stranger said again. For Nelson, those words meant something special to him. Tears began to uncontrollably fall down the boy’s face and he began to weep. Somehow the stranger wasn’t surprised, she just stood there and waited till the boy finished weeping. “Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong? I apologize if I did, I didn’t mean no harm.” Nelson finished weeping and mustered the energy to reply back. “You didn’t say anything wrong nor did you do anything wrong. It’s just that you are the first person today who has asked me how I am. Because I don’t like to show my emotions, I keep it inside myself and bottle it all up so no one can ever see.
My smile, my smile is a lie, it masks all my pain and hides how I truly feel. I’m just so sick of everything in this world. I’m tired of trying to understand why I must feel this immense guilt of being weak. Why must I endure all this sorrow and sadness? Yeah, I’m smiling as if nothing bothers me. But if you really want to know how I’m feeling, I’m dying. Sometimes I wish someone would be able to see through my smile and tell me “I know you’re not okay, so please stop smiling like everything is fine.” It’s been a rough day and I feel like the whole world is against me.”
“Come here, don’t cry,” said the stranger. The stranger pulled Nelson into a hug and they embraced each other. The hug reminded Nelson about the time earlier when he was submerged in water. A hug where it melted away all his worries and made him feel protected. Like a mother’s embrace of her child. Something Nelson has never felt before. He imagines what a mother’s embrace would feel like. After a good minute, they let go of each other. Nelson wipes away his tears as he regains his composure. With tears cleared from his eyes, he now sees clearly that the stranger is a woman. She looks like she’s in her 20s. She’s casually well-dressed and doesn’t appear to be homeless. The light above the park lamp helped Nelson see the women’s features. She asks, “What are you doing out here at night?”
He replies “I was dropped off by my brother to go sing for a performance. After I finished the performance, I was waiting for my brother to come get me. But he never came. You may be asking, why don’t I call my parents? I would but my father is out getting intoxicated by everything and forgetting that he has responsibilities. I walked and walked till I got here. I’m… I’m too tired and broken thinking about my life, the reasons why it’s like this. And why must it be me that has to live this wretched life? I try to look back on my life and think of times when I did something bad or I was being bad but nothing major comes to mind. Am I suffering for the sins I committed to those three kids when I was younger? I bullied them because I couldn’t control the emotions I felt when I was at home. I regret it more and more as I grow older. Was it because I was never religious? Was it because I denounced the belief in god and that god doesn’t exist? Or, was this an already predetermined thing planned for me? No matter how genuine, authentic, and good I am in the world. I’m fated to fail no matter what?”
“Do you mind if I sit down?” The woman asked. “I don’t mind.” Said Nelson. “Aren’t you afraid of me? You don’t know if I’m dangerous or not. I could kill you right here and no one would ever know.” Said the woman. Nelson replies “I’m not afraid because you’re not even remotely close to any of my fears. The things I fear the most are much more intense than you. Fears that not even you can ever touch or comprehend. And I’m too friendly for my own good. I open too quickly to people and I’m too kind which makes it easy for me to forgive and be taken advantage of. If you were dangerous, you wouldn’t have offered to hug me. And if you were to kill me, you would’ve done it already, from past experiences and the knowledge that I know. Killers don’t announce when and who they’re going to kill. They act first and worry about the consequences after.”
“Interesting answer. You know a lot of things considering you’re so young. Why are you lost? Do you need help to find your home?” the woman asked. Nelson replies “Home? Is there such a thing anymore? And no, I don’t need help. I know how to get home. I’m 17 and I’m not a kid who doesn’t know where he lives. But am I lost? Yeah, I am. I’m at a point in my life where I am lost about where to go in my life. I don’t know anymore.
If I should continue living this life or give up on life.”
The woman asks, “Why are you broken?” “In these short 17 years I’ve lived, my trust in people who are close to me has withered down to nothing. Hell, I don’t even know if I can trust myself. All the trust I had in the world, in morals, in justice, and in life, has vanished. I keep moving and working towards a better future but the questions I have now are not if I can make it. It is, how long will I reach my destination? When something goes right for me, two other things go bad for me. It’s like no matter how much I pick myself back up and fix myself, the world just says fuck you and destroys me again and again.” Said Nelson.
“Okay. Um, why though? What caused you to feel this way? Why do you have these thoughts? If you don’t mind sharing.” Nelson chuckles and says “One day will not be enough time to explain to you why I’m like this. I have lost count of how many unfortunate things I’ve endured and witnessed in my life. Isn’t it sad when you get hurt so much that you can finally say? I’m used to it. All of those experiences have shaped me into who I am today. I still can’t believe how I’ve survived up to this point. And I’ve just experienced something so hurtful that it has clouded my thoughts and made me contemplate living life. Why are you here though?” “Well, I’m here because of the park. It’s peaceful, calm, beautiful, and quiet at night. I enjoy it very much. My son used to enjoy it also. But I don’t come here too often anymore.” Answered the women. Nelson sniffles “Excuse me for asking. Umm, how old are you?” “I’m 37. Yeah, I know I look like I’m in my 20s. Said the woman.
“37? That’s my mom’s age too. That’s weird.” Nelson told himself. “You said ‘not anymore’ earlier, about your son. Why did you say that?” Nelson asked. “You said you’re 17 years old right? That’s the same age as my son. He died when he was 17. He always acted first and worried about the consequences of his actions after. He was just, and he cared more about others than himself. He had a heart of gold, I could tell it was heavy for him to carry being like that but he carried it well. I told him to be more careful with helping others and that he shouldn’t risk his life just for anybody.
He risked his life saving a person, he saved that person two times. He saved the man, but he ended up giving up his own.
When he was younger, he would always ask me to take him here to the park. I was always working and never had time to bring him here. Magnus’ father was a police officer and he died in the line of duty. The only time I had to bring him here was at night. We would sit right here and enjoy the park together. Can I tell you something? You look like my son, Magnus.” Said the woman. Nelson’s eyes widened in shock “I look like your son?” The next words that came out of his mouth were spoken without his consent. They naturally came out. “Can I tell you something? You look like my mother.” The women’s eyes begin to water. “I know you are not Magnus, but you are just like him.” Nelson replies “And you are not my mother. But you look like her as well.” He thinks back to the hug. “No wonder it felt somewhat like a mother’s embrace,” Nelson said to himself. “Well if I look like your mother. At least I can help consult you. Why do you feel like you don’t want to live anymore?” said the woman. “Is there a name I can call you before I answer that?” Nelson asked.
“You may call me Lisa,” Lisa replies. “Okay Lisa, my life has been terrible. My whole entire life. My parents divorced when I was six months old. My brother and I were left with my father. My relatives saw us in a different light. Like we were unwanted and plagued with bad luck. Always seeing us with those cold eyes of disapproval. My father remarried when I was in kindergarten. My stepmom was more of a mom than my actual mother ever was. She took care of me, taught me, and loved me. She was my mom, I called her mom and she would call me her son.
It sounds so trivial but it meant so much to me. Then, my father and stepmom divorced as well. With it went my childhood and the only thing I knew was a mother. I felt sad and my heart ached whenever I saw other children with their mothers. Or when their mom would come to pick them up from school. But what hurt the most about not having a mother was when my teachers announced to the class about ‘Back to School Night’ and wanted to see my parents.
I would hold back the tears that would begin to surround my eyes. I would feel ashamed for not having both parents. My father became an alcoholic and indulged in drugs. He abused my brother and me. My brother and I were always fighting when we were younger. We didn’t have that brotherly bond that other siblings had with each other. My father was poor but still provided for us.
I thought there was some good left in him, that was my biggest mistake and that mistake changed my perspective on life. The friends I made. They saw me differently. They saw me as less of a human being. I worked hard in school and I became the best I could be. I reached the summit and I stayed there for as long as possible until I lost motivation and lost support. While I was at the summit, I got respect and jealousy from others.
My brother cared more about his friends than he cared about me. I relied upon him because he was my brother. Is he though? He left me for dead! Betrayed me countless times and prioritized others before me. How can your own brother do that? Why do I keep going back to him? Is it because he’s my brother? I almost died twice today! He wouldn’t give two shits about me if he was told that I had died. I truly believe that we aren’t brothers.” Nelson angrily finishes.
“There are many kids out there in the world that wished they had a brother or sister. Magnus was an only son. He wished he had a younger sibling to take care of and be a role model too. Or an older sibling to look up to. What I’m saying is that. You have a brother, no matter how bad it gets between you and your brother. YOU ARE STILL BROTHERS. You’ll never have another brother or sister ever again.
So, love him, try to understand him, and forgive him. For he is your one and only brother.” Said Lisa in a stern voice.
“Is there anything else you want to talk about?” Said Lisa in a commanding tone. “I am unlucky with love. I’m going to meet someone special this school year. She’ll be special to me but I don’t know if I’ll be special to her. She made me happy and I was grateful for the time she spent with me. I know what will happen in the future. I’ll ask her to prom. And after prom, we’ll go our separate ways. I’ll cherish the moments and memories we have together in that short time. I hope that she’ll live a long and happy life after we’ve departed from each other.” Lisa takes a moment to herself before she asks “You’ll find someone who feels the same way towards you too Nelson. And when that person walks into your life. You’ll know.” Lisa told Nelson.
Nelson checks the time on his phone “It’s 6:00 AM?! How did the time go by so fast? I’ve only been here for two hours at most.” “That’s because this is a dream, my son. You were home at 3:00 AM. You walked all by yourself to your house. You showered and went to bed crying silently. And you dreamt of me, your mother.” “Earlier when you had the dream in the water, it was a dream inside a dream.” Said, Lisa. Nelson is confused “Everything that happened to me, didn’t and never happen? Was it just all in my dream?
“Remember when I told you that Magnus died from saving someone? Earlier you were saved by a man. Those two times it was Magnus. He saved you from the thief, from drowning in the pool, and from death. Your heart may no longer be gold as it has been tainted, but I know you will still do good in the world. Now you must continue to live your life. My sweet and beautiful boy. I know I’m just a subconscious image of your mother, but I love you.” She embraces the boy one more time. As the sun is rising in his dream. Nelson’s mom slowly fades away while hugging her son. “Thank you and goodbye Mom.” In reality… He already returned home and went to bed quietly. Nelson is sleeping peacefully. Tears fell from his eyes with all the emotions he felt in his dream, and from that night he experienced. With that, he continued to sleep.
The End
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